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Work Woes

Old 08-14-2010, 05:18 AM
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Work Woes

I am an occasional poster on these forums, but just felt the need to share my experience of the last month or so.

I am 14 months sober, I go to meetings and aftercare although I don't have a sponsor and yesterday was accused quite correctly, of not putting the work into the programme, which is why I am suffering these anxieties.

Although not a naturally confident person, I had enough self worth to get by and had no insecurities about my abilities in a work situation (during my drinking days). Since coming out of treatment, and sobriety, I am a complete basket case. I had no job, so did a course in PHP/MSQL and very quickly made up my mind that it was too hard for me. If I pulled out, I would lose my source of income, so that wasn't an option, so attended faithfully, and although I didn't pass the developer exam, I did get an extra qualification in the Associate exam. I then started covering a maternity leave contract with an old organisation which was deadly boring but propelled me towards a second short term contract with the same organisation. My old boss was a colleague of my new boss and was singing my praises from the rooftops, and I was taken on.

It has been downhill all the way since - I was aware of the high expectations, and my own idea was to go in and provide flawless cover for the person I was taking over from. It's a really busy place with so much to do, and I am working through lunch, arriving early in the morning in my bid to show them that I am this fantastic employee - WHY do I need to do this?? If I make a mistake, I beat myself up, although mistakes happen regularly with other colleagues, and it doesn't seem to bother them. It's like a ball rolling down the hill, the more it happens and the more I take it upon myself that it's my fault (which it very often isn't) the worse I feel, and it's getting to the point now when people perceive that I am stupid (according to me). I also feel that my mistakes are pointed out regularly, but when I do come up with the goods, this isn't pointed out - again, why do I need affirmation that I am doing a good job. Things that I would have taken in my stride last year prove a problem - I can't do lateral thinking and am not on the ball. Even worse, when someone comes up behind me and asks for something on the computer, I feel pressurised, fall to pieces and start sweating - am working my way towards a full blown panic attack at this rate. The thing is that when they move away, I am able to find whatever quite easily.

A person at a meeting I went to yesterday said that you get what you put into the programme and if I committed fully, all these insecurities would go away - and I am sure she is right. I am going to a meeting on Monday which I believe is prime sponsor material, and hoping after a few weeks that I will find someone to talk all this out with, but in the meantime, wanted reassurance I suppose that I wasn't losing my mind. The funny thing is, I went to a meeting yesterday and the person who chaired spoke of similar feelings, so I couldn't wait to say my piece.
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Old 08-14-2010, 06:14 AM
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Jean,

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've had some of my worst work experiences since I've been sober. Some of it has to do with external circumstances, but I think the way I react (and I, too, worry about the quality of my work and overcompensate by working harder and judge myself harshly when I perceive that I'm not being properly appreciated) has to do with ME. Sometimes I almost literally shut down and can't concentrate on what I'm doing.

I'm coming to the same conclusion you are, which is that I need to start doing serious step work.

Meantime, no, I don't think either one of us is going literally crazy, but we are a little screwed up. I also think, in my case, I have a touch of PAWS that hits from time to time, which affects my cognitive abilities. I will sometimes have "brain fog" or blank spots in my thinking. Sometimes that will cause me to panic a bit, which, of course, doesn't help. It does pass, eventually.

Just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.
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Old 08-14-2010, 06:38 AM
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I don't know that there's any instant cure, even when working through the steps. It takes time for the brain to heal, this is a physiological reality. Even though it's been 4 weeks of abstinence this time around for me, I'm still struggling with anxiety and irritability in my job. When I drank, I was less irritable. This time around, I'm going to stick with the abstinence despite the mood difficulties, because eventually it's going to get a lot better. Also, it's better to be irritable or moody or spacey than have to deal with a hangover or having the shakes on the job.
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Old 08-14-2010, 10:36 AM
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Thanks for that Lexie - it's great when you realise that there are others out there going through exactly that - I was going through the poor me's - thinking that I should learn from all experiences in my life and why should my higher power beat me when I am so low anyway - but hopefully the fog will clear - sending you good wishes
Josette - how right you are in that not having hangovers is great - i can remember hauling myself in feeling like crap and the worst thing is watching my sons go through the same
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Old 08-14-2010, 11:09 AM
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Hang in there, Jean,

I trust it will get better. I think a lot of people in early recovery think everything will be "all better" right away, and then they give up when it isn't.

It takes time for the brain to recover from the abuse it's been through. People who suffer brain injuries, like stroke victims, for example, have to literally re-learn how to do things. We will forge new neural pathways. It's sometimes maddening, but we have to stop kicking ourselves in the meantime.
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Old 08-14-2010, 11:23 AM
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Sorry you are having a rough time but congrats on your sobriety.

I am doing a lot of work with a counselor right now. Today we were talking about the power of our thoughts. If you approach your jobwith anxiety, other will pick up on it, same if you don't think you are doing well enough.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by jeanmh View Post
Thanks for that Lexie - it's great when you realise that there are others out there going through exactly that -
^^This has been exactly what has amazed me about being on SR. I never imagined how good it would feel to have others say, "I went through that, too, but I [whatever], and that really helped." Sometimes just hearing other people say they understand what I'm talking about is great, even if they don't have any suggestions about what I should do.

Keep at your sobriety. You can admit, I'm sure, that it's a lot better than being drunk.
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Old 08-14-2010, 04:02 PM
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+1 to lexiecat, plus after about 6 months sobriety and about the next couple of years your performance across the board will improve giving you increased confidence.

But if you are in the wrong position for you and you don't find it enjoyable, it is okay to move on to something different.

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