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Brand New here. Just ruined my marriage

Old 08-01-2010, 12:31 PM
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Brand New here. Just ruined my marriage

This is the first step to my alcohol recovery. I am going to my first meeting tomorrow night and so scared. I don't want to know anyone. I had issues w/ getting drunk and blacking out. I am a binge drinker is what i think. This weekend I got caught being w/ another guy while my husband was working his butt off out of town. I am so ashamed. I do not blame alcohol. I get depressed, drink and then do stupid stuff that i would never do sober. I hurt my husband and i can't stop crying... all i want to do is sleep and sleep and no one to ever bother me. i think everyone hates me. i think the only first step to starting my life over is to cut out drinking. any opinions?? or suggestions? i no longer talk to the other guy. he was my drinking buddy. my husband does not know if he wants a divorce yet or not. i can't even talk to him face to face because he isn't even here. and he won't let me drive to come see him. thanks for reading and i like this site already for support. i feel i'm slipping into a deep depression because of my bad choices.
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Old 08-01-2010, 12:41 PM
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(((HUGS))) Welcome to SR! The first step in recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Good on you for doing that and for finding a meeting to attend. You haven't done anything that many, many alcoholics haven't done. While you are right not to blame what happened on alcohol, alcohol does mess with our brains and we do make some really bad decisions while drinking.

Perhaps, if your husband sees that you are truly serious about recovery, he will be willing to give things a chance. The thing is, you have to be 100% committed to recovery regardless of what your husband decides. Sure, he's hurt right now and may be angry about what has happened, but don't project what might happen in the future. Just deal with today and set your mind to getting well. Hang in there and once again, welcome to SR!
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Old 08-01-2010, 12:49 PM
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You are so brave for facin up to your problem, good for you. I understand how you can be depressed, alcohol is a depressant and I was horribly depressed when I drank.

I second all that Suki said, and might add that your husband might want to look into al anon.

Good luck and stick with us, this is a good place to be:-)
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:08 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I know how hard it is when we realize we have gone too far. It's understandable that you are feeling depressed right now, but I am glad that you are seeking support here. Try to focus on your recovery and be patient and your husband may see positive changes in you.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:19 PM
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Um, I'm not so sure I'd suggest Al-Anon at this very moment for your husband--let the dust settle from this shock, first.

First things first. It's great that you are going to a meeting tomorrow. Every single one of us was scared and nervous for that first meeting. It's OK to be scared and nervous. I do suggest you let people at the meeting know it's your first meeting. They will probably give you some phone numbers (the women will) so you can call people for support in between the meetings.

Listen to what the people at the meeting have to share. Every one of them felt lower than low when they came in for the first time. With recovery, they have happy lives again--even people who have done far worse things than you while under the influence. Listen to their stories and see how you are alike, not how you are different. We are all a little bit different inside and have had different experiences, but we share a common problem and a common solution.

Take things with your husband a day at a time. You both need some time and space to process what happened. Whether it spells the end of your marriage only time will tell. It does no good to try to figure out how it will all play out right now. The first thing is to get the alcohol out of your system and to start your own recovery--regardless whether he stays or leaves, you still have to live with you.

You can DO this. Lots of us have. We are no better people than you are, and you are just as deserving of a happy life as any of us.

Big hugs of encouragement.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:27 PM
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Hi SB
Welcome here, you've come to the right place for support. Alcohol really does make us do weird stuff... but just recognizing that and taking that first move to stop as you have done is an excellent way of transforming a hopeless situation into a life-changing one. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom to realize it's time to turn the tide. Ask me, I know, because I've been there done that. Anyway, just wanted to wish you well and strength for the road ahead.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:29 PM
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It's good that you admit you've got a problem and that you're taking action. Just remember, you aren't the only person who has ever messed up your marriage [because of addiction]. I did it, too.

You can get to the other side of this situation. Things may not work out the way you hope, but this situation will pass. Yes, right now it is horrible and you feel horrible, but you can survive.

No matter what horror we bring upon ourselves, surviving it is (usually) possible with a little work and perseverance. As long as you're ready to change, you're making a step in the right direction.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:46 PM
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Well, I hate to admit this, but I did the same thing during my first marriage. I got drunk and cheated on my husband. He actually forgave me, but I realized that I didn't want to be in the marriage. He wanted me to be sober, but I wasn't ready to be sober. Wow, was I selfish.

Frankly, I don't blame the alcohol, but I do blame being an alcoholic for cheating. I used to say that I was a "binge drinker" too because it seemed like I could just limit my drinking to the weekend. I would, of course, drink excessively and wipe my good judgment completely out. Then, I started drinking more frequently. It seems like it is an aspect of addiction to keep pushing the envelope with more. I had heard that, but never thought that it would happen to me. When I think back to how many stupid and dangerous situations that I put myself in because I was drunk, I am happy to still be alive. When I think of how many people I hurt, including myself, because I was totally drunk, I just think that that has to be motivation for being sober.

I would say that maybe don't think of it as getting sober to try to get your husband back, but getting sober because you need to be well to be happy, make good decisions and maintain a healthy relationship. If you do it for him and not for yourself, then you might not feel like you are holding the reigns of your own life. You might actually resent him for wanting you to be sober, and that just spirals into more negative feelings and cyclical drinking to escape. I have only been sober for thirteen days, but it is already worth every one of them. I too suffer from depression, and also anxiety, but am already feeling better because I am not "pickling" my poor brain with alcohol. I can focus on being me and not being drunk. Also, don't forget to focus on what it is that makes you a wonderful person. Sounds crazy, but getting sober for me at least is for helping that wonderful person that still exists inside of me. So don't forget that she's still inside of you too.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:53 PM
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SB - First of all to SR

I could not help but have a major flashback of the same thing that happened to me many years ago. But this was with my BF's best friend at our house and my BF witnessed it!!!! Oh yea, the good ol boy brought over a jug of something, we got trashed and the rest was a disaster after I got sh*t faced and he took advantage of me. I felt absolutely horrible since those two guys didn't speak to each other for a long time because of this sleazy incident. Nonetheless, within time things smoothed out. So I know exactly what you are going through.

So SB, it is not the end of the world and you can change yourself beginning with the AA meetings and coming back here for more than enough support. Yes, your first meeting is scary, not knowing what to expect. But you don't have to be a speaker or anything like that, so just be yourself and get close to some of the women there. Trust me, you'll feel so much better getting this off your chest.

I am confident that your husband will forgive you as long as you make that step to quit drinking. You have to be committed to stop drinking since that seems to get US in trouble when we least expect it.

Good luck Dear and keep us posted.
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Old 08-01-2010, 01:54 PM
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Do not be afraid, you are admitting that you need help. We are all here because we want to change our choices. Support is always here!
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Old 08-01-2010, 02:02 PM
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1st of all, this is A HONEST PROGRAM, and congrats on doing that...second to SR family...read and read some more and then go to meetings and more meetings...if you really want this (IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
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Old 08-01-2010, 02:15 PM
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Welcome SB

most of us here dug ourselves a huge hole - and we got out....inch by inch - you can too

The first and most important step is putting down the drink. You find a lot of support, help and ideas here

Welcome to SR

D
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Old 08-01-2010, 02:56 PM
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WOW... now thats what I call support! thanks you each and every person who replied. Not one person made me feel ashamed. I am definitley looking forward to having support, reading for motivation and providing support for others at this site. I know I can quit drinking to get my husband back. I just have to put my words into action which is probably 100x times harder. I quit drinking one time for 3 months. I got pregnant (i have infertility problems too), then i had a miscarriage which really got me back into drinking, then i had had my third knee surgery which i gained 20 lbs... and got depressed and boozed it up some more. so i'm really looking forward to having friends to lean on during this rough time. take care everyone.
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Old 08-01-2010, 03:05 PM
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Just one thing, SB, "quitting drinking to get your husband back" isn't likely to stick. What if he doesn't come back? Are you going to just go on with your blackout drinking until something even worse happens?

Make this about YOU, not him, not the marriage. Even if your husband never found out about what you did, it doesn't sound like this is the kind of life you want for yourself.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 08-01-2010, 03:56 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Just one thing, SB, "quitting drinking to get your husband back" isn't likely to stick. What if he doesn't come back? Are you going to just go on with your blackout drinking until something even worse happens?

Make this about YOU, not him, not the marriage. Even if your husband never found out about what you did, it doesn't sound like this is the kind of life you want for yourself.

Wishing you the best.
LC is totally right about this. Quitting will be a lot easier to stick with if you do it to change your life for the better. Saying, "I can't live like this anymore because I'm destroying my life" is a lot different than saying, "I'm going to quit drinking so my husband will forgive me and come back to me."

The first statement concedes that you realize you've got a problem and that you want to change your lifestyle.

The other statement is an attempt to bargain your way out of an undesirable situation. It's also an attempt to control someone else's behavior.

You can't control someone else's behavior. People are going to do whatever they're going to do. Sometimes things are too far gone for people to forgive you, even when you make amends and promise to never do it again. If you base your decision to quit boozing on your husband choosing to continue a relationship with you, you might be setting yourself up for failure.

Two questions to ask yourself:

1. If your husband decides not to come back to you, even though you quit drinking, how are you going to feel about your sobriety? Do you think you can stay quit?

2. Even if your husband does come back to you, will the seemingly endless grind of sobriety feel worth it in a few months? Or will you be back in the same spot of being bored enough to fool around if the right opportunity presents itself?

(I'm so not trying to be mean. Promiscuity was one of my problems when I was drinking. I completely understand how you got where you are right now.)

When I look back on the things I did when I was drunk and on the ride, I realize it wasn't just the alcohol making me do bad things. Things had gotten all warped inside my head. I was making myself do bad things. The alcohol just lowered my inhibitions and let me do what I wanted to do anyway. When I quit drinking, I had to re-learn how to respect other people and their feelings. I had to re-learn compassion. I had to, for the first time, learn about myself and my triggers. I had to face what made lildawg who she is, and that was some scary stuff.

Gosh, it was a hard journey. And here I am wishing it on you because I want to see you improve your life--forever, not just until your achieve your goal or see that your goal isn't achievable.

My best drinking buddy and I quit drinking within a year of each other. She quit drinking first because she was getting a defibrillator and the doctor told her she had to quit drinking. I quit because I realized I was killing myself and I wanted to live.

Guess which one of us lasted?

I did. I believe I have stayed quit this long because the reasons I quit had to do with me. I wanted to improve my life. I wanted to stop the destructive, sociopathic behavior I engaged in when I was drunk. Yes, the hurt I was causing my loved ones played a big part in my decision to quit, but, in the end, I made the quit about me.

I didn't ever want to wake up again and lay there with my heart pounding and my head throbbing and try to recall who I needed to apologize to from the night before. I wanted to see what I could do with my life, see if I could achieve a lifelong dream. I didn't want to live the life I was living anymore. It was too crazy, and I was physically sick.

If it helps right now to say your goal is to reconcile with your husband, then keep doing it. But while you think your situation over, try to think of some reasons you, the person who is quitting booze, wants to quit. When you find your own reasons, they can serve as positive reinforcement on the hard days. If you're able to get your husband back, that will be an added extra bonus.
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:06 PM
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Hi SB and welcome! Be proud of yourself that you want change in your life. It's not easy to do, especially when there's alot of emotional trama going on, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself, regardless of what happens in your marriage.

Drinking always led me to do/say things I wouldn't normally do or say, and when I was younger, I had unintended physical relationships as well when I drank. It takes away our inhibitions, which may feel good at the time, but looks differently in the light of day.

You'll find AA is alot like coming here - people know exactly where you're coming from and are all doing the best they can to stay sober and make life positive again. It's like group therapy, and you don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Hope you'll post again and let us know how things go!
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:13 PM
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Welcome to SR! I truley understand your situation, been there done that.
There is not much you can do about the past, You CAN however do something about your future!
As someone else noted "Bad choices caused by alcohol. I think you need to blame the alcohol. Take a good look at what happens when you drink from your own words".
and "If drinking causes problems for you, then stopping drinking seems to make sense."
At this point I think the only way your husband is going to know you are serious is if you stop drinking! It will take some time for the hurt and bitterness to go away, but it will if you convince him you mean what you say(prove to him) I am praying you will find the way to mend your marriage back together. It sounds like it is worth the effort!..........Lucke
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:15 PM
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welcome like the others I can say that I did horrible stupid things while drunk. Youve taken the first step to get help well done All the great advice has already been said like going to AA . Its going to be a hard road ahead but oh so worth it as you start to like your self again!! All the very very very best xx
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:59 PM
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SB - I was a binge drinker also. If you read my previous posts, my husband offered me money to move out of the house.... telling me that he didn't love me & was no longer attracted to me. This didn't stop me. It actually had to get horribly worse than that for me to stop. I called it quites almost three months ago. My husband sees that I am trying & things are getting better. You have to really really want this!! I would never want to see anybody where I was three months ago....it was downright horrific

I hope that he can see that you are trying & find it in his heart to forgive you. Good luck at your meeting & of course:
WELCOME TO SR!!!! This place rocks!!
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Old 08-01-2010, 07:15 PM
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Thanks again SR! I have to want this. i do want to get healthy and not drink. I want this for me!!! I'm always trying to be a people pleaser.... so this is all about me. Whether me and my husband decide the marriage can't go on. I need to stay sober. If I end up single and drinking... i could probably end up in a lot worse situations. So i want to stay sober. I go tomorrow night to AA. I am scared, but ready to change. thanks guys. good night.
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