Hi there!
I'm sorry for your struggle. It is painful living with active alcoholism. It is a family disease and affects everyone that loves the alcoholic.
I was like the frog in the pot of water. Someone turned up the heat, but it was so subtle -I didn't notice. I almost got cooked in that hot pot. I feel like I got scalded, but I am recovering today.
I finally noticed that my life was not how I wanted it to be. I couldn't see myself growing old with an alcoholic. Every social activity revolved around alcohol. Eating out - only if they serve alcohol. Vacations - gotta find a bar that serves beer for meals. Hotel rooms must have a fridge. We even had a dorm fridge in our master closet for closet drinking when the in-laws were in town. It was never ending.
I was certain that the solution was to fix my alcoholic. If I could just get him to live the life I wanted for us, then we could.......
I am here to tell you the truth. I am thankful that I could not fix my alcoholic. I'd be a hot mess today if I had continued on that path of self-neglect.
I really had to stop looking at the alcoholic and start looking at me. This is not easy to do. I was accustomed to watching his moods, reactions, anticipating the next binge, moving funds to cover debts, etc. What would become of him if I put the focus on me?
I didn't know how to focus on my needs anymore.
I didn't find all the answers right away. I had to be patient with myself. Just as the heat was turned up slowly on the frog in the pot, I had to allow time for the pot to cool down.
Some of the things that have helped me were Alanon meetings, SR, self-help books and conversations with a social worker.
However you get to where you're going, it's your path to choose. We are here to support you along the way!