Believe me, I know what it's like to want answers, to want to understand.
After a certain point, all the analyzing and questioning was my way to avoid working through all the pain and facing reality.
Recovery isn't for everyone. There are a lot of people who need recovery who don't want it. There are a lot of people who eventually decide they don't want to do the work once they are in recovery for awhile.
Recovery isn't for pansies.
I've been through more heartache, more crisis, and some fairly significant health issues (including major surgeries) in recovery than I ever had in active addiction.
The fact was and is, I want to stay clean/sober, regardless of what the world might look like today.
As for cheating, that's a deal-breaker for me.
My EXAH was a cheater, and I married him anyway.
Cheating is cheating, addiction or not.
Please get yourself to some Alanon or Naranon meetings. Start the healing process for yourself.
I ignored my codependency issues for 13 years after I first got clean/sober, and the result of that was a lot of pain.