L2L, I had to go away a bit after reading your post, and I'm not really done processing all of it yet. My therapist and my sister both are always reminding me that I need to take care of myself. I'm finding it really hard to do that.
I'm finding lately that I'm not often even sure how to figure out what I need beyond wishing my stomach wasn't tied in knots and I didn't feel like I was going to lose anything I eat or drink - or actually doing so, or knowing that I need more sleep, but can't for more than a couple hours at a time and wake up uneasy or even scared. Much less how to figure out how to get those needs met.
Yes, I know these are all part of the HALT things I need to take care of. I feel like I'd put up a wall to protect me from STBXAH's emotional abuse and other sh-t he put me through and it's quickly crumbling and I don't think I can cope. I feel fine when I'm talking with my therapist, I feel fine for a couple hours after and ... later.... I don't know.... I swing back and forth between anger at him, at myself, and hopelessness that anything will ever change and a few blessed hours of numbness.
I'm afraid my friends are getting fed up with my inability to be anything but hopeless, angry or sad.
All I know is I feel I need to see a psychiatrist, not just counsellor - earliest appointment scheduled 2 weeks from today - that I'm afraid my feelings of hoplessness will overwhelm my anger and me before then. That I really need to talk to someone else about the emotional abuse, etc - support meeting tonight at the local women's shelter and I've scheduled child care for DS with them so I feel obligated to go and less likely to talk myself out of it again.