So, I need to be confident that I am doing what is right for my daughter. I know the pain of divorce, I don't know the pain of growing up with a mean, alcoholic father. I want to choose the lesser of 2 evils and I haven't been sure what that was.
I struggled before my divorce with all the fear of how I would destroy my kids lives etc. I had to come to the decision that what was best for my mental health and my sanity was the best decision, and that my children would cope based on how I handled the emotional hardships.
I mean, I can't control how it will affect them. But I can provide a good example of healthy living and problem-solving. I can provide open lines of communication and support. And I can allow them their own process and the dignity to handle their life and their hardships for themselves.
I really admire the way you have opened up to your daughter and allowed her to have her own response, without arguing with her or denying her experience.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, and all that entails, and when I was your daughter's age and I said something directly to my mother about my dad's drinking she slapped me right across the face!
Your daughter has probably already learned all that I did in my alcoholic family (denial, deception, people-pleasing, walking on eggshells etc). It does not mean that she has not also learned great things, and good things! It does not mean she is diminished in any way. My mom is still a great denier of reality, but through my own experiences and through seeking help once I was in my twenties I have been able to free myself of my bad habits of mind.
It has taken an A father (who eventually recovered), 3 A brothers, a bad marriage, a good divorce, AlAnon and therapy to get me to a better place but that's just life, and I am grateful for all the lessons I've had to learn. Once I finally walked into AlAnon I do remember thinking , wow, I wish I had heard/read some of this when I was a teenager!
In my opinion: By being open and non-judgmental w/ your daughter you are teaching her so much that is good. By getting help for yourself through AlAnon you are setting a good example. And by making your decisions based on your own health and sanity you will also be teaching her something good!
Good luck - Peace-
B