Work Woes
I am an occasional poster on these forums, but just felt the need to share my experience of the last month or so.
I am 14 months sober, I go to meetings and aftercare although I don't have a sponsor and yesterday was accused quite correctly, of not putting the work into the programme, which is why I am suffering these anxieties.
Although not a naturally confident person, I had enough self worth to get by and had no insecurities about my abilities in a work situation (during my drinking days). Since coming out of treatment, and sobriety, I am a complete basket case. I had no job, so did a course in PHP/MSQL and very quickly made up my mind that it was too hard for me. If I pulled out, I would lose my source of income, so that wasn't an option, so attended faithfully, and although I didn't pass the developer exam, I did get an extra qualification in the Associate exam. I then started covering a maternity leave contract with an old organisation which was deadly boring but propelled me towards a second short term contract with the same organisation. My old boss was a colleague of my new boss and was singing my praises from the rooftops, and I was taken on.
It has been downhill all the way since - I was aware of the high expectations, and my own idea was to go in and provide flawless cover for the person I was taking over from. It's a really busy place with so much to do, and I am working through lunch, arriving early in the morning in my bid to show them that I am this fantastic employee - WHY do I need to do this?? If I make a mistake, I beat myself up, although mistakes happen regularly with other colleagues, and it doesn't seem to bother them. It's like a ball rolling down the hill, the more it happens and the more I take it upon myself that it's my fault (which it very often isn't) the worse I feel, and it's getting to the point now when people perceive that I am stupid (according to me). I also feel that my mistakes are pointed out regularly, but when I do come up with the goods, this isn't pointed out - again, why do I need affirmation that I am doing a good job. Things that I would have taken in my stride last year prove a problem - I can't do lateral thinking and am not on the ball. Even worse, when someone comes up behind me and asks for something on the computer, I feel pressurised, fall to pieces and start sweating - am working my way towards a full blown panic attack at this rate. The thing is that when they move away, I am able to find whatever quite easily.
A person at a meeting I went to yesterday said that you get what you put into the programme and if I committed fully, all these insecurities would go away - and I am sure she is right. I am going to a meeting on Monday which I believe is prime sponsor material, and hoping after a few weeks that I will find someone to talk all this out with, but in the meantime, wanted reassurance I suppose that I wasn't losing my mind. The funny thing is, I went to a meeting yesterday and the person who chaired spoke of similar feelings, so I couldn't wait to say my piece.