Hi Lori,
Welcome to the SR family! We're glad you found us. There is support and lots of information available to you on this forum. At the top of this section there are permanent (sticky) posts. Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top. I am always finding wisdom in those posts from members that have "been there and done that".
For me, attending Alanon meetings, reading and posting on SR, and reading self-improvement books have assisted me on my recovery journey.
One of the hardest things to accept was Step One: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.
I didn't feel powerless. I just felt I needed a better technique.
Then someone shared the three C's of addiction with me:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it
The three C's helped me define my responsibilities. Where my responsibilities ended and the other adults responsibilities began. I had to let the other adults in my life make their own choices, experience their own consequences, and find their own solutions. It can be a hair-raising experience, but I'm getting better at letting go of the outcomes.
You said that you don't know if your marriage can handle a relapse at this point. That puts alot of your future (marriage, happiness, serenity) onto alcohol. What if you put your marriage, happiness, serenity into your hands? What if you take steps to take care of yourself, love yourself, do your best for the next 24 hours to be the best wife you can be?
I had to do this in my marriage. I didn't know what the next right move should be. I didn't know what my A's next step would be. I was living in reaction mode and always waiting for his next action to trigger my next reaction. I had to stop reacting to his life and start responding to my life. I needed to let him take care of his side of the street/relationship and I had to start taking care of my side of the street/relationship. I needed to stay in the moment. I only knew one way to do this: I put my marriage on the 24 hour plan. Each day before I put my feet on the floor, I decided to be the best wife I could for the next 24 hours.
Keep doing what you are doing: attending Alanon, reaching out for support and you will be okay.
You are not alone!
We understand.