it was hope to get back the life I wanted...the dreams I'd had for my family...the fairy tale I was busy creating the whole time his drug usage was escalating.
I felt exactly the same way. I was busy creating the fairytail and not living or looking at the reality of what was going on. Truth be told I didn't KNOW the reality for a long time.
and voila...twins. He just let me take the reins in so many areas of our lives...building a new home...schooling...and on and on and on...
Exact same thing here too. He was very involved when they were babies, but once they became older, although still present and loving to them, he turned the reigns over. Actually I probably took them over.... Because I wasn't happy with where he was leading things and rather than look at the crux of what was going on I took on many, many things in this household. Until the point where living with an addict AND doing everything that a 2 parent household should have split equally drug me down so far. Little by little, I stopped caring about working out, taking my vitamins, coloring my hair, etc. I used to take alot of pride in my appearance. But it became easier to throw on some sweats and put my hair up in a bun.
I think for me I held on to hope selfishly...and tried to maintain the facade of a fairy tale that was never meant to be. I wrapped it in hope because it sounded good...and it made me feel better...and it gave me a legitimate excuse to keep pushing
100% agree with this too. I'll add though, I'd kept his addiction under wraps SO well until he lost his job. Most nobody knew. Once he lost his job it became apparant. I had to dismantle this 'fairy tail' marriage. From the outside looking in, we had it all.
I still wade through the pain, shame, embarassment. Even now. I'm starting to realize that most of it is what I put on myself. Society has been very supportive in general. People are starting to reach out. I've had friends that really aren't close friends ask me to go out with them. (just hanging with the girls). I've pushed myself so very far underground socially and I'm trying to dig myself out.
Today, I still have hope for him and for his sake...I just have to take myself totally out of the equation. I literally have to say it like this, 'Exah and I will never be together again and the fairy tale is over, but I still want him to be well and be a father to his daughters.' When I frame it up front that I am not involved, then I don't go down the winding road of reopening chapters in the past that involve me and him in situations that cannot be. And that's the only way I can be healthy about the concept of hope where exah is concerned.
TLG - VERY insightful. I'm going to print this out. I am finding out first hand how I struggle with staying away and not 'reopening chapters'. Not to start over again, but still trying to make him 'right his wrongs' where he can. I still carry alot of anger. Wow....