nicam

I'm struggling a bit right now and hurting a lot. I grew up with an alcoholic/bipolar mother and my little brother. My mom drank vodka all day, every day, and was somewhat functional. She went to work at least, and made good money, but when she came home we never knew what to expect. Violence, locking herself in her bedroom, passing out on the floor, or on some days, happiness, going out to dinner, etc. Promises were always broken. Eventually the neighbors caught on and called CPS. My mother had a nervous breakdown and we were taken out of the home and went to go live with my father, who was never really around and was blamed for every little problem we had, including my mother's alcoholism. We were taught to hate him, and we did.

My father is a workaholic and has always neglected us and been emotionally and verbally abusive. Mostly inadvertently. He's done the minimum for us financially, but has never listened to us, spent quality time with us, talked to us about important things, had an interest in our feelings, lives, etc. He dislikes us, is relentlessly critical, invalidated our feelings, says we lie, manipulate, use our childhood as an excuse, should just snap out of it, don't want to work for a living, are always looking for a handout, ridicules us, etc. He breaks more promises than my alcoholic mother ever did, and he always does it nastily and coldly. He makes me feel like nothing I feel is right, and that I am fundamentally flawed as a person. Being around him makes me not trust myself, and the more time I spend near him the less I love myself. He makes me feel like a joke.

I left home when I was young and managed to do some great things in my life, although I have never healed or felt like everyone else. I've traveled all over the world and always made my home far away from my parents, being so far and different than them made me think I had overcome the past. I guess I kept running and never dealt, which has destroyed me slowly over time...

The problem now is that after a 2 year teaching stint overseas I've come home to a horrible job market and ended up flat broke so I was forced to go live and work for my father. I plan on leaving as soon as I save enough money to start over somewhere else, but I can't seem to cope with him. It's like I've regressed 15 years. I'm 31 and feel like a teenager. We fight, I feel so angry and hurt every moment I'm near him. I cry at work and all the time. He hurts me so much I am physically sick. Also, I just go out of a volatile relationship with an addict where I would have given my own life to save this person and managed to get him into a year-long sober living program, which may have left me with some kind of PTSD (stuff got crazy).

I want to just run with whatever little money I have but I know it's not enough. I have to stay for a little while longer for financial reasons, so I guess I need advice on how to cope day to day. I'm actually in great pain from this previous relationship, and now being here at my dad's, it's just HELL. What do you do when you're forced to stay in a psychologically threatening environment with an abuser day in and day out? I haven't done this in 12 years, since I left home, and it's like I am that age again with all those same patterns of acting out emotionally...

Impurrfect

((((Nicam)))) - I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I'm not an ACOA, but my dad has some pretty serious anger issues, as he's gotten older, and my stepmom likes her pain pills, and I live with them. It's MY fault I'm back at home, as I ruined my finances thanks to my addiction.

What has helped me is learning about codependency, and that I can change how I respond to my family. It doesn't always work, but when my dad no longer gets a rise out of me, when he's blowing his top, he's gotten better. I'm dependent on him, even though I work, so I know how hard it is to know you need to be there, but wanting to be anywhere else.

We have also been raising my niece, who is 17 (her mom died in a car wreck when niece was a baby, dad is an A in jail). I recently told my dad that I am NOT 17 years old and will not be talked to or treated like I am. I pull more than my weight, around the house, and pay most of my own bills (he recently helped me out when the alternator went out on my car, but that's it). I said it calmly, but with the tone of voice that "I'm serious".

I don't know if any of this helps you, and it has taken some time to get here, but I have to believe that I truly don't deserve his anger or verbal abuse when he spews it. Until I could feel better about myself, through working on my codie-traits, I couldn't stand up to him.

Big hugs and prayers,

Amy

nicam

Impurrfect, I am so sorry you are stuck in that situation. Is it permanent? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? It's my fault I'm here too, I ruined my finances as well. In a way I am glad I have always ran though. Despite the fact that I never confronted my issues, I have always managed to stay far away from those that have hurt me in my life, and being back is HELL.

I confronted my dad today and he, as usual, blamed my character flaws for my issues (and my brother's as well). He asked me to leave and I guess I will just have to make it work with the little money I have. I don't know how you stay, honestly, you are strong. I want to start a post about divorcing a parent as an adult...

I'm so angry with him for abandoning us when we were little (which he blames on my mother), and leaving us to be subjected to so many forms of abuse in our alcoholic mother's household, and then neglecting and blaming us for everything later in life. My heart goes out to you Impurrfect, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve real soon.

kudzujean

Nicam,

A lot of what you said about your father reminded me of my mother. My father was the alcoholic. My mother raised me and my siblings. For years and years, she acted as if I had a problem with something she said or did, then I was the problem; of course she was perfect and never made any mistakes.

Al Anon and extensive therapy helped me a lot.

Best wishes to you!

Impurrfect

(((Nicam))) - actually, things have gotten a lot better for me. Dad only has occasional rages, and I've gotten better and better at removing myself from the point of focus, and they die down pretty quick.

Yes, there's an end in sight, but it will be a while. We're getting along, really well, right now since I set my last boundary. Yes, sometimes we have to just get out. I can't, so I've been working my codie-recovery, really hard, and it has helped a lot. It's even worn off on him, to some extent.

I'm sorry you're dad is so unreasonable and that you need to leave, but you'll be okay. When we don't have to deal with the stress/drama/chaos on a daily basis, things get better.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

dollydo

My Dad was also a work alcoholic. He'd work 7 days a week, he was emotionally unavailable. Not only as a child, but as an adult. For a long time I resented him, then I woke up, I was only hurting myself, my feelings did not effect him one little bit. So, I just backed off and went about my life.

After he retired, he didn't know what to do with his time, so, he tried to visit with me more often, to amuse himself, not because he cared about me. If I had time, I'd visit with him, if I didn't I wouldn't. It was too late, the damage was done.

Maybe it's best that you move on, a new you, is right around the corner!

Keep posting, it will help!

nicam

Yeah, "emotionally unavailable" is right on the money, dollydo. And it's strange that he has as many addict traits as my alcoholic mother and he's sober. I know he loves me, but it's easier for him to paint my brother and I as fundamentally flawed people rather than face the past and his own negligence. I will keep working in me though, and will be just fine without him in my life. Thanks, all.

dollydo

My father died on February 28th, 2010. I was an only child to him. I was the only one there when he died, and, the only one there for the two weeks before he died. The last two days he was in Hospice. The nurse said that the last sense to go was hearing....so, I talked to him non stop for two days. I told him the whole story, all the pent up emotions were now finally expressed.

Have to admit it was like someone lifted a 100 pound weight off my back. I realized how much his attitude affected me. I can go into all kinds of details, but, to make a long story short, he was one of the most selfish people on the face of the earth, and I don't mean just with money, he was very selfish with his time, his feelings, his love and much more.

Yes, he loved me, but, his love was much too flawed, and, it was totally self serving.

I am fine, and, I know you will be too. One step at a time, left, right, left, right!

Hugs,

GingerM

Nicam,

My parents can be less than fun to be around also. The feeling like a teenager again is understandable - you had some very strong needs when you were a teenager that were never met. Those needs still bubble to the surface when you're back in the situation and they continue to be not met. One of the ways to deal with this is to "self parent" -- in other words, identify those needs and see if you can meet them yourself.

One way this can be done is to remember a time when you really needed him to be there for you and he wasn't. Now imagine that you, at your current age, are standing next to you as a teenager. Now be your own protector. Run through the scenario in your mind as if you were standing next to yourself. The key here is NOT to address your dad in the memory, but to address your teenage self.

Let's say you really really wanted to go to the parent/child picnic (I'm just making this up) and your dad was, once again, too busy to bother.

Teen you: "Dad, I really want to do this with you."
Dad: "I don't have time, go by yourself if you want to go."
Adult you to Teen you: "Boy, that really stinks! He's so self absorbed that he can't see how badly he's hurting you. I think that's terrible."

That's kind of the idea. It works remarkably well.

Another tool I use when I have to deal with my parents now, as adults, is to imagine that they are drunkards in a doorway. They'll start in on some kind of mean spirited diatribe. If I walked past someone who was obviously sleeping in a doorway, and they started shouting obscenities at me and telling me I was a total waste of carbon, I wouldn't respond with anger, I would respond by thinking "Wow! That person's definitely not living in MY reality!" So I envision my parents as being that drunkard in the doorway - and suddenly their words and actions carry as much weight as the drunkard in the doorway, which is to say not much.

I hope you can get yourself away from there soon - but I also think that getting some help once you get out of the situation again would be very beneficial for you. AlAnon is free, therapists can do wonders.