Hey love,
Funny how a glorious afternoon could bring on the "urge", especially when you know that the wonderful moment would turn into if you allowed yourself that glass of wine! Good for you that you were true to yourself!
Yea!
The last time I had a "moment" was a few weeks ago... was at the doctors having a fibroscan done... needed for my HCV status to see how badly my liver is damaged (much less invasive than a biopsy). Well, the nice Doc told me "hey for all the abuse (between the alcohol and the HepC) your liver isn't too bad". You know rather than being grateful that I didn't have cirrhosis or liver cancer my first thought went to "oh, maybe I coulda drank a little longer". It was only a split seconds thought, but I was so shook up that when I left the appointment I sat outside in the waiting room for a while and thought about that split second thought. I was shocked and angry at myself. I felt like a fool. I was ashamed of myself. I took those few minutes to really think about that thought.
What did it mean, where did it come from? I have come to the conclusion that, although being one of the lucky ones and not having suffered too much these last 4 months from triggers or wanting/needing a drink the damn b*stard is still in there and will pop out and try to take control when I least expect it! I was becoming a little complacent, but it won't happen again. My guard will always be up. I have been humbled....
I walked back to my car thinking the whole way "you stupid b*tch" and just kept repeating those words to myself. For me, with my HCV, a drink really does mean the difference between life and death.
It took me a few days to calm down about this, brought me back to SR. I have been granted more than once a reprieve from death. I have been lucky and I promise myself to be grateful for this.
Sorry for going on like this.... it just sorta all "came out"
