((((Nicam)))) - I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm not an ACOA, but my dad has some pretty serious anger issues, as he's gotten older, and my stepmom likes her pain pills, and I live with them. It's MY fault I'm back at home, as I ruined my finances thanks to my addiction.
What has helped me is learning about codependency, and that I can change how I respond to my family. It doesn't always work, but when my dad no longer gets a rise out of me, when he's blowing his top, he's gotten better. I'm dependent on him, even though I work, so I know how hard it is to know you need to be there, but wanting to be anywhere else.
We have also been raising my niece, who is 17 (her mom died in a car wreck when niece was a baby, dad is an A in jail). I recently told my dad that I am NOT 17 years old and will not be talked to or treated like I am. I pull more than my weight, around the house, and pay most of my own bills (he recently helped me out when the alternator went out on my car, but that's it). I said it calmly, but with the tone of voice that "I'm serious".
I don't know if any of this helps you, and it has taken some time to get here, but I have to believe that I truly don't deserve his anger or verbal abuse when he spews it. Until I could feel better about myself, through working on my codie-traits, I couldn't stand up to him.
Big hugs and prayers,
Amy