Hello Susie,
Your post really hit home. I rationalized the same boundary controls that you did, but in time, I was drinking day and night, barely coming up for air.
As if my physical appearance and hangovers weren't bad enough, the emotional toll it took on me was unbearable.
For me, the hard part was not just stopping the drinking, but staying stopped and not using alcohol (or any other substance) as a crutch whenever I need to escape.
It helped me immensely to identify the stress and tension and habits I had formed around drinking and how to break those habits and develop new ones since life will always have its share of stress; it's how faced stress without self-medicating that was important to learn (such as what happened to you 3 years ago).
When anyone asks for suggestions, I always post how much my alcoholism counselor (not only professionally trained, but in recovery himself for many years) saved my life.
I found him through my community inpatient/outpatient rehab - he's called a LADAC (licensed alcohol and drug abuse counselor). I saw him one night per week (flexibile for work schedules) for the first year (length of time was mutually agreed upon as we worked together).
He taught me the difference between just not drinking and living life fully without the need for alcohol.
You've certainly experienced the joys of sobriety; it sounds like you need suport in learning how to not resort back to the numbing and calming effects of alcohol when problems arise, which may feel good for a bit, but doesn't resolve anything, and actually makes things worse as you know.
My counselor taught me how to do that, along with how to handle wreckage and relationships from my past. It became easier to face when my head was clear.
Glad you're here with us, Suzie. You already *are* a useful member.