Hey wonderful crew.
So, this summer has been good.
I have felt good.
I have gone around and around with AH until finally I was sick of it.
I told him last week (again, but this time he heard it) that I wasn't coming home. That I was applying for permanent jobs elsewhere and until something shifted with him or life, I didn't see that we could do anymore.
I didn't talk divorce. I told him I wasn't pleased with the choice, but it was the best choice for me given the circumstance.
He finally got it.
He cried.
He then, over the next few days, started talking counseling.
He researched some we could go to.
He said he'd go.
Now, he also is still nickle and diming me about it (meaning he has said numerous times, "You know, I never said I
wouldn't go..."). This comes from him going once, months ago, after I said I thought I was done then. In the session, when the therapist asked, "Is there anything you are not comfortable talking to your wife about?" He answered, "No." The therapist followed up, "Not anything?" "Nope". And there I sat like a fool thinking, "Oh, look! He's turning over a new leaf!" (We fought on the way home when he shut down about something.)
So after that, he hated the therapist, he hated therapy, thought it was useless, didn't trust the particular therapist or any in general, had specific complaints about the therapist and then was busy for the next two weeks.
I was so pissed, I said scr*w it! I'll go on my own, because I don't need your b.s. And I did.
Now he says I wouldn't LET him go and I'm turning it around on him trying to imply he said he wouldn't go.
He has even said if we went to a different therapist, he doesn't think he would
eventually let down his defenses.
Recently, I brought up his reply to the therapist and he said (at first) that maybe that was not totally correct, but then later in the conversation he said he couldn't remember the question OR his answer (!), but if he did say what I remember, then he MIS-SPOKE. Seriously? I said, "I'm sorry, but you were full of $h1t. (C'mon!) So, now he's mad that I am making him out to be a liar when that's not his INTENT. I said it comes across as a lie, regardless of his intent. He says I am going to leave him over meaningless semantics. This is what I mean by nickle and diming me.
So don't tell me you never said you wouldn't go! That's just semantical rediculousness. For all intents and purposes...GRRR!
And yet...
So I talked to two of my friends (instead of checking in with myself?) and they both said, "Give him a chance. He's willing to go. Isn't that what you asked for? You can't expect him to make emotional changes right away. Isn't that what therapy is for? Don't you owe him at least to try? Blah blah blah" and I turn around and tell him, "Okay, I'll come home and try it. But I am afraid the same thing is going to happen where I come all the way home and then you decide you hate it. And I don't feel confident because you have already said you wouldn't let down your defenses. I don't just want a warm body."
Well now he is hurt. He feels like I am questioning everything he says or does (I guess I am...rightfully so...) and my love is gone (its getting there...).
He's mad that I am not letting go of that one comment in the therapist's office. He says I won't let go of anything (which is pretty much true because it seems foolhardy to let go of these things when they are still festering, in my opinion). (I can hear you saying, "Walk away!")
He says he gets the feeling the rest of his life will be under a shroud of suspicion and disbelief where he will have to perpetually prove himself and I will be perpetually on the lookout for his next mistake. That everything he says is ammunition and he doesn't want to say anything or what he says will somehow prove (in his words) that he is a "big fat liar and a bad partner."
For me, if the fundamental issues aren't ever acknowldeged by him and there is no movement for change...I guess I would be perpetually mistrusting (again, I think, rightfully so)
In the end of his email he said, "So to answer your question about therapy as honestly as I can yes I probably will hate the therapist and will find it hard to open up to a stranger. But I am willing to engage in the process as best I can, but I don't feel confident that is enough for you." (which killed me and made me feel like a big jerk).
I had a dream after I told him I'd come back for therapy where I was standing (almost falling in and trying not to) over a deep black pit. I was screaming and screaming at the pit.
Not-so-secret dream messages, anyone?
I can hear anvil already saying, "Will you leave this guy alone already??!?"
Is it just all quacking? I mean, he hasn't shifted a whit on what is a problem or needs resolution, just on tactics.
A little voice says I am getting what I want and its still not enough (aka I have a problem of being unfair).
Another voice says all this drama and confusion is message enough to walk away...
Still afraid to walk away when he offers the smallest of crumbs...
Also feeling SO war weary at this point, the idea of going home just makes me tired.
Another friend said she thought I should renig and suggest HE go to therapy alone and if he did and made progress, I could reconsider going home. #1 I don't think he EVER would and #2, isn't that me managing HIS side of the street?
Help?
Thanks,
Peace