I think the term HFA fits, and I think it was one of the major reasons I questioned my alcoholism and whether I really needed to stop drinking altogether. I have had consequences from my drinking, but I continued to become more successful every year. Some of my thought process has to do with materialistic things, but I learned how to drink effectively, if there is such a thing. I could be drunk, (12 or more beers), could hold conversations with CEO's at sales meetings, parents from my youth sports teams I coached, even police officers. I held my booze well. I also was able to stay physically fit, and I am doing well financially. The only person who could tell if I was drinking was my wife. And she could tell after I had 1 beer, (that's why I love her
). So for me to be able to drink the way I was going 12-15 beers a day, then half a bottle of vodka a night, I had to develop a routine, build a tolerance, and find the right type of drinks that I could hide well and that did not give me a noticable hangover, or even effect me in the morning after. The problem was my life was revolving around how to continue to stay functional without getting caught. Infact I think alot of the reason why I drank was because I felt like I was getting away with something. I liked the feeling of showing up to something that I had no business or for that matter no time to be drunk at, and to be hammered out of my mind.
Not really sure why I enjoyed that feeling so much, but I made sure over the last 2-3 years that I showed up buzzed and normally with some type of flask to drink whereever it could have been most detrimental for me....I guess it was a rush for me. The negative physical effects started to wear on me, with the withdrawals when I was a couple of drinks low, and not sleeping well at night, and then drinking until 2AM and waking up at 6 to run with the dog. But it also started to drain me mentally because what once seemed like fun, (getting drunk everyday, and getting away with it when all the other sorry suckers didn't have a clue and weren't drunk like me), but the lifestyle turned into a very expensive daily job of getting my drink on, hiding the evidence, buying the visine and the mints or gum or mouthwash, showering 3-4 times a day or jumping in the pool to get the alcohol smell off of me. It became a very hard and expensive lifestyle to keep, and to continue coaching full time, and stay successful with my job and finances. It quit being fun for me.
The other part of it was I didn't dislike myself, I was making a conscious effort to continue to drink, I had even gotten to the point that I wasn't fighting with others...I was a happy relaxed drunk and although in younger years I had gotten into fights and in trouble with the law, and had car accidents, and did some really stupid and embarrassing stuff, I was a pretty in control drunk who is well known in my community and looked upon as a stand up person who has a great family and who did alot on my job and in my community. I think most HFA's don't come to recovery places looking for help until they aren't functioning. Mine was a personal choice because I almost stepped over the line and embarrased my family in my mind, so I reached out and started looking for help, because I already knew from past experience that it wasn't going to be easy. There were 3 places drinking was hurting me, it put a strain on my marriage, it hurt me financially because I was spending about $500 a month on booze, it was a daily job that took some real effort on my part to continue functioning, and it just killed my memory. I had touble remembering what day it was. I don't have anything in my life right now that I need to be numbed for other than the daily stresses of life, so I drank and I drank alot because I fell in love with the feeling of being drunk and getting away with it. That's probably another reason why I still haven't had a tough time stopping, because I just drank to drank, there isn't really some underlying reason because I have had a pretty wonderful life.