I am so PO'd

Old 08-01-2010, 12:35 PM
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I am so PO'd

DS called his father today from the next room and kept the phone on speaker. Yes, I listened, because STBXAH has a major history of lying to our son about, well, everything, and it became a habit to be nearby to be able to do damage control after the call ended.

It seems that STBXAH is moving in with his sister this weekend, which is something he has been absolutely refusing to do for months. Now that I've filed for divorce 1. he's moving somewhere that is actually safe for our son. and 2. he actually answered the phone when our son called him, which he never did before. It was always our son leaving messages, calling back, leaving messages and then maybe STBX would call back later that night or the next day.



I know I shouldn't be mad, because our son was so happy when his dad actually answered the phone.

I don't know if I should be happy that his sister finally convinced STXAH that the place he was living was not a good environment for our son or if I have any right to be completely po'd that she's coaching him on how to show the courts that he can be a fit father. But I am po'd. And I now realize where he got the money for a lawyer - unless he got a loan, which is doubtful based on his credit history...

I am trying to focus on the good news. STBXAH is moving somewhere that is safe for our son. If STBXAH is still working nights on Saturdays (the court approved overnight for our son's visits with his father), at least he'll be at family's house rather than at the house of some girl who hangs out with the same alcoholic/drug using crowd as STBXAH.

I am trying to get off the seesaw of letting STBXAH's actions dictate how I feel, but I am having such a hard time right now. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 08-01-2010, 12:41 PM
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Heh, I understand the feeling, but even you see the illogic of it. You're actually PO'd because he is acting the way he should! OK, I understand you question his motives for doing so, but still, try to appreciate the fact that your son is the one who will benefit, regardless of dad's motivations.

Hang in there, he will do something else to tick you off soon enough.
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Old 08-01-2010, 12:48 PM
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Calm down and breathe.

So...why are you mad? This is a good thing. I know how hard it is to give them credit when they do the right thing, but he is doing the right thing. It doesn't in any way threaten your relationship with your son. It doesn't make you any less a good parent. Besides, just because he's doing one thing right doesn't mean he's all of a sudden going to be Dad of the Year...and even if it did, that would be a good thing, too!
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:41 PM
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When all else fails, I sit down and make out a gratitude list of the things I am grateful for today.

My sponsor has told me to do that many times, when I've been mad, frustrated, and upset.

When I start to look at that list as I am typing it out, I can't have an attitude of gratitude and be angry at the same time.

Maybe it's worth a shot?
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:41 PM
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Look for the expectation behind the anger. What could it be?
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Old 08-01-2010, 08:01 PM
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Expectations keep smacking me upside the head... I expected him to fall back into the bottle and make it easier for the courts to see all the cr-p DS and I put up with these past 5+ years. I expected him to let me go and focus his manipulative abuse on his GF instead of me, maybe not right now and maybe not within the next few months, but at least somewhere down the road. (Which is a horrible thing to want I know, but I don't want to be the focus of his abuse any more.) They were supremely naive and selfish expectations.

I *know* I should be happy because the most important person in all of this benefits: our son. DS will have a safe environment for his visits with his father. STBXAH's sister and her husband will be around at least part of the time and will be able to intervene if the abuse cycle starts up with DS as the focus.

I also know that STBXAH can still seek help and stop his abusive behavior. I just do not feel confident that he will.

I have been trying to breathe. I went to the air show with DS and managed to forget for a while. I'll try to start a gratitudes list.

Thanks, all.
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Old 08-01-2010, 08:15 PM
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Any judge with experience will have seen this pattern before (abusive, addicted spouse professes to have magically turned a new leaf and will now make things right for the child).

YOU know the truth and you have documented it, lived it, and can testify to the 5+ years of cr-p. The judge will see that. Be strong, tell the truth, and continue to take care of yourself and your son. You are doing an amazing job in an amazingly difficult situation.
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:19 AM
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theuncertainty,
Here is what I feel you "need" to work on:
I *know* I should be happy because the most important person in all of this benefits: our son.
Now all the parents here will probably be ready to hang me or chase me out of town with pitchforks but the most important person here is NOT your son. The most important person here is YOU. YOU are number one and it is your responsibility to look out for number one.

So, these:
I expected him to fall back into the bottle and make it easier for the courts to see all the cr-p DS and I put up with these past 5+ years. I expected him to let me go and focus his manipulative abuse on his GF instead of me, maybe not right now and maybe not within the next few months, but at least somewhere down the road. (Which is a horrible thing to want I know, but I don't want to be the focus of his abuse any more.) They were supremely naive and selfish expectations.
all sound like reasonable expectations to me. But reality says that they apparently are not. The task is to adjust the expectations for your own health. You do not adjust the expectations for the child, you adjust the expectations for YOU. Just like the alcoholic normally is not successful in stopping drinking when he does it for SOMEONE ELSE, we also need to focus our recovery on US.

So, shift your focus. Stop telling yourself, "Oh yes, I SHOULD be happy because this is GREAT for my son." Because that is a LIE--it is NOT great at all. Focus not on what your son needs but what YOU need. Then, ask yourself, "How can I meet MY needs without consideration for anyone else?"
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Old 08-02-2010, 02:13 PM
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L2L, I had to go away a bit after reading your post, and I'm not really done processing all of it yet. My therapist and my sister both are always reminding me that I need to take care of myself. I'm finding it really hard to do that.

I'm finding lately that I'm not often even sure how to figure out what I need beyond wishing my stomach wasn't tied in knots and I didn't feel like I was going to lose anything I eat or drink - or actually doing so, or knowing that I need more sleep, but can't for more than a couple hours at a time and wake up uneasy or even scared. Much less how to figure out how to get those needs met.

Yes, I know these are all part of the HALT things I need to take care of. I feel like I'd put up a wall to protect me from STBXAH's emotional abuse and other sh-t he put me through and it's quickly crumbling and I don't think I can cope. I feel fine when I'm talking with my therapist, I feel fine for a couple hours after and ... later.... I don't know.... I swing back and forth between anger at him, at myself, and hopelessness that anything will ever change and a few blessed hours of numbness.

I'm afraid my friends are getting fed up with my inability to be anything but hopeless, angry or sad.

All I know is I feel I need to see a psychiatrist, not just counsellor - earliest appointment scheduled 2 weeks from today - that I'm afraid my feelings of hoplessness will overwhelm my anger and me before then. That I really need to talk to someone else about the emotional abuse, etc - support meeting tonight at the local women's shelter and I've scheduled child care for DS with them so I feel obligated to go and less likely to talk myself out of it again.
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Old 08-02-2010, 02:40 PM
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All I know is I feel I need to see a psychiatrist, not just counsellor - earliest appointment scheduled 2 weeks from today - that I'm afraid my feelings of hoplessness will overwhelm my anger and me before then. That I really need to talk to someone else about the emotional abuse, etc - support meeting tonight at the local women's shelter and I've scheduled child care for DS with them so I feel obligated to go and less likely to talk myself out of it again.
theuncertainty,

excellent work taking care of yourself!
i used to talk myself out of appointments too..
very good on you.
wow.

beth
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Old 08-02-2010, 02:43 PM
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I'm finding lately that I'm not often even sure how to figure out what I need beyond wishing my stomach wasn't tied in knots and I didn't feel like I was going to lose anything I eat or drink - or actually doing so, or knowing that I need more sleep, but can't for more than a couple hours at a time and wake up uneasy or even scared. Much less how to figure out how to get those needs met.
I can SO relate to this, I have been there so I know how bad you are feeling. Sometimes it is all you can do in this life to just keep breathing. Always remember that, if you get so bad and can remember nothing else, it is your job to KEEP BREATHING.

Next what you can do, though, is think and try to figure out what gets your stomach tied up in knots in the first place? With an alcoholic or addict, we get so confused that we become wrapped up in trying to figure out just what is going on. We start to think there is something wrong with us and get more confused. Then we get wrapped up in the "Why?" You don't need to figure any of this out right now. All you need to know is, when does your stomach get in knots? Is it when you are exposed to a particular person? If so, what that means is that, that person is TOXIC and you need to get away from them, and stay away from them. If that means that your minor children who you have custody of may not get to see their other parent for a few weeks while you build up your strength, then that is what that means. YOU are the number one priority. You cannot take care of your child if you are falling apart. So, you have to take care of you first.

I am glad you are going to the support meeting at the shelter. If you become in crisis and there is no crisis line, please go to the hospital. And we are here too.

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Old 08-02-2010, 02:47 PM
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((((HUGS))))

I have so been where you are mentally. I understand the drudgery and fear and anxiety that it all brings. The most anxiety-ridden time of my life when when I was divorcing my daughter's dad. He was such a huge jerk and control-freak and had such an inflated ego. I actually filed for divorce while I was pregnant, so of course, we couldn't finalize anything until after the baby was born. That meant I had several months of dealing with his cr*p and I was so tired and beat down that I honestly didn't know if I was going to make it.

Hang in there, hon. I promise you, it will get better. It may take a while, but just know that as bad and crappy everything feels right now, there is a light at the end and once the court makes the rules, your ex will have to follow them and things will get easier.
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:02 PM
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Uncertain, I just got off the phone with my mom, who has lived with my impossible AF 50 years and had 6 children. I told her about ur post and she told me to tell you definitely you must take care of yourself first. She said to commit to taking care of your hygiene, that is, getting dressed up, doing your hair, putting make-up EVERY day (so cute but so true). She said you must feel pretty every day. hope this brings a smile to your face
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:06 PM
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That makes so much sense. When you make the time to do these things, it does make you feel better. I know I slob out on weekends and it does make me not want to do anything or go anywhere. Great advice! The only thing I would add to it is put your shoes on. I go barefoot all the time at home, but when I put my shoes on, I'm ready to go do something. Funny how that works.
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:58 PM
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Great advice from your mom, L2L! I don't really feel ready to tackle/enjoy/embrace my day until I've taken a shower, done my hair and makeup, and dressed in something that makes me feel attractive, even if it's casual (I think you can dress slobby-casual/comfy or attractively-casual/comfy -- make sense?)

When I don't start my day this way, it is waaaaaay too easy to slip into procrastination/poor me/lay-around-and-let-myself-be-depressed mode. I'm not suggesting that anybody else here does that, but I know I sure can and do sometimes!
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Old 08-03-2010, 05:07 AM
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My Mom is always dressed in skirt and blouse with jacket or sweater, hair done, & make-up. (I am the complete opposite LOL). I'm not sure if that is just their generation? But she says that a woman over 40 should NEVER be seen without make up LOL. I guess I frighten people because I am horrible about makeup-yech!

I like the shoes idea Suki.

I was hoping some other people who are parents would chime in and give some examples of how they take care of their needs and still take care of their children.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:47 AM
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Aw, theuncertainty, I feel your pain.

Hm, taking care of myself... A few months ago, after attending Alanon for a few months, I realized that I needed to surround myself with people who were positive and healthy. I recall that I posted about that shortly after joining SR. That has made ALL the difference. I really like what L2L said about that stomach-in-knots feeling and how that happens around people who are toxic. I agree wholeheartedly.

It's a painful part of recovery in a way, because I've had to let go of some relationships that I have a lot of history with--even if it was questionable history. That includes my family, and the decision I made recently to not attend family functions for the next year, to give myself a break.

I know that dealing with your STBXAH isn't optional in some ways since you have a DS together, and I know what that's like since I have a thread going about coparenting with an ACOA. It's a lot of the same thing--lies, manipulation, control, and the "it's all about me no matter what"/King baby syndrome. So no great ESH on that one for me, I'm actively working that through at the moment.

As far as doing things for myself, I love to listen to my favorite music and I sing along in the car. I got a new haircut. I did something nice for 2 of my neighbors who have been very kind to me...they in turn did some nice things for me. I walk my dog and meet other "dog people". I work with my kids to have a "joke of the day" and we all chuckle together, and I feel the joy in my belly when I do that. I sweep and mop my kitchen floor, and scrub the sink. I water my flower garden. I let compliments sink into the very fiber of my being, noting where the resistance is, and letting it pass through anyway. I put on lipstick. I look in the mirror and I say once nice thing I really and truly like about myself. I put fresh flowers on my table. And most importantly, I start my day with meditation/prayer. EVERY DAY. I don't even send an e-mail, reply to a text message, get on SR--NOTHING happens before I meditate. It's only about 10 minutes out of my day but it's an intention for how I want to live my life that day. It was a little challenging to get into the habit of doing it but now it's as important as brushing my teeth!

These are all "small" things in my life that I have found I truly enjoy. I've tried to notice how and where I feel it, and how wonderful it is. Out of that I'm learning to truly love and appreciate myself.

One of my friends recently said, "You're finally learning to love the amazing person that everyone else sees when they look at you!" I'm still letting that one sink in, and it's not easy. One song, one walk, one flower/affirmation/lipstick application at a time.

Do one kind thing for you today, uncertainty. Just cuz.

Hugs,
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Old 08-03-2010, 07:27 AM
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Awesome post Posie. Thank you.
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Old 08-03-2010, 04:42 PM
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I too took a LONG break from the family....15 years abouts...and it still the same...I realize doing this whole time, i have changed...
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Old 08-03-2010, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Uncertain, I just got off the phone with my mom, who has lived with my impossible AF 50 years and had 6 children. I told her about ur post and she told me to tell you definitely you must take care of yourself first. She said to commit to taking care of your hygiene, that is, getting dressed up, doing your hair, putting make-up EVERY day (so cute but so true). She said you must feel pretty every day. hope this brings a smile to your face
L2L, thanks, your mom did make me smile. And then I cried, so many reasons, and I am so tired of this emotional rollercoaster. I think foremost is the fact that I'm still finding it hard to accept that I deserve to have people be nice to me. Which sounds so stupid when I write it out because I *know* I deserve to be treated nice, sometimes I just don't feel it. Does that make sense?

Another reason is I'm realizing that the only time I haven't done my makeup or hair or tried to dress nice was when I was so sick I couldn't crawl out of bed. Didn't matter if I was going out or not. It was armor. It was another layer of (ineffectual) protection between me and my STBXAH. (If I looked OK, maybe he wouldn't ignore me or wouldn't take his anger out on me, which ever was in store for the day...) It has been a struggle lately to finish getting ready for the day. I have cried myself sick on a number of occassions.....
HP. Each thread I pull unravels something completely new.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly is triggering the anxiety. My stomach knots up as I start the day, as I get ready to leave the house, as I get ready to leave work, and doesn't unknot for dinner. We're living with my sister and her family, and they have been so supportive and loving, so I don't think it's toxic people. In fact I'm afraid I might be the toxic person - dragging all this cr-p into their lives.

I'm better when at work, even though I have to deal with a large number of people who feel entitled to be moved to the front of the line just because of who they are or their company is, which I detest, but it's a secure building where people have to present ID and the Front Desk calls to verify they are expected. And I am getting much better at telling the pushy people that their project is in line and will be worked on as the appropriate departments get to it. So a little progress on my part there.

Thanks, Posie for your post. I am really drawn to how you start your day with 10 minutes of meditation and think I'll give that a try.

I'm sorry everyone. It seems this post isn't so much about dealing with STBX's alcoholism or my recovery from that as it is about the abuse that he inflicted and trying to cope with that. Thank you so much for your support.
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