How did you know?

Old 08-08-2010, 07:19 PM
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How did you know?

I'm just wondering if it is true that everyone hits a point when they know enough is enough and leave? I have been with my AB for almost 8 years, I know he isn't going to change, I know that drinking will probably kill him, I know I deserve better than the abuse I have endured, so why haven't I left yet???

My friends and family keep telling me when you are ready you will leave, but I don't understand why I can't. I have allowed myself to change so much for this person, into someone I don't even like. Family tells me how much I have changed and isolated myself. I know it and see it, why can't I get the balls to change it. I guess I am so frustrated with myself tonight, his behavior hasn't changed, why I still have hope that he will treat me with love and respect is beyond me. I threaten to kick him out and never follow through & I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper into depression.

I keep debating on going to a Al-Anon meeting or to a counselor, maybe both would be good for me. I am so miserable, I have gained so much weight & feel like I am not attractive anymore & will probably be alone if I leave him. Part of my problem as well is that I am still so physically attracted to him (not the passed out, peed his pants person though. I KNOW I need to concentrate on myself, but I find it so hard to concentrate & stay focused.

Just reaching out to see if anyone else has felt this way, words of advice, just a friendly post would be welcome at this point.
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:38 PM
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I think, for me, a lot of what makes it difficult to leave is that we feel we have so much INVESTED in the relationship. For me, that often meant literal investment, lol, men have cost me, financially, a bundle. But there is emotional investment, there is having a home together, there is the investment of a large chunk of TIME and EFFORT.

It's kinda like being at the casinos. You start off winning, but then you start to lose. And you lose some more, and lose some more. You keep thinking if you keep playing, you're bound to win back your investment. You lose some more.

Finally, you come to your senses that if you don't get out NOW, you will be sorry indeed.

That's what it took for me--the point where I simply HAD to cut my losses. That point is different for everyone, I think. Some of us remain hopeful a lot longer than others. Or, you could say, some of us are able to sustain the delusion a lot longer than others.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:46 PM
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Exactly Lexie, it is as if I could not bear to think that everything I had invested in the relationship no longer paid dividends, and I hoped that if I just stayed in there a bit longer, maybe it would all come out right.

Finally, at the end of my tether, I realised it was NEVER going to change for the better and it was time to stop the bailing, and just abandon ship.

XAH went down with the ship, but it was a painfully slow descent.
RABF stayed a bit, then grabbed a life belt and dived overboard, being picked up by the recovery lifeboat. NO, I was NOT rowing, as always had....I wasn't in the same boat this time.

The problem for me was that both A's could convince me that "this time" was different and each "meant business". Soon as I got comfortable again, whammo and into the old ways they went, and I was almost numb and unable to move with disappointment, and despair.

It only ended when I quit believing the words and believed the actions, and had to admit it was a waste of time, effort and health, and my life was passing swiftly.

No way in this world will I ever be that gullible again.

Your day of enlightenment and action will come, maybe sooner than you think.

God bless
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:06 PM
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You are being emotionally manipulated and abused by your ABF. The tactic is to make you feel confused and stuck, so you don't leave. Alcoholics are experts at this kind of thing. They throw you a small bone of hope, then down the rollercoaster you go again.

I haven't left yet but it is my plan. My gut instincts tell me that the pain, stress, anxiety, torment, depression and confusion I'm experiencing are not acceptable... and certainly not for the rest of my life. I'm working on getting the courage I need to get out. You should too.
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:09 PM
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This time last year was a nightmare for me. My husband was driving and drinking every day. It was insane. In the fall he came home drunk three days in a row. I'm surprised that he didn't have a wreck. On the fourth day I prayed that he not come home again drunk but if he did let it be that day. He did. I put him to bed and called my attormey and made an appointment for the next morning and went and filed. My divorce was final in Jan. I am thankful that I finally mustered up the courage to do what I should have done years ago. Life is much better now. I had turned into someone that I didn't even know. Now I'm working on getting "me" back. I've been in Alanon for over a year and that is one of the best things I have done. I also went to a counselor, started going back to church and doing other activities that I had stopped because of him. I'm very thankful to be on this side of the madness.
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:09 PM
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Hi there!

I'm sorry for your struggle. It is painful living with active alcoholism. It is a family disease and affects everyone that loves the alcoholic.

I was like the frog in the pot of water. Someone turned up the heat, but it was so subtle -I didn't notice. I almost got cooked in that hot pot. I feel like I got scalded, but I am recovering today.

I finally noticed that my life was not how I wanted it to be. I couldn't see myself growing old with an alcoholic. Every social activity revolved around alcohol. Eating out - only if they serve alcohol. Vacations - gotta find a bar that serves beer for meals. Hotel rooms must have a fridge. We even had a dorm fridge in our master closet for closet drinking when the in-laws were in town. It was never ending.

I was certain that the solution was to fix my alcoholic. If I could just get him to live the life I wanted for us, then we could.......

I am here to tell you the truth. I am thankful that I could not fix my alcoholic. I'd be a hot mess today if I had continued on that path of self-neglect.

I really had to stop looking at the alcoholic and start looking at me. This is not easy to do. I was accustomed to watching his moods, reactions, anticipating the next binge, moving funds to cover debts, etc. What would become of him if I put the focus on me?

I didn't know how to focus on my needs anymore.

I didn't find all the answers right away. I had to be patient with myself. Just as the heat was turned up slowly on the frog in the pot, I had to allow time for the pot to cool down.

Some of the things that have helped me were Alanon meetings, SR, self-help books and conversations with a social worker.

However you get to where you're going, it's your path to choose. We are here to support you along the way!
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:53 AM
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I have noticed that I and a lot of other people appear to wait for the last straw: They wait for the alcoholic to do something that is just so painful and devastating that they just HAVE TO get out in order to survive. It's like we wait for a life-or-death sense of urgency in us. I'm not sure why this is. I think it probably just has something to do with ordinary human motivation AND the fact that you are living in a situation that has made you, admittedly, DEPRESSED. When a person is depressed, it is very hard to do ANYthing extra, much less change your entire life. I hope you get the motivation to do something to change your circumstances soon.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:09 AM
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All I can say is that I was scared to death to be alone, to leave, to stand on my own. But I did it, and it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself. At first, I was lonely, I admit it, and sad sometimes, and I didn't sleep well for a couple of months, but all of a sudden, when I realized that I was no longer on edge all the time, that the place I call home was now free of tension, and was truly my sanctuary, and that I was happy...I thanked God that I walked away before I lost my sanity.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:14 AM
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Thank you all for your encouragement, I think sometimes it just helps to know that you aren't alone in the situation and other people know exactly what you are going through. AB came home last night after drinking all day and smoking crack. The crack thing is new, he has to get a bigger high than the alcohol. Luckily, we do not own anything together, no property or possessions, which looking back is sad that in 8 years we didn't purchase 1 thing together. His money always went for him. I know what is coming, he is going to wake up and beg to stay, he is going to promise to get clean, go to meetings, blah, blah, blah. Same old story. He, like all of them, is the master at manipulation. He has gotten so good at his verbal abuse that I know he has torn me down. I called for the next Al Anon meeting, I'm not sure why I am so scared to go to that, but it is tomorrow night & I am really planning to go.

I know I will survive this, but right now my heart is really breaking. I keep telling myself, you only get 1 shot at life & this is not the way I want to spend it. I have to get rid of that small voice inside that thinks maybe he will change this time.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:29 AM
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AB came home last night after drinking all day and smoking crack. The crack thing is new...
Beaumawe, A drunk, cracked-out man is DANGEROUS and TOXIC.

I am THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in my life. My health, safety and well-being is my NUMBER ONE priority. I do not allow ANYone drunk or on crack in my presence. And when a person who is drunk or on crack tries to associate with me, that INSULTS me. My home is my SANCTUARY and I do not allow toxic, poisonous people into my sanctuary. I do not CARE how the other person feels--their feelings are not MY responsibility--their feelings are THEIR responsibility. I do WHATEVER I need to do to protect myself. NO ONE else is going to do that for me.
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:31 AM
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If things have escalated to him now using crack, the chances of him changing any time soon are almost nil. What would he have to do in order for you to finally say, Enough?
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:42 AM
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Beaumawe, A drunk, cracked-out man is DANGEROUS and TOXIC.

That is very true, we have never had a physical altercation, but lately, when he goes off on a rampage of yelling I look in his eyes & I truely don't know this person. He looks crazy. A very dear friend sent me an email with traits of a sociopath, and the scary thing is he fit every single thing to a T, down to killing small animals as a child. Maybe sociopaths & alcoholics walk a very similar path. He has changed so incredibly much from the person I met 8 years ago.

When he is on one of his binges, I hardly sleep. I will be honest & admit I have a baseball bat & fishing knife next to my bed. I try to tell myself that I am being paranoid, but I can tell when he gets that crazy look that he is no longer there.

Writing on these posts helps, to re-read what I just wrote makes me wonder what in gods name I am doing with this person in my life.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:02 AM
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Writing on these posts helps, to re-read what I just wrote makes me wonder what in gods name I am doing with this person in my life.
wow, killing small animals? yikes, that is scary!
and yeah, the crack will make him crazy. scary crazy. my ex would go from tears to rage in less than 60 seconds.

be safe beaumawe
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:07 AM
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I have spent this whole morning repeating in my head that it is time to end it. I just keep repeating that over & over. I replay the last 8 years and how it has spiraled down to this, and keep trying to give myself the strength that when he wakes up I can once and for all tell him it is done. I have debated since last night on getting a no contact, but honestly, I am afraid of what he would do if I did that. I am hoping that I can catch him before he starts drinking and get him to leave. Easier said than done.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:34 AM
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Please do not tell him when he has been smoking. Wait until he has a clean/sober moment. Seriously, people ARE dangerous when they have been smoking crack.
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Old 08-09-2010, 09:42 AM
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I know your pain, My ex didn't hurt animals, but he was verbally abusive. He is sober but caused me so much heartache and his crazy making behavior was just surreal.

I would sit with my therapist and she would say "you will leave when you're ready"
It took my therapist 4 yrs to get out of a veru physically abusive relationship.

Like L2L says, it's like we need to wait for the "witching hour" to leave. In my case, well I caught my EX BF cheating on me yesterday and finally left him.
It didn't take the verbal abuse, the gaslighting or the other things, it took this.
I justified it all with "well he's in AA and stopped drinking and I was told it takes a dry drunk time to adjust"
yeah, while he was "adjusting" I was dying inside.

I loved him and still care about him, but at what point is enough enough? it's a hard one

And he prob is a sociopath with the killing of animals. The crack will turn to something stronger and then his actions will be what he needs to fill his void.
I feel your pain
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:09 AM
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I was also scared to go to an AlAnon meeting. I put it off until I was absolutely desperate for sanity. IT WAS THE BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE! Sometimes what we fear the most is exactly what we need the most.
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:19 AM
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I don't think it always works out to where you WILL get to a place where you're done. Some people live their whole lives in this misery. Some people never get a chance to leave their alcoholic/addict, because the alcoholic/addict leaves them.

I think for people who do leave, they can look back and see, yep, I was just done.

I hope you do leave, because that sounds like no kind of life. You're probably not doing him any favors by staying with him either. You're most likely cushioning any rock bottom he needs to hit.
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Old 08-09-2010, 12:29 PM
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I knew I was unhappy in my relationship with my XA+ABF who was addicted to crack but 5 years clean, but I didn't know what to DO about that unhappiness at the time, other than be miserable, retreat from him, and be mad and/or depressed about it. After some time, he started smoking pot again and I kinda' just ignored that. I didn't actually KNOW what it MEANT for someone to be a crack addict "5 years clean." I didn't even know what A.A. was. Once he relapsed on the alcohol, I very quickly found out what that all meant. I was naive and struggling with some things in my OWN LIFE, unrelated to either him or the relationship: Things like mortgages and job losses and normal things like that. I was doing my best to live my life the best I could, regardless of what he was doing. But what he ACTUALLY did was make my life HARDER on a somewhat daily basis. He created problems where there was NO NEED for problems. He was not an equal partner. He made very poor financial decisions. He paid his share of the rent according to his own terms and his own timeframes. Even after he betrayed me and cheated on me and was downright rotten to me, I held on tight. Sooner or later, after enough time in the Rooms, I was able to focus on me and eventually let go. It was Hell. But I MADE it Hell. Now I know I had a choice to make it hell or not. It's a hard lesson to learn but once you learn it, it's just as hard to forget it. You live and you learn.
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Old 08-09-2010, 01:07 PM
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For me finally having enough had nothing to do with what my RAH did, but only with me, what I dind't do.
When I finally started working on myself, when I told myself no more BS, and when I started questioning myself, only than I was ready to be done with him. Before I was stuck in denial, in fear, in agony, but I refused to admit that has anything to do with me. He was the one to be blamed for my misery. Fair enough, but doesn't it sound a bit hypocritical that I was expecting my husband to act responsibly, while I was refusing to do the very same thing?
So I rolled up my sleeves and started working on myself. I have to admit I wasn't ready to do that until I got totaly desperate, when that desperation became bigger than my hope and my fears. Only when I did that living with an active A became NO OPTION FOR ME.
It just so happened soon after I left him, my husband started his recovery, but don't be confused, that didn't happen because I left him, but because he faced his death due to alcohol abuse. So that was his enough point. That had nothing to do with me.

Now he's living again with me and kids, and we are enjoying each other's company and taking it easy. He was always nice person, mostly through his drinking days too, and he is on his best behaviour. What we have now is nice, but I'm approaching it from a whole different perspective than I would before I did that work on myself. I don't know what will happen with us, and I don't need to know. Life is unpredictable, and I'm finally more than fine with it. But there is only one thing I know for sure: Living with an active A is not an option for me any more, because I've finally learned I'm a whole person and I don't need anyone to complete me, but I like to have someone by my side to share the life with, it just happens my RAH can give me this now, and I truly need just one thing from him: RESPECT.
So my advice is simple: get honest with yourself about yourself. Get to know you and your fears, your beliefs, your life paradigms, your hopes, and than see which of these can be changed to your benefit.
take care
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