lildawg

LC is totally right about this. Quitting will be a lot easier to stick with if you do it to change your life for the better. Saying, "I can't live like this anymore because I'm destroying my life" is a lot different than saying, "I'm going to quit drinking so my husband will forgive me and come back to me."

The first statement concedes that you realize you've got a problem and that you want to change your lifestyle.

The other statement is an attempt to bargain your way out of an undesirable situation. It's also an attempt to control someone else's behavior.

You can't control someone else's behavior. People are going to do whatever they're going to do. Sometimes things are too far gone for people to forgive you, even when you make amends and promise to never do it again. If you base your decision to quit boozing on your husband choosing to continue a relationship with you, you might be setting yourself up for failure.

Two questions to ask yourself:

1. If your husband decides not to come back to you, even though you quit drinking, how are you going to feel about your sobriety? Do you think you can stay quit?

2. Even if your husband does come back to you, will the seemingly endless grind of sobriety feel worth it in a few months? Or will you be back in the same spot of being bored enough to fool around if the right opportunity presents itself?

(I'm so not trying to be mean. Promiscuity was one of my problems when I was drinking. I completely understand how you got where you are right now.)

When I look back on the things I did when I was drunk and on the ride, I realize it wasn't just the alcohol making me do bad things. Things had gotten all warped inside my head. I was making myself do bad things. The alcohol just lowered my inhibitions and let me do what I wanted to do anyway. When I quit drinking, I had to re-learn how to respect other people and their feelings. I had to re-learn compassion. I had to, for the first time, learn about myself and my triggers. I had to face what made lildawg who she is, and that was some scary stuff.

Gosh, it was a hard journey. And here I am wishing it on you because I want to see you improve your life--forever, not just until your achieve your goal or see that your goal isn't achievable.

My best drinking buddy and I quit drinking within a year of each other. She quit drinking first because she was getting a defibrillator and the doctor told her she had to quit drinking. I quit because I realized I was killing myself and I wanted to live.

Guess which one of us lasted?

I did. I believe I have stayed quit this long because the reasons I quit had to do with me. I wanted to improve my life. I wanted to stop the destructive, sociopathic behavior I engaged in when I was drunk. Yes, the hurt I was causing my loved ones played a big part in my decision to quit, but, in the end, I made the quit about me.

I didn't ever want to wake up again and lay there with my heart pounding and my head throbbing and try to recall who I needed to apologize to from the night before. I wanted to see what I could do with my life, see if I could achieve a lifelong dream. I didn't want to live the life I was living anymore. It was too crazy, and I was physically sick.

If it helps right now to say your goal is to reconcile with your husband, then keep doing it. But while you think your situation over, try to think of some reasons you, the person who is quitting booze, wants to quit. When you find your own reasons, they can serve as positive reinforcement on the hard days. If you're able to get your husband back, that will be an added extra bonus.