Scooter77

This afternoon I gave my AH a hard time and I'm feeling rather ashamed of myself but still a bit pissed off at him.

He has a court case next month, he had told me it was for speeding - no I'm not that silly, I'd assumed that wasnt the whole truth - the other night he finally told me it was for a DUI, his fourth now.
I didnt react, I thanked him for finally telling me the truth and acknowledged how hard that must have been for him......and dropped a few *subtle* hints about the state of his karma over the next few days (hehe!).

But seriously, there was no punishment, no yelling, no lecturing. I know he's punishing himself in his own head and s**t scared of what's going to happen at court so I've been as supportive as possible. I've let him know that we'll cope with whatever happens, he's not alone, it's all ok....etc

Then yesterday morning he toddled off to an AA meeting....via the bottle shop....came home, looked me in the eye and LIED TO MY FACE!!!
I took a deep breath, and shut my mouth...I know he's stressed.

Then today, he came home from work....past the bottle shop!! And although I managed to keep my mouth closed, it was obvious I was far from impressed. So he starts making excuses and doing the poor me's. By this time, every supportive bone in my body has left the building and I'm struggling not to imprint the frypan on his face (I was cooking kids dinner at the time).

He tells me he's going to his sponsor's house for a chat - which is really good, except he's been drinking! And ok he's not drunk, but his limit is still .02 after the last DUI, he's got a pending DUI charge and he gets in the car!!

So I snapped at him about driving and made some comment about not learning which only served to prompt a new load of pathetic excuses and poor me's which I would rightly love to jam up his backside at this present moment.

All very unsupportive of me I know. But I'm struggling to find my compassion for him just at this moment. I'm not overly proud of myself....but I'm just so over his self obsessed, alcoholic, lying, selfish crap! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

Pelican

(((Scooter)))

I'm sorry. Please don't beat yourself up.
I don't believe you are unsupportive. I think you have shown amazing patience and understanding.

I believe you deserve to be treated with respect by your life partner. His behavior doesn't appear to be supportive of your rights as his life partner.

I don't have solutions for your situation. I just wanted you to know that you were heard. You are important. Your life matters. You are not alone.

In my relationship, once I became aware of the risks my alcoholic was taking (drinking then driving) I was unable to stay. I chose to walk away from the active addiction.

Prayers for your peace and serenity.

Carol Star

Wow..this brought up alot of memories of the beginning of the end for me. My XAH got his DUI (don't remember how many, but it was too many in 10 yrs.), went to treatment and came home after 3 days, went to another treatment center and came home after 3 days, paid for high priced lawyer to get him only 6 months in jail, $5,000., lost his $60,000. job who just wanted for him to do 30 days treatment and he refused......aaaahhhhhh! His job was bending over backwards but he would not go, so they let him go.....He was really on the pittypot....it was the troopers fault,not, it was my fault for not driving him that night (not-we were seperated), it was the judges fault,not, it was the lawyers fault not,....all bull----. I watched him spiral down going to AA just because the court ordered it and staying outside the meetings smoking and rejecting it all. He was kicked out of out patient treatment because he was taking pills and would not follow their rule of no non- alcoholic beer. It was wearing me out......I was the driver. I resented it. I had to let go or be dragged. I realized after reading code- n-more I was a code. I was more like his Mom than his mate. I wanted a positive life. I felt I was being used. We went to therapy as a couple and he would not followup. All he cared about was using. I cut him loose. It took a few years. He is still doing what he was doing. He recently tried to borrow money from me. I emailed I would not finance his slow suicide. It is hard stuff. So now he doesn't want to hear from me again.....GOOD. I hope you go to Alanon and get the focus on you.

RollTide

" I wanted a positive life." Yes, Carol Star. Great statement. I also wanted a positive life and was SO tired of being lied to over and over and over but what really did it for me was the driving and drinking. Putting someone else's life at risk was the most selfish thing I could imagine. I divorced mine and now he is going to AA and working a program.

Scooter77

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated :-)

This is our third (major) go round, the first time we were really young, got married, bought a house, had kids & he fell apart big time....when I couldnt guilt/punish/bully/threaten him into behaving I divorced him.

The second time, he lasted a few months, fell apart, became suicidal, went to rehab, was diagnosed with bipolar.

This time I went in with my eyes open, fully aware of his alcoholism and his bipolar, and a lot more years of experience and compassion under me.

I go to Al Anon every week, it's my source of sanity and reminds me that this is a disease....which I seem to need to keep hearing.
I know he's struggling to manage bipolar and alcoholism which feed into each other. I know he loves me and our kids and wants to have the 'normal' life. And I know he's weak with a lifetime of alcoholic patterns that he struggles to overcome. I know that alcoholics relapse and the goal is to extend times of sobriety, not many achieve full sobriety easily or quickly.

I support him because I know how much he wants this life, I've watched him struggle, he has a counsellor, an alcohol counsellor, a sponsor and a psychiatrist....all his doing....he goes to meetings.....but everytime he has the slightest stress...he drinks, and as soon as he touches alcohol he becomes this whiney, pathetic excuse for a man.

I know my behaviour in the past has helped condition his behaviours and I hope that if I can be consistently compassionate, supportive and lovingly detached from his drinking that he will stop preempting punishment and get rid of the unconscious 'enemy' mind set.

But sometimes it's just really hard to be compassionate when he's in full, selfish alcoholic swing

Still Waters

Yeah, I can totally understand it being hard to stay compassionate. Definitely.

I'd be saying to myself, "He KNOWS drinking turns him into this whiny selfish jerk".

I think my compassion tank is empty for active alcoholics. I know there is plenty of help out there for them, so luckily they don't have to come to me for it.

smacked

So.. by unsupportive, do you mean you should have felt compassion and understanding as he yet again drove after drinking!? Oh hell no.. I would have called the cops. Hopefully no one has ever been hurt by him in his first 4 DUIs..and hopefully no one is hurt in his next 4.. but if I were a gambler, I know what odds i'd pick.

Live

I know you must love him very much. being supportive does not mean an all-encompassing, unconditional support.

That is denying the reality before you...these situations and problems he is bringing into both of your lives.

(I have a severe form of bipolar also and I am still responsible for all that I do and say. It doesn't give me a free pass.)

Where is the "you" in all of this? It seems like you are subsumed into a service position to the bipoolar and alcoholism.

Having either or both of these doesn't make any wrongs right.
I don't like being lied to and if someone does that I am going to confront them.
If they are pulling crap that effects me I am going to speak up about that also.

it is my responsibility to manage my life.
and I don''tn want to give it to someone else. I may choose to share it....and that is a privilege to both them and myself.
but I have to have respect....mutual respect or I don't have anything.

I have spent 20 years learning how to stand up for myself.
It is one of the best gifts I have given myself and others.
It works.

dollydo

Can't say that I understand all your compassion, but, I do accept your decision. I only hope that you are considering the effect that his alcoholism has on your children...because it does have a negative effect.

I hope all this works out for you and your children.

groybin

You truly have the patience of a saint! This is an admirable quality, of course. But his continued use of lies and "poor me" manipulations is tearing you and this relationship apart.

No one can tell you what to do, this is your life.

I would encourage you to examine where you are now and where you want to be.
Is this the life you envisioned for yourself?

BuffaloGal

Mine is too. Yesterday I had the first knock down, drag out fight with my aexh since our divorce 3 years ago, because he and his gf assumed that I'd take up the slack for their child care scheduling error. I said several immature and stupid things. Yet, I find, really, I just don't care. I bet he and his lovely domestic partner will think twice about assuming that I will roll over and do what suits them any more, which was my goal. It's good to have boundaries. It's better to have your boundaries taken seriously.

It was recently pointed out to me that it might not be in my best interests to bottle up what I really think. Plus, my compassion tank may empty, but my sarcasm tank has been accruing steadily since I swore off of verbal zingers. So, during our exchange I suggested that he was feeding me bs about the issue that caused the fight. He responded that he wasn't lying, but that he merely forgot a pertinent detail. Yeah. I suggested that his gf might be inappropriately involved in our daughter's life. FINALLY, he agreed with that assessment. I suggested that his gonads might be in his girlfriend's keeping more often than not. I apologized for that suggestion.

And, ya know, how this relates to the original post... I know that feeling of being ashamed of myself and p*ssed at "my" alcoholic at the same time very well, and yet now I don't feel shame or anger. I cleared the air. I know I'm not going to fight with him on a regular basis, or put him down any more about his gf's unseemly dominance in our daughter's life. Unless child abuse occurs, I'm going to let him handle it, no matter how well or poorly he does so. I said I was sorry for my ugly comments, I meant it, and it's over. There is no more merry go round of anger here. It's a huge improvement.

I don't have to be supportive! Nodding and agreeing with untruth was never supportive of him, or fair to me, anyway! Mwahahahahaha!!!

Live

Buffalo Gal......HAhahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I will be laughing all night over your post!

Thanks a bundle!
You made your point so very well...with honesty, lots of wisdom and humor.

sarcasm tank! Too funny and don't we all have one?
Depending on the situation,,,,I have found that some of those zingers get heard and make the point after I have said them all too correctly too many times.
But I don't spend my time with people where it comes to that any more.

I read on here the other day "get a clue by four"
I am still laughing about that one!

We do get so damned frustrated sometimes! We are humans, not angels....I think it is no wonder that when faced with the insanity of addiction that we get creative and pretty pointed when we try to talk to it!