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I made a big mistake

Old 08-02-2010, 05:59 AM
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I made a big mistake

I have been abusing alcholol since my early teens, in a very big way. I always thought I had it under control as I use to fool myself that I didnt ever reach for a drink in the morning or ever drink in the day, always held down a job and only drank in the evenings, but here is where the problems start, if I have one drink then I cant stop till I get blind drunk. I have no family at all, only my husband family and friends, who as you can probably imagine because of my problems they dont think very highly of me at all. 6 years ago after some medical problems (severe gastritis) I stopped drinking for just over three years. I lost wieght and treated myself to a whole new wardrobe of clothes, I felt fantastic and looked great, sadly i never regained the respect from my husbands family/friends and still felt very inferior and always as though they are looking down on me, which they do and talking about me which they are.

Anyway the big mistake, 3 years ago I started drinking again, a problem with my husband caused me to move out and that is when i started again. I have since moved back in with my husband, those problems being resolved, however the drinking has not.

This weekend I went to a family party and got blind drunk, I cant remember what I was doing, or indeed saying. I am so mortified, I feel like going to sleep and never waking up again but I realise there is no escaping real life and I have to face up to my problems, so I am determined to give up drinking again and stay sober.

I am going to call this day one as yesterday I was to hungover to drink anyway and spent most of the day in bed trying not to think about the exhibition I must have made of myself the day before, I am too ashamed to even ask my husband about it, and dread seeing any of his family or friends ever again. They are not the type of people you would telephone and apologise to.

I joined this site to meet people with similar problems as I have no one at all in real life to talk to about it. My husband thinks alcoholism is self inflicted and you should have some self respect and just stop. People without this problem dont seem to understand how difficult it is.

I hope I can be a useful member here in the future.
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:07 AM
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Welcome, Suzie,

The good news is that you NEVER have to feel this way again. Read around the site--there is a lot of good information here about alcoholism and ways to recover. I like AA, and it is the most accessible and readily available help there is out there.

Think about going to a meeting, and GO. Every one of us felt lower than low when we first started. You can feel better--maybe a lot sooner than you think.
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:28 AM
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Hi Suzie, I am sorry about what you are going through and that it doesn't sound like you are getting much support. I personally don't do AA, but reading your post it sounds like you could really enjoy having that support.

Best wishes, keep ppsting, this is a great community.
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:49 AM
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Suzie, we have all been where you are now. Feeling lousy about ourselves, having friends and family think we should just “wish" ourselves to get better, feeling helpless against the urge to drink, and thinking we could just hide a little longer in a bottle.
Some here have a few days, some a few weeks or months some even several years. The one thing we all have in common is the desire to stop the madness of drinking/drugging!
Search the site keep coming back, don’t give up there are carrying people here to help and support you. They know where you are, and know how to get out. Listen and learn from them! wish you the best in your journey!!
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
Sadly i never regained the respect from my husbands family/friends and still felt very inferior and always as though they are looking down on me, which they do and talking about me which they are.
That's a shame. Some people never can get past who you used to be when you were using. It was a regular Hyde and Jekyll situation when I drank, so I understand that they can't forgive me. They have their right to resent me for it.

You know what, though? If you've made amends and tried to get better, you can't do anything more. You either just have to shrug and smile or avoid them all together. I guess I'd base my choice on how miserable being around them made me.

Now, onto the present . . .

Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
This weekend I went to a family party and got blind drunk, I cant remember what I was doing, or indeed saying. I am so mortified, I feel like going to sleep and never waking up again but I realise there is no escaping real life and I have to face up to my problems, so I am determined to give up drinking again and stay sober.
Sometimes it takes something like this to get you moving in the right direction. I'm glad you've come to the decision that your drinking has to stop. I won't tout how much better you'll feel because you already know you'll feel better, both physically and mentally.

You know, I quit twice. My first quit only lasted a little over a month. Then, my folks came to visit, and my dad brought me a bottle of Norwegian liquor. I drank the whole bottle over the course of one day. That started things rolling. Before long, I was acting like a jack@$$ again, complete with bucking and braying. I felt so bad and hated being drunk so much I quit again when the new year rolled around, and that one has stuck (so far).

I'd guess you started drinking again to assuage the loneliness you felt right after you had split up with your husband. And you kept on doing it because old habits are hard to break. Do you think that maybe you got so drunk at the family party because you know those folks don't like you anyway? Because you were dreading going and alcohol makes you feel more confident/happy/whatever? For me, recognizing the feelings I'd have right before I drank a whole bunch and made a jerk out of myself has been really helpful.

Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
I am going to call this day one as yesterday I was to hungover to drink anyway and spent most of the day in bed trying not to think about the exhibition I must have made of myself the day before, I am too ashamed to even ask my husband about it, and dread seeing any of his family or friends ever again. They are not the type of people you would telephone and apologise to.
It took me a *long* time into my sobriety before I felt like apologizing to anybody. However, since these people don't like you anyway, have you thought about writing them a long, heartfelt letter of apology, explaining that you're getting help for your alcoholism? It doesn't matter if they "believe in" alcoholism as a disease or not. You will have said your "I'm sorry," and you can move on with your recovery. Whether or not they forgive you is their problem.

They may or may not forgive you. Either way, you have to make Suzie12 (yourself) well again, and that's going to take some soul searching and some perseverance. It took me a long time to accept this, but sometimes you've just burned your bridges with your drunk behavior. Some people will never forgive you. You have to move forward anyway. Apologize when you're ready, and, after that, let it go.

When it comes time for family gatherings, do the thing that keeps Suzy12 well and free of alcohol. Even if that's staying away from the gathering all together. When I know people don't like me, I tend to avoid them, even though I'm sober. There's no reason to make myself or the people who don't like me miserable by foisting myself upon the party. Everybody has a different way of handling such situations, though, and I don't believe there's a wrong approach -- other than showing up with flaming bags of poop and throwing them at the revelers.

Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
I joined this site to meet people with similar problems as I have no one at all in real life to talk to about it.
I understand completely. My family thinks alcoholism means you can only drink every once in a while. They think that once you realize you are an alcoholic, you can control your drinking. [big eye roll] I'm glad you decided to post. I've only been here a couple of days, but it's already helping so much.

Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
My husband thinks alcoholism is self inflicted and you should have some self respect and just stop. People without this problem dont seem to understand how difficult it is.
A lot of them don't. My husband is a drinker, but he is not a destructive alcoholic like I am. So, even though I quit, he still drinks. Every day. At first, it was hard for me to accept that life went on for everybody else around me, even though the party was over for me. I'm slowly learning to let others do what they will. I try to find the positive in every situation or I try to create a situation that is positive for me.

You totally have my sympathy, though, regarding your husband's beliefs about alcoholism.

Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
I hope I can be a useful member here in the future.
I bet you will. Just find a support system (AA or other) and stick to it. I think you'll do well.
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Old 08-02-2010, 07:17 AM
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Hello Susie,

Your post really hit home. I rationalized the same boundary controls that you did, but in time, I was drinking day and night, barely coming up for air.

As if my physical appearance and hangovers weren't bad enough, the emotional toll it took on me was unbearable.

For me, the hard part was not just stopping the drinking, but staying stopped and not using alcohol (or any other substance) as a crutch whenever I need to escape.

It helped me immensely to identify the stress and tension and habits I had formed around drinking and how to break those habits and develop new ones since life will always have its share of stress; it's how faced stress without self-medicating that was important to learn (such as what happened to you 3 years ago).

When anyone asks for suggestions, I always post how much my alcoholism counselor (not only professionally trained, but in recovery himself for many years) saved my life.

I found him through my community inpatient/outpatient rehab - he's called a LADAC (licensed alcohol and drug abuse counselor). I saw him one night per week (flexibile for work schedules) for the first year (length of time was mutually agreed upon as we worked together).

He taught me the difference between just not drinking and living life fully without the need for alcohol.

You've certainly experienced the joys of sobriety; it sounds like you need suport in learning how to not resort back to the numbing and calming effects of alcohol when problems arise, which may feel good for a bit, but doesn't resolve anything, and actually makes things worse as you know.

My counselor taught me how to do that, along with how to handle wreckage and relationships from my past. It became easier to face when my head was clear.

Glad you're here with us, Suzie. You already *are* a useful member.
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Old 08-02-2010, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Suzie12 View Post
People without this problem dont seem to understand how difficult it is.
Nor do they have to understand it, Suzie. 'Why don't you just buck up and be more in control?' is a commonplace observation. It's well intended, and makes perfect sense to a non-alcoholic.

Originally Posted by AA Big Book 1st Ed., pg. 20
Now these are commonplace observations on drinkers which we hear all the time. Back of them is a world of ignorance and misunderstanding. We see that these expressions refer to people whose reactions are very different from ours.
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Old 08-02-2010, 09:19 AM
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Welcome Suzie.

I want to comment on your husband's attitude. You can't change it, but you could try to help educate him. Alcoholism is a disease. For non-alcoholics who wish to not drink, the advice of "just don't drink" is simple, easy and effective. For an alcoholic who has both physiological and psychological issues regarding alcohol, that advice is not only hard and unrealistic, it is potentially deadly. I would encourage you to learn about the disease, and find ways to educate your husband.

I would also strongly suggest finding support in your community. Online support is great, and for some, the only option. But for the vast majority of people, there are options. These include inpatient treatment centers, outpatient treatment centers, mental health professionals, counselors, and AA meetings.

Having someone to talke to face to face, having someone you can call at any given moment is invaluable in recovery.

I wish you the best and keep posting!
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:32 AM
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I'm sorry you returned to drinking....
and glad you joined with us.

Welcome to our recovery comunity....
Blessings to you and your husban
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Old 08-02-2010, 03:03 PM
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Thanks everyone

Thank you all for your kind comments and helpful advice, I will contribute more to the site tomorrow. I got through today without drinking, but feel totally drained and still mortified by the weekends fiasco so I am going to bed and straight to sleep I hope (it is 2300 hrs here in the uk). NN everyone, god bless
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Old 08-02-2010, 03:11 PM
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My SO is a normie too but I've made an effort to help him understand what alcoholism is for me. It makes me feel better knowing that he doesn't see me as simply lacking in self control or getting blind drunk on purpose.
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Old 08-02-2010, 03:14 PM
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Welcome to SR Suzie
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:07 PM
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Hi Suzie and welcome! I hope you feel better in the morning. Getting through the first couple days is the hardest, so hang in there. If this experience served as a wake-up call, it just might end up being the best thing that's happened to you. I know it's hard right now, but try to focus on you and your sobriety and give yourself a big hug for deciding you don't want to live this way anymore.

I know you'll find a lot of understanding and support here, so keep posting/reading. You're worthy of love and a good life........
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:10 PM
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i hope you sleep tonight suzie.
welcome to sr.i have a day off work tmmrw so i will look out for you on the boards!
i am in scotland but im a yorkshire lass so our times will be the same
there is a solution to your dilemma.
i felt like the biggest piece of cr£p for some of the things i had done whilst in my cups,family embarrasments being one of them.
making amends and gaining trust is a long process but not impossible.
there is good news in recovery and a life infinately better the the h£ll you are experiencing just now.it wasnt that long ago that my life sounded not too far removed from yours but it has been completely turned around.
i look forward to talking to you and welcome again.SR is a fabulous tool in recovery.
today can be the first day of the rest of your life.
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