For years, my boundaries focused on the drinking aspect of my XABF's behavior. I counted beer cans, watched him like a hawk, faught and whined about his consumption. Finally told him he couldn't drink in the house. To get by this, he drank outside then came in wasted and then trouble ensued.
When I learned more about boundaries here I understood my error. It wasn't the beer I objected to really. It was the way he treated me. I made the direct connection that he was the greatest guy, it was the beer that made him a violent ugly man. Not true, not true, not true and he proved it by not drinking for spells and still becoming a hateful jerk. All the man needed was an excuse to lash out at me and the beer was his excuse or rather I should say it was the excuse I accepted. I would never excuse someone threatening to strike me, saying hateful things, or being abusive to my pets and yet, with his drunkness I accepted it for years.
When I adjusted my boundary to focus on his behavior rather than just the booze, things were better for me. I didn't have to be the beer police or question if he had been drinking before coming home from work. I didn't have to have debates about how many beers was too much. Either he was pleasant and respectful and I stayed around or he was agitated, mean, or threatening and I was long gone. I learned to watch for the warning signs of this behavior in him rather than sniff around for alcohol.
I actually have to admit, if beer made him a loving attentive partner, I would have been feeding it to him intravenously on a continuous drip.
Alice