Sending huge hugs and positive thoughts mama. I agree with dee... you do need to "try" to let go of the past... yes, you can learn from the past, but at the same time you have to let go.
As a mother of three, youngest is 6, I have come to the conclusion that if I "beat myself up" about all the drinking I did, it will interfere with my recovery.
I didn't yell or hurt my kids or do anything horrible wrong... but they did see me drunk. What would normally happen, if I was drunk I would go to sleep... and their Dad would always be there to help take care of them.
But, when I first took the steps to get sober I was kicking myself for being drunk and felt bad about the lost time that I could have been spending with them, but as the days goes on... I am walking away from that feeling. You see, they seem me as I am today, and they are happy for that.
Sorry to hear about your relationship with you husband, it must be very difficult.
I hope you feel better soon mama. Take very good care of yourself.