I wrote this post and then almost didn't post it. I hope it isn't taken the wrong way. We alcoholics don't deserve you. My intention of this post is to help you understand our thinking a bit more. ----
Hi All -
I am a recovering alcoholic. My thinking is broken.
My alcoholic brain tells me that:
1- The world revolves around me
2- It is everyone else's fault
3- I'm not really an alcoholic (the last time wasn't so bad)
So, we need recovery to change our thinking. Early in recovery, frankly, we need others who have recovered to think for us, as we are incapable of overcoming the alcoholic thinking. This is where programs like AA help a lot.
Recovery changes our thinking to:
1- A lot of what happens in life is out of my control, and I shouldn't try to control it
2- I can only control myself, and I need to focus on my own actions and when I am wrong I can only "clean up my side of the street"
3- I am alcoholic and cannot drink.
4- I need to work on the problems for which alcohol was my solution.
5- I should think about others before I think about myself.
So yes, most of our early thinking is about us. It takes a while to get to #5 above. This may sound selfish, but in reality, it is often the first time that we have truly taken responsibility for ourselves in a long time. We have to start there. As we progress in recovery, we will begin to make amends to those we have harmed, but we can't get sober for someone else. It just doesn't work.
But, you also don't have to wait around for us to go through this. We must accept that we have hurt you and accept whatever happens.
I'm not trying to defend alcoholics in any way. I usually tell most people in posts to leave us, unless we are actively working a program of recovery. The key is "actively" working which to me will show up as:
- honesty with ourselves and you about everything
- tolerance of other people and ideas
- willingness to try anything to maintain our sobriety
- taking specific action to work on our problems (usually fear, anxiety, anger, depression, self-loathing)
- open-mindedness to listen
- and, not drinking, never, ever. No excuses.
For me, this is a combination of SR + AA + Working with other alcoholics. I do something for my recovery every single day. And even with all this, I am just one drink away from being back where I was.
I am sorry that we treat you all so badly. You deserve more.