I do feel better that I don't have that chaos in my life anymore. Someone told me that I was broken and I do feel that whilst I was with him as his life spiraled out of control, he was dragging me down with him. I was on the emotional roller coaster ride and couldn't see it. It wasn't till I threw my hands up in the air and said that I couldn't do it anymore that I think I was honest with myself that this was beyond my control.
I feel more peace these days, but I do still worry about him and obviously miss my friend before the addiction fully took control. I miss the intimacy and times we spent together just the 2 of us walking the dogs or watching a movie on the couch.
He is still taking the prescription drugs and doesn't seem like he wants to get off them at all as they have been his crutch for so long. He is so dependent on other people to take care of him I don't think he could ever be the partner that I need. He has just replaced me and his father with these people who enabled him to do drugs and want to be the people who step in and save him.
I remember I had food poisoning a few months ago whilst I was working interstate. I was so so ill sitting all by myself in a hotel room and I called him and was telling him how ill I was. After a little while he told me to stop talking about being sick......I thought to myself, you tell me every single day about your alcohol and drug use and want feedback and help, but when I am sick, and not from putting drugs in my mouth, you tell me to shut up? He knew that he had gone too far and when I got home there were flowers for me. But looking back it was a big sign telling me that this person only really cares about himself. These are the times I need to remember.
I have been reading through the 12 step program and one of the steps is about making amends with people who you have harmed. Also in co-dependent no more they talk about forgiveness. I don't think that I could ever make amends or forgive the people who enabled him and gave him the drugs. Is that wrong? Are you supposed to forgive everyone in order to move on with your life?