theuncertainty,
Here is what I feel you "need" to work on:
I *know* I should be happy because the most important person in all of this benefits: our son.
Now all the parents here will probably be ready to hang me or chase me out of town with pitchforks but the most important person here is NOT your son. The most important person here is YOU. YOU are number one and it is your responsibility to look out for number one.
So, these:
I expected him to fall back into the bottle and make it easier for the courts to see all the cr-p DS and I put up with these past 5+ years. I expected him to let me go and focus his manipulative abuse on his GF instead of me, maybe not right now and maybe not within the next few months, but at least somewhere down the road. (Which is a horrible thing to want I know, but I don't want to be the focus of his abuse any more.) They were supremely naive and selfish expectations.
all sound like reasonable expectations to me. But reality says that they apparently are not. The task is to adjust the expectations for your own health. You do not adjust the expectations for the child, you adjust the expectations for YOU. Just like the alcoholic normally is not successful in stopping drinking when he does it for SOMEONE ELSE, we also need to focus our recovery on US.
So, shift your focus. Stop telling yourself, "Oh yes, I SHOULD be happy because this is GREAT for my son." Because that is a LIE--it is NOT great at all. Focus not on what your son needs but what YOU need. Then, ask yourself, "How can I meet MY needs without consideration for anyone else?"