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Old 08-25-2010, 11:47 PM
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Why?

Hi Everyone,

Let me just say that I owe alot to the people on SR. Every day I come on here and read the great advice that is given and I really apreciate people responding to my posts. It makes me feel not so alone or crazy!!

The question that I keep coming back to is why? Why did my partner choose to cut me out of his life when he started his recovery but choose to keep the people who enabled him to drink and do drugs in his life? Last I spoke with him he has not had a drink in 2 months, but he is still on the prescription drugs. These people who enabled him are now also paying for his rent and his car payments ($2500 a month!). My thinking is that they are not letting him hit rock bottom and be accountable for himself.... maybe that is why he choose them and not me?

I'm currently 4 days NC and it is SO hard but I am going to be strong.... but I keep asking myself why them and not me?
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Old 08-26-2010, 12:32 AM
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Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
 
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Hello there!
I am glad this forum has helped you, it has helped me too in ways that I could never explain. Nothing about addiction is pretty. Nothing about it is fair and the worst part? Nothing about it is under my control. EXCEPT when I realized that I do have control of my life, and how much or how little I will continue to allow addiction consume me.

The addict in my life was my BF and I was continuously asking myself why? Why am I not enough to make him want to stop? Why doesn't he want to be sober for US for ME? Why can't I help him? And I tried, I tried for a while until I realized that this wasn't about ME at all. I didn't cause it and I can't stop it. My addict needed to realize on his own that this was not the life he wanted to live anymore.

An active addict will do anything ANYTHING to defend their actions and protect their drug use. He is still in that cruel cycle of addiction if he is using pain killers. He is choosing to surround himself with others that are using because it makes him feel like his drug use is accepted. That it's okay. YOU are not healthy for his addictions because YOU do not support them. And THANK GOD for that!

I think you are completely right when you say that he is staying there because they are not letting him be held accountable for himself, where else can he live like that, use, and have no fear of consequence? But it is only a matter of time until things progress and he is no longer going to be able to ignore his addictions. I hope that he will realize before it gets worse.

There is no way that you will be able to continue a healthy relationship with him until he starts making steps toward sobriety. If you let him and his addictions come back into your life, they will break you down day by day. Take this time of NC to educate yourself and focused back on loving your self. You deserve it!

xoxo
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Old 08-26-2010, 01:19 AM
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My name is ninja. I am alcoholic.
Alcoholics always selects his enablers. Alcohol is much stronger than love or relationship. Alcoholic is nasty disease. You can have also face to face support in Al-anon meeting in your local. You can also read, write and get support here SR.
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Old 08-26-2010, 01:32 AM
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Hi Katie, My question exactly....Why?!?! Anyway, somewhere in the middle of the night I was having a rant at my HP (see I am getting into SR speak already!) My Wise departed Mum used to say "...you can always get angry at God, He is big enough to take it all, and will never stop loving you....."
Well my answer came in a still small voice"....you still have so much to learn....stop trying to fix everyone else, focus on yourself ....love yourself.."
So that is how I have started the day. Already my significant other (SO? or ASO?) has told me that I am cold and unfeeling and how can I just be so hard. Well in the words opf some or other song....'It's my life, it's now or never........'
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:53 AM
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Why them and not you? Your way of thinking is a rational one. Unfortunately, nothing about alcoholism is rational. The alcoholic is not rational and none of the usual rules of life or relationships apply. The disease takes over the thinking of the person. All decisions are made in support of the continuation of the drinking and the survival of the alcoholism. It helped me to see the disease as a monster that has taken over the person's body and directs his or her every step. The decisions they make are not rational ones. They are unhealthy. We look at their behavior and it makes no sense because it is so harmful to everyone involved and often think then that it must be because there is something wrong with US. We think the A has chosen someone else over us. When that is not the case at all. They have only chosen drinking over not drinking. Like Summer said, it is entirely NOTHING to do with you. A few years ago, I learned to tell myself, lthe world does not revolve around me," which helped me to feel better that the A had "chosen someone else." His choice to dump me for another woman was not a reflection on me at all. It's the simple fact that she drank and I would not allow him to drink in my home or my presence. Stand up for yourself. That is what No Contact really tells them. You will no longer insult me by your refusal to fully engage with me in a healthy manner.

Keep up the good work staying no contact.
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Old 08-26-2010, 05:23 AM
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Nothing my AH does makes any logical sense to me. Even though he claims to be sober, his thought processes are bizarre to say the least.

Your A isn't even sober, so why would his thinking be "normal"?
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Old 08-26-2010, 05:29 AM
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Maybe you should just be grateful that he did make the choices he made. You are much better off without all that chaos in your life, right?
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Old 08-26-2010, 02:11 PM
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I do feel better that I don't have that chaos in my life anymore. Someone told me that I was broken and I do feel that whilst I was with him as his life spiraled out of control, he was dragging me down with him. I was on the emotional roller coaster ride and couldn't see it. It wasn't till I threw my hands up in the air and said that I couldn't do it anymore that I think I was honest with myself that this was beyond my control.

I feel more peace these days, but I do still worry about him and obviously miss my friend before the addiction fully took control. I miss the intimacy and times we spent together just the 2 of us walking the dogs or watching a movie on the couch.

He is still taking the prescription drugs and doesn't seem like he wants to get off them at all as they have been his crutch for so long. He is so dependent on other people to take care of him I don't think he could ever be the partner that I need. He has just replaced me and his father with these people who enabled him to do drugs and want to be the people who step in and save him.

I remember I had food poisoning a few months ago whilst I was working interstate. I was so so ill sitting all by myself in a hotel room and I called him and was telling him how ill I was. After a little while he told me to stop talking about being sick......I thought to myself, you tell me every single day about your alcohol and drug use and want feedback and help, but when I am sick, and not from putting drugs in my mouth, you tell me to shut up? He knew that he had gone too far and when I got home there were flowers for me. But looking back it was a big sign telling me that this person only really cares about himself. These are the times I need to remember.

I have been reading through the 12 step program and one of the steps is about making amends with people who you have harmed. Also in co-dependent no more they talk about forgiveness. I don't think that I could ever make amends or forgive the people who enabled him and gave him the drugs. Is that wrong? Are you supposed to forgive everyone in order to move on with your life?
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Old 08-26-2010, 02:23 PM
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Personally I think it is premature for you to be worrying yourself with forgiving these people.

I think the best amends is personal change.
You might consider maing amends to yourself by keeping these people out of your life?
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:06 PM
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post
These people who enabled him are now also paying for his rent and his car payments ($2500 a month!).
That's why.

You have to depersonalize it otherwise you will drive yourself insane. It's the booze fog that does it to them. It clouds judgement. I understand much better after reading up about alcoholism and its effects on the brain. One A at a couples meeting told me that after stopping it could take up to a year to get out of the brain fog and start thinking a bit more clearly.

Addiction changes the brain. The pleasure centres become abnormally stimulated. This is one reason why A's have a hard time doing 'normal' things - they've experienced such high highs, that normal things become mundane and boring and intolerable. Pleasure seeking becomes paramount and drowns everything else out.

There were times when AH and I went to dinner with friends - something I considered a terrific time - good food, good wine, good conversation. Everything I could ask for in a night out. During these types of outings, and of course after a few drinks, AH would be making calls, looking for a party. We at the table would be calling it a night around 11 or 12 - he was bored and revved up and wanted more booze and something fun to do. I could just never get it until I understood it from a neurochemical perspective. Sitting at dinner for him was the appetizer, and a sub-standard one at that. While I considered it wonderful, it was likely intolerable for him; he was just itching to get on with his night.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:27 PM
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Wow Silkspin........that was my XH........yes.........
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:53 PM
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Originally Posted by katie28 View Post
I have been reading through the 12 step program and one of the steps is about making amends with people who you have harmed. Also in co-dependent no more they talk about forgiveness. I don't think that I could ever make amends or forgive the people who enabled him and gave him the drugs. Is that wrong? Are you supposed to forgive everyone in order to move on with your life?
My belief is that forgiveness is cathartic. Because I believe this so strongly, I have the tendency to want to "go there" before it is time. Most, if not all, aspects of healing cannot be rushed. By that same token, you can't run away and not do the "work" either.

You are fine to question. It's part of the process.

Amends? Forgiveness?
Doesn't have to make sense today, or next spring.
In good time. All in good time.
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