Originally Posted by
Learn2Live 
Uncertain, I just got off the phone with my mom, who has lived with my impossible AF 50 years and had 6 children. I told her about ur post and she told me to tell you definitely you must take care of yourself first. She said to commit to taking care of your hygiene, that is, getting dressed up, doing your hair, putting make-up EVERY day (so cute but so true). She said you must feel pretty every day.
hope this brings a smile to your face
L2L, thanks, your mom did make me smile. And then I cried, so many reasons, and I am so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I think foremost is the fact that I'm still finding it hard to accept that I deserve to have people be nice to me. Which sounds so stupid when I write it out because I *know* I deserve to be treated nice, sometimes I just don't feel it. Does that make sense?
Another reason is I'm realizing that the only time I haven't done my makeup or hair or tried to dress nice was when I was so sick I couldn't crawl out of bed. Didn't matter if I was going out or not. It was armor. It was another layer of (ineffectual) protection between me and my STBXAH. (If I looked OK, maybe he wouldn't ignore me or wouldn't take his anger out on me, which ever was in store for the day...) It has been a struggle lately to finish getting ready for the day. I have cried myself sick on a number of occassions.....
HP. Each thread I pull unravels something completely new.
I'm still trying to figure out what exactly is triggering the anxiety. My stomach knots up as I start the day, as I get ready to leave the house, as I get ready to leave work, and doesn't unknot for dinner. We're living with my sister and her family, and they have been so supportive and loving, so I don't think it's toxic people. In fact I'm afraid I might be the toxic person - dragging all this cr-p into their lives.
I'm better when at work, even though I have to deal with a large number of people who feel entitled to be moved to the front of the line just because of who they are or their company is, which I detest, but it's a secure building where people have to present ID and the Front Desk calls to verify they are expected. And I am getting much better at telling the pushy people that their project is in line and will be worked on as the appropriate departments get to it. So a little progress on my part there.
Thanks, Posie for your post. I am really drawn to how you start your day with 10 minutes of meditation and think I'll give that a try.
I'm sorry everyone. It seems this post isn't so much about dealing with STBX's alcoholism or my recovery from that as it is about the abuse that he inflicted and trying to cope with that. Thank you so much for your support.