hello.. it's pretty lengthy.

Old 08-23-2010, 04:59 PM
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hello.. it's pretty lengthy.

Well, this is my first time posting here, and I need to talk to others that are in my situation... not friends that only support me and can't stand what my husband has put me through.

My husband's name is Josh. I have known him since I was 10 (I'm 22 now) We have been married for 5 years, and have 2 children together, a son who is 4 and a daughter who is 1.

He has had a drug problem, throughout our whole marriage. He is addicted to pain pills. Last month, he finally admitted he was an addict. He went for help in AZ (we currently live in KY), and walked out AMA after detox. Oh by the way he is active duty in the US Army. After getting back here to KY the Army wanted him to finish out rehab. So, he has been there since the 11th. He has to do a 28 day program. I know throughout his using I wasn't completely innocent I would use some here and there, but enough is enough for me, and I won't touch them. I don't have to chase everywhere for a fix for the day, I'm perfectly fine without them. To be honest, I just get down right sick if I even touch them anymore.

I feel like he is his number 1 priority, not me, not the kids. It destroys me, our children and him are my first priority, always. After he gets out of rehab, he wants to take 5 day sof leave and go home (back to Ohio that's where all of our family it). He wants to go alone for a few days, and possibly take our daughter with him. I don't want him to go. I think him going home right now should be the furthest thing from his mind. I think me and the kids should be his first thing. Our marriage needs to much rebuilding from all the lies and deceit. I mean he has been gone since May-July, to come home for 2 weeks, to go back to rehab for a month. We haven't seen him for basically 4 months.

He proceeds to tell me, "well, you went home for 2 months (to Ohio) on vacation while I was in AZ." My vacation consisted of, selling his mustang since he got a new car, getting that check cashed, all the power of attorneys I had to fax back and forth to the people that bought it, to having our kids at the hospital because they were sick, then he insisted I fly out to AZ to see him for a week... at that point when I was going to AZ, why drive 400 miles to KY to drive 400 miles back to OH to fly to AZ to fly to OH to drive back to KY. I just stayed in Ohio for an extra 2 weeks so I wouldn't of had to do all that extra traveling, especially with 2 little kids. While out in AZ I had to deal with the drug thing surfacing and taking him to and from behavior health. He was higher than a kite almost the whole time I was out there.

Today we had a family group therapy session. I went with my daughter, my son was at school. While there, of course they were asking questions and asking how we felt, and I got super emotional, starting crying.. and they asked him how he felt about what I said... and he says "This is a trigger for me and makes me want to go and get high"... gee thanks Josh, that just made me feel great. He said next to nothing to me or anyone the rest of the hour I was there... and when he left he atleast hugged our daughter, he didn't even say one word to me.. yea whatever, I guess I should just get over myself.

I just hope there is going to be some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.. because when we are good, we are really good.. but at this point, I feel so disconnected from him, and I just want my husband back.

Thanks if you made it this far.. I know it was long, probably all over the place too.. I just needed to let it off of my chest.

The therapist there suggested I go see a doctor about depression, so I did make myself an appointment for that tomorrow too. Our next session is friday, I hope it goes well.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:10 PM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, Amy, you've come to a good place where people understand.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this, addiction truly is a family disease.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable, and maybe think about trying something that has helped so many of us here...live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about helping us find our balance again and learning to live happy lives once again...whether we choose to stay or leave or addicts.

Others will be along to welcome you also. My son is the addict in my life, missing now for over 6 years. Although the relationship is different from yours, I know the helpless feeling of trying to save them when they won't save themselves. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

Hope you'll stick around and join our family support here. It's a good place to come and vent, read, and learn.l

Hugs
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Welcome to SR, Amy, you've come to a good place where people understand.

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this, addiction truly is a family disease.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable, and maybe think about trying something that has helped so many of us here...live meetings. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are about helping us find our balance again and learning to live happy lives once again...whether we choose to stay or leave or addicts.

Others will be along to welcome you also. My son is the addict in my life, missing now for over 6 years. Although the relationship is different from yours, I know the helpless feeling of trying to save them when they won't save themselves. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.

Hope you'll stick around and join our family support here. It's a good place to come and vent, read, and learn.l

Hugs
Thanks I appreciate all of the kind words. This isn't my first experiance in dealing with an addict.. my father is one too, so I guess I can say I have lived with an addict now my whole life. I do know I have to take one day at a time, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier. The only kind of meetings I have ever been to are Alateen... Are children welcome to the adult type meetings, I have no family close to me.. and would love to go to some for local support.
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Old 08-23-2010, 05:15 PM
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Ann
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Make a call and see. Some meetings have a play area for children, some allow children of a certain age to sit in.

It's worth the effort to find one that works for you, I promise you that you'll be glad you did.

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Old 08-26-2010, 12:07 AM
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Hi Amy
Everyone needs some support sometimes, that's why we are all here. I don't pretend to know all the answers, I don't pretend to even know a few! But for myself I know that when I was finally able to realize that I had let my addicts addiction consume my life, I made the decision to put an end to that, and I started taking steps back to my happiness.

I tried for so long to make everything okay, clean up every mess he made, defend, fight for and predict any other bumps in the road and then.. I had no more left to give. You don't deserve it and neither do your children. They need you and they need you to be healthy. The way to that happiness? Reclaiming your life from addiction.

Remember what you deserve and don't settle for anything less. Read as much as you can on this forum, and take the advice people have given to heart. Check out as many meetings as you can - they will offer you great understanding as to your behaviors and tools to help you turn them around.

Put the focus back on the happiness of your self and your children. You cannot control addiction but you can take your life back

xoxo
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:08 AM
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I understand too well what you are going through. There is a place where we have to come to a level of acceptance. It has taken me 5 YEARS! I don't recommend staying in a bad situation that long...I am still working my way to get out even so I'm not even there yet. But, the acceptance is finally sticking. What I mean is that as we take the verbal punches and not stand up for ourselves, when we put up with bad behavior in the name of getting the old guy back, when we keep wishing upon that star we are not there yet. It is a hard, hard pill to swallow, believe me. But we have to come to a place where we see that there is nothing we can do to fix this, it is theirs and God's. We have to start looking at our own behavior and doing what we can to fix that, that is all we can really do. And of course take steps to get to a more peaceful place - for ourselves and our kids.

Going to meetings is helpful, but I have found reading some of the daily stuff is what has allowed things to sink in more for me personally. I read an alanon book (try to daily) called "Courage to Change" and relate to so much and it has helped me a ton. Being here reading other people's stories has helped me as well. Knowing that others have been in long term relationships and let go and survived. My dream is still that my AH get help and get well, but I realize I can no longer sit around and wait for that to happen while my life slips past me. I want to start enjoying life again, and if that means without him, then I have to accept that. Doesn't make it any easier...as a matter of fact this is truly one of the hardest things I've ever considered doing in my life. But I'm finally at a point where it is starting to look better getting out than staying. We have been married a long time and had many great years together - it is flat out hard.

Hang in there, keep reading here.

****{Hugs}}} to you.
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