Well, I get what you mean when you say you see his drinking this weekend ramping up and you know it's only going to make things nasty down the road so accepting his acting pleasant is difficult to do.
You see when I sought recovery I questioned a lot over having a big sit down with my then ABF to tell him about my boundaries. However, I realized my motives were more about having one last big say-so, even if indirectly, in his behavior. See, I still thought deep down that he might shape up and get sober if he saw how I was taking a new approach. My motives made it not so new a plan, though, and it was just going to come off as another ultimatum to him. (I learned this bit of wisdom here on SR and I must say it was a big turning point for me) I chose to keep my boundaries to myself and let my feet do my talking by walking away. He defintely noticed because it wasn't the way I used to leave a room. I didn't say a word. I didn't make a grumble. I didn't sigh and roll my eyes. I didn't give him any kind of "look" or say anything about his drinking in any way. I just quietly got up mid meal, mid TV show, even mid sentence (man that one was priceless!! LOL!) and left and didn't return.
He caught on to this within the first week, I'd say. He went through every emotional incantation I'd ever seen before in rapid succession in response. He was mad, he was sad, he pouted, he whined, and for sure, he was nice to a sticky sweetness sometimes. I understood from reading here that it was to be expected and that he was throwing everything but the kitchen sink at me emotionally to get things back to a level he could be comfortable with and that just wasn't going to happen. I was on one heck of a roll and it was working for me. For a change!
As much as I knew his mood would flip at any time. As much as I knew he was just being nice to make up for his drunkenness. As much as I knew that nice today could still mean nasty tomorrow. I stuck with it. As long as he was pleasant and good to me, I was there without judgement, without expectation, and without waiting for the golden moment to turn sour. Jumping from being around him this way and then dropping him like a hot potato without carrying anger and resentment with me out of the room took practice and some trial and error believe you me, but it got so much easier as I went along. I learned to enjoy the golden moments for what they were and enjoy my time doing my own thing when he wasn't worth being around. While I can say that seeing a beer in the fridge or seeing one on the coffee table next to him made me cringe, I kept my eyes on his behavior. He could sit in the room with me getting wasted, and I forced myself to let it go. In reality, he never could keep his anger in check when he drank more than few and it was kinda sad. It seemed it wasn't long before he figured out quickly that if he wanted my company he had to drink less and keep himself in control and there were many nights he could manage it.
I get what you mean that you want to at least stick it out and give him the opportunity to make the choice of his marriage over the booze. I stayed to my path and let him work on his own entirely. This was the first time it was entirely on him to deal with his addiction. I certainly wasn't going to tell him what to do anymore. In his struggle to choose, I thought he might even make a go at sobriety and AA at one point. I won't say the booze won because in my heart I believe he made the choice to continue drinking because even when he knew I was leaving him he didn't try to stop me as he had done in the past.
I say, keep working your recovery and keep learning more about boundaries and detachment. Work the program because the program does work. Find out what you want out of life and pursue it. You can't make him into something he's not, and if he makes a different choice for himself in what he wants out of life then you will know it's time to move on.
Here's my anology of the day...
If I married a man who decided after the wedding he wanted live in a snake pit at the zoo and was adamant that he would return to his snakes every night since I am sadly afraid of snakes and in my heart of hearts I'd prefer to live in a tree snuggling squirrels, well what do you think is the more reasonable decision for me to make here.
1) I could go try to learn to swallow my fear so I could live with the snakes despite the panic attacks and sleepless nights.
2) I could fight tooth and nail with him to share time in each habitat leaving me home alone most nights crying after drag out fights over the issue.
3) I could agree that life is about change and if I want different things that he does, we could separate and pursue happy lives elsewhere.
Well....I tried #1, things degrated to #2, and when I finally reached true acceptance that we were different people making different choices despite our years together, I opened my heart to #3 and have been pursueing my own happy life every day since.
Best to you,
Alice