SashaMB

I had a state of the union talk with AH last night. He had not been drinking at the time of our chat. I have been unhappy about several issues, all of which I think are exacerbated by his drinking. It initially seemed like a productive conversation because, for example, regarding issues of AH belittling me, he actually listened to me and said that he would try to be more aware and not do that anymore.

Regarding the alcohol, the last time AH and I talked about this was a horrible blowup that ended with him saying all kinds of mean and irrational things. It ended with him saying that he doesn't have a problem, that he's going to do what he wants, that he had no intention of stopping, but that the problem is "taken care of." Well, he was sober for about 6 weeks, and then the last few weeks it's been creeping back in more and more often.

After we hashed out all a few other issues, I told him that I feel like I'm in limbo with respect to his drinking, and that I still don't like it and do not want to be around it. I clarified this because my boundary is that I choose not be around him if he is drinking. I have told him that before (but not recently), but he brought home a ton of beer for labor day weekend. So, I figured that based on his beer and his declared intent to drink it while bbq'g that I should reiterate that I wasn't kidding about the whole not choosing to be around it. He basically said that he wants to respect my wishes, but that he needs to be able to do what he wants to do, i.e. drink. So he said that when he wants to drink, he'll just do things on his own like play video games or watch a movie. I told him that is his choice, that he knows my feelings about it, that I'm not going to nag him about it, but that it made me sad that he would rather be with his alcohol than with me. He did not dispute this.

The whole discussion did not result in argument or yelling or crying, so I was pleased that it was calm and straightforward. I also feel like calmly re-stating my boundary made me more prepared to stick to it when it comes up. But as soon as we were done, AH went downstairs and watched a movie with his beer.

I know there's nothing I can do about it, but darn it, I want to fix this problem! I know it's HIS problem. But it's my problem too because I have to live with it, or choose not to live with it. I feel obligated to wait and see how it goes, but I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Should I wait to see if he's nicer to me, as he said he would be? If he's still drinking does it matter?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it.