I understand too well what you are going through. There is a place where we have to come to a level of acceptance. It has taken me 5 YEARS! I don't recommend staying in a bad situation that long...I am still working my way to get out even so I'm not even there yet. But, the acceptance is finally sticking. What I mean is that as we take the verbal punches and not stand up for ourselves, when we put up with bad behavior in the name of getting the old guy back, when we keep wishing upon that star we are not there yet. It is a hard, hard pill to swallow, believe me. But we have to come to a place where we see that there is nothing we can do to fix this, it is theirs and God's. We have to start looking at our own behavior and doing what we can to fix that, that is all we can really do. And of course take steps to get to a more peaceful place - for ourselves and our kids.
Going to meetings is helpful, but I have found reading some of the daily stuff is what has allowed things to sink in more for me personally. I read an alanon book (try to daily) called "Courage to Change" and relate to so much and it has helped me a ton. Being here reading other people's stories has helped me as well. Knowing that others have been in long term relationships and let go and survived. My dream is still that my AH get help and get well, but I realize I can no longer sit around and wait for that to happen while my life slips past me. I want to start enjoying life again, and if that means without him, then I have to accept that. Doesn't make it any easier...as a matter of fact this is truly one of the hardest things I've ever considered doing in my life. But I'm finally at a point where it is starting to look better getting out than staying. We have been married a long time and had many great years together - it is flat out hard.
Hang in there, keep reading here.
****{Hugs}}} to you.