Hello - I'm new and seeking friends.

Old 08-21-2010, 04:26 AM
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Unhappy Hello - I'm new and seeking friends.

Hi - I'm Lori, and my life has been effected by alcohol.

My husband is cross addicted, and recently admitted himself into detox for oxycontin and alcohol (a recipe for death).

He has been out over a month now - and to the best of my knowledge is clean and sober. I am very proud of him.

We both have begun attending church on Sundays and I feel it is helping me a lot.

I have attended a few Al-anon meetings but still have not found a sponsor.

The issues I am having:

When my husband got out of detox - part of his aftercare was to attend intensive outpatient therapy 4 days a week - for 3.5 hours a day and attended a MINIMUM of 3 AA or NA meetings a week. He went to about 3 therapy sessions and pretty much quit. My husband is on disability for "chronic pain" - and he claimed he could not sit for 3.5 sounded like an "excuse to me - but I didn't say anything (but inside I was VERY disappointed). He IS attending AA meetings - but I don't think he's going to 3 a week. He did get a sponsor - and he is currently working on Step 4 with his sponsor.

I know in al-anon meetings they tell you NOT to try to control the addict. While my husband appears to be clean & sober - he's also doing things the I KNOW they tell you in rehab NOT to do. I know (because my son was in rehab several times) that one of the biggest rules in recovery is to "abstain from PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS".

Before my husband entered detox...he was drinking DAILY (all day) at his friend Pete's house.

My husband and Pete formed the bond. Immediately after getting out of detox - I "advised" my husband that he would probably be best to stay away from Pete since Pete drinks from the time he wakes up - until he closes his eyes at night...and I felt Pete would be a sure "trigger" for my husband to drink.

My husband got teary eyed at "the thought" of giving up Pete as a friend.

Pete was relentless in calling my husband - and for the first few weeks after my husband got home - I was "intercepting" as many calls as I could...even though I knew it was wrong...I couldn't help myself. Apparently Pete got through to my husband while I was at work.

It wasn't long before my husband admitted to stopping at Pete's rental property (that he was getting ready for new tenants) to see Pete. My husband "swears" that Pete does not have any alcohol at his rental units. I want to believe my husband - but I KNOW Pete. And besides did my husband KNOW for sure that Pete didn't have any alcohol there before he stopped??? My husband told me that he was "okay" and not to worry - "It's not like I'm stopping at Pete's house - where I use to drink everyday."....

I am worried sick about this - and I don't know what to do. I AM PRAYING - and I pretty much have put it in God's hands...but I am still worried. I don't know that my marriage can handle a relapse at this point.

My husband just told me lastnight - that he stopped at his sisters to drop off tomotoes from his parents (his sister rents a house from Pete - ON PETE'S PROPERTY). So while he was there - he stopped in at Pete's house. Is this the beginning of the end???

What do I do? Let go and let God?

Any and all advice is GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you in advance.
Lori Ann
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Old 08-21-2010, 04:54 AM
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Hi Lori

Yes this a good place to find friends and peace of mind.

I am worried sick about this - and I don't know what to do. I AM PRAYING - and I pretty much have put it in God's hands...but I am still worried.
You solved your problem yourself.

That is all you can do.

Only your husband has the control to stay sober.

Everything you do to intervene will just cause you stress and pain and in the end won't make one bit of difference to his sobriety (or lack of).

Take care of yourself, draw your lines and decide how you want YOUR life to be.

Keep post and reading it will help :ghug3
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Old 08-21-2010, 05:07 AM
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Hi Lori,
Welcome to the SR family! We're glad you found us. There is support and lots of information available to you on this forum. At the top of this section there are permanent (sticky) posts. Some of our stories are in the sticky posts at the top. I am always finding wisdom in those posts from members that have "been there and done that".

For me, attending Alanon meetings, reading and posting on SR, and reading self-improvement books have assisted me on my recovery journey.

One of the hardest things to accept was Step One: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

I didn't feel powerless. I just felt I needed a better technique.

Then someone shared the three C's of addiction with me:
I did not cause it
I can not control it
I will not cure it

The three C's helped me define my responsibilities. Where my responsibilities ended and the other adults responsibilities began. I had to let the other adults in my life make their own choices, experience their own consequences, and find their own solutions. It can be a hair-raising experience, but I'm getting better at letting go of the outcomes.

You said that you don't know if your marriage can handle a relapse at this point. That puts alot of your future (marriage, happiness, serenity) onto alcohol. What if you put your marriage, happiness, serenity into your hands? What if you take steps to take care of yourself, love yourself, do your best for the next 24 hours to be the best wife you can be?

I had to do this in my marriage. I didn't know what the next right move should be. I didn't know what my A's next step would be. I was living in reaction mode and always waiting for his next action to trigger my next reaction. I had to stop reacting to his life and start responding to my life. I needed to let him take care of his side of the street/relationship and I had to start taking care of my side of the street/relationship. I needed to stay in the moment. I only knew one way to do this: I put my marriage on the 24 hour plan. Each day before I put my feet on the floor, I decided to be the best wife I could for the next 24 hours.

Keep doing what you are doing: attending Alanon, reaching out for support and you will be okay.
You are not alone!
We understand.
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Old 08-22-2010, 03:16 PM
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Hi Lori

How are you doing? feeling?

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Old 08-22-2010, 05:09 PM
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HI..and welcome....

the three C's are a must in your stinking thinking...

USE your AL ANON every single day...get a sponsor...go to many meetings as you can and WANT..and NEED...(he goes to AA, you go to AL ANON)that is what they are there for...use the slogans....they do help...

stay here and READ AND READ and READ will find alot of friends here with same experiences as you...ask question...go into chat...that is what SR is all about...tradition 12 says...principle before personalities....and its true....

lessons learned and we grow....that is what its all about....
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Old 08-22-2010, 05:43 PM
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Welcome to SR Lori

I know how you feel... I left my husband in April and he told me a few days ago that he started an outpatient treatment. He told me he was going to do group therapy twice a week and will be going to AA three times a week. We haven't had much contact since I left and I was glad to hear that he might be on the right path now. BUT my first thoughts were: he's only doing group (?), he really should have a individual therapy session at least once a week... does he know he needs to work the steps at AA and not just show up... I should tell him that he needs to find a sponsor asap... - Instead of saying any of this, I took a deep breath and told myself that he will do what he will do... his treatment/ recovery is something HE needs to deal with and I need to make sure that I don't obsess about his every move because then I'm right back in all that craziness. I told him that I hope his treatment is going well and left it at that. Just like I couldn't control whether he drinks, I can't control the treatment program he chooses or doesn't choose. It's hard, I know, but you will feel a lot saner if you try to concentrate on yourself and let your husband focus on HIS recovery.

I completely understand what you mean when you say you don't think that your marriage can handle a relapse at this point. But you can't prevent a relapse by controling your husbands every move... maybe try channeling all that energy into something you HAVE control over - YOURSELF! Figure out what it is you want in life - what can you live with and what are you no longer willing to live with... that way IF your RAH has a relapse you know what you need to do for yourself!
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Old 08-22-2010, 05:58 PM
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I couldn't resist!

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Old 08-22-2010, 06:27 PM
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Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
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welcome lori! you will find an enormous amount of support here and if you really listen, really take it in, you will be on the road to relieving some of the pain addiction has brought into your life. (although i know, some of it.. you won't want to hear!) I feel for you and what you have and continue to go through with addiction in your life. i couldn't agree more with the three C's. it is so difficult to be hands off in situations regarding loved ones, but when it comes to addictions and sobriety, that is exactly the stance you need to take. his sobriety is his sobriety - and although the consequences of his drinking will effect your life - whether or not he does or does not is not something that you can control. and thinking anything otherwise will no doubt just drive you completely crazy.

keep busy and find things to do that make YOU happy. focus on yourself and you will become stronger each day..

read read read and post often about your feelings

xoxo keep in touch
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Old 08-28-2010, 03:11 AM
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I am doing great!!! I let go - and let God...and it worked.
Thank you for caring.
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