Thanks for your comments, much appreciated :-)
This is our third (major) go round, the first time we were really young, got married, bought a house, had kids & he fell apart big time....when I couldnt guilt/punish/bully/threaten him into behaving I divorced him.
The second time, he lasted a few months, fell apart, became suicidal, went to rehab, was diagnosed with bipolar.
This time I went in with my eyes open, fully aware of his alcoholism and his bipolar, and a lot more years of experience and compassion under me.
I go to Al Anon every week, it's my source of sanity and reminds me that this is a disease....which I seem to need to keep hearing.
I know he's struggling to manage bipolar and alcoholism which feed into each other. I know he loves me and our kids and wants to have the 'normal' life. And I know he's weak with a lifetime of alcoholic patterns that he struggles to overcome. I know that alcoholics relapse and the goal is to extend times of sobriety, not many achieve full sobriety easily or quickly.
I support him because I know how much he wants this life, I've watched him struggle, he has a counsellor, an alcohol counsellor, a sponsor and a psychiatrist....all his doing....he goes to meetings.....but everytime he has the slightest stress...he drinks, and as soon as he touches alcohol he becomes this whiney, pathetic excuse for a man.
I know my behaviour in the past has helped condition his behaviours and I hope that if I can be consistently compassionate, supportive and lovingly detached from his drinking that he will stop preempting punishment and get rid of the unconscious 'enemy' mind set.
But sometimes it's just really hard to be compassionate when he's in full, selfish alcoholic swing