letter to my SO

Old 07-27-2010, 06:55 PM
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letter to my SO

You came into my world at 3years clean. In our first conversation you told me you were a recovered addict and as we spoke you explained to me that you had threw away 5years of your life to crack. As time progressed I learned more storries about your past and all the struggles you had gone through to make it to where you are today. You deep involvement with community service and the drug court program gave me strength and faith in your resolve to not only change your life but the way you look at life.
As time passed we got to know each other better, spent more time together and fell in love. Between us and our 4 children we began towards a new life together. You lit up my world. You loved my children like your own. You made me feel smart, beautiful, wanted and loved in a way no man ever has before. I thanked the lord for sending you into my life.
Then one day things started to change. Gone were the days where I felt appreciated. Gone where the days where you'd stare into my eyes and tell me how much you loved me and how you wanted to marry me. Gone was your trust. Gone was your faith. Gone was your refusal to argue in front of the children, let alone all out yelling and insulting me in front of them. Gone were you from our bed at all hours of the night. Gone... was the man I fell in love with. Instead, before me stood an angry, Moody, paranoid man. Gone with the love was our money. It kept going out and your reasons appeared on the level, but only at the surface. But I continued to put my faith, love and trust in you as much as I could.
Then one day, I come home to take you to work and find you on the phone with drug court arguing about probation and conditional discharge terms. What I overhear from the other end of the line is a serious tone "you're sounding really nervous for some reason". I wait as you secluded yourself from me to talk in a more hushed reverent tone. Which is when I overheard the words I hopped never to come from your mouth "I relapsed." You proceed with your conversation "a month ago..... yes I've been using since." Suddenly the world makes So much more sense.
I take you to your **** test, which of course come up dirty. The judge is out for the weekend and you get to go home with me. I spend the next two days scared to death your going to jail and mentally understanding every lie from the past month. On Monday I go to work late to accompany your drug court councillor and somehow God provides us with the good graces to let you stay with us till Wednesday when you are to return before the drug court judge. My heart sits in my throat for a few more days. The reality of the situation weighs heavy on us both. Revocation of your probation seems extreme but its a possibility we must prepare for... well you prepare for. I... can do nothing but cry if I imagine that happening... I'm just going to try and be realistic... a couple months in jail is what I expect.
Monday morning it took all I had to maintain any composure as I finished bathing my client. My eyes stayed at the brink of overflowing with tears as your words resounded in my heard "they revoked me babe. Please don't hate me. Promise to stay in contact. I love you more than you know."
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
The words beating in rhythm with my heart
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
How? Why? For what reason? I know it was a probation violation but the probation wasn't drug related. It was a non violent crime and he's been 100% complain for 4 yrs.. I Know relapse is real bad, but couldn't they give You some jail time, make you pee test regularly again, more IOP, something?... Anything?... I mean... I just... surely they wont send you back to jail for 3-5 years over this One thing...
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
My mind tried to remind my heart that the actual revocation hearing isn't till the 26th of August and that they might not completely Revoked his probation that day... but then my heart reminds my mind that last we refused to admit the possibility of the worst, that is just what happened. My hearts sinks into a hole in my chest... I may have just lost you...
Over the course of the next week I yearn for you badly But try to stay strong. I work in tandem with your mother to clean up everything that was left hanging when you want to jail, but the further we delve, the angrier I become. My discoveries in this past week prove exactly what a mastly little dirt trail you left. In one months time you:
-sucked almost $1200 down your crack pipe ( I didn't realize that much money had gone missing till I calculated all you unexpected plainest withdrawals)
-you lied about going to work (when you didn't have to work) so you could get high.
-you lied about going to work (when you were supposed to be there) and no call/no showed so you could get high.
-you lied about paying a ticket bqfore And after I knew you were using.
-you went out and got high on my birthday after ignoring me most of the day (oh yes, that detailed billing on the cell phones finally proved handy).
-you apparently tried Very diligently to steal money off my credit card.
-you sat up late at night texting some girl I've never heard of.
-you regularily accused me of lying cheating and otherwise wronging you in a variety of ways and for a variety of ridiculous reasons. (ALL of which were 100% untrue)
-you overdrafted my account to get drug money, mounting non NSF fees to the point where I basically worked an entire week for free.
-you convinced me to ask my mom for money "to help us since we're having financial trouble", only to turn around and take from that money again for drugs.
-after going out and getting high the night of my birthday you came home and called not one,not two, but Four seperate single/dirty talk type chat lines for a total of one and a half hours.
-you convinced me to ask my friend of 13years to let us buy a car from him 'on personal friend credit' So we could make payments to them (since we just couldn't seem to straighten our finances enough to save to buy you a car) Knowing Full and Well we could never have pay red cent back to them because EVERYTHING we had you were spending on crack. Thereby nearly jeopardizing my long time friendship with my unwhitting lie that we were good for the money.
-you caused me to get utilities shut off then yelled at me for not paying the bills.
*basically, in one month, you became exactly what i didnt want in a relationship. A man that perpetually lies, steals, hurts and manipulates me. A man... that is someone completely different than who I used to see when I looked in your eyes.

In responses to out last conversation (you are Very welcome by the way for all $40 worth of phone cards so you can call me from jail):
-no I was Not looking for a reason to break up with you.
-no I do not believe that someone from work used your phone for 98minutes to call singles chat lines at 730am (especially since you didn't go to work till 1230pm that day When I Drove You There.
-no I am not projecting (but you are)
-no I do not think it is OK you have a female friend, that I've never heard of, that you been talking to at all hours of the night, during the last month, instead of coming to bed, that drove you home when I worked late.
-YES I DO FIND IT VERY FING SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU BOTH GIVE ME A DIFFERENT STORY WHILE CLAIMING YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS.
-fu ck me?! You don't want me to write you or send you more phone cards?! You're done With Me?! .... PLEASE tell me what the **** I did wrong here!!

Through all this I have been amazingly supportive! Through all this I have stood by your side! Through all this, aside from asking questions, I've yet to say One mean or hurtful thing about what you've done. I've even vowed to continue standing by four side as we await your fair. And then, I finally uncover enough of your BS and lies from the last month that I bluntly and honestly begin to ask you WTH is up with this stuff and suddenly I'm wrong. I'm a jerk. I'm not wanting you. I'm somehow 'bad or wrong' because I don't trust you. Well Fu ck! Would you trust you right now??!! After everything THAT is what I get from you??!! You wanna break me?! FINE, consider me broke! I wont be sending your ass a damn thing till I hear an appology! Then and only then might you get anythinng from me.

You know what though... I still miss you with every beat of my heart. I still wonder after everything you accomplished in over 3yrs of sobriety, and everything we had together, why you went out that first time to get high? What made the risk of loosing everything worth it? When I met you, You told me that if you ever wanna get high you just remember that thinking you could handle One hit off a crack pipe stole 5 years of your life. What made you ignore it this time?? What made you leave our bed and take the risk to loose everything?? What made you think you couldn't talk to me about the urge Before you acted upon it?? Me, your mom, your sponsor, your drug court councilors, Anyone?? WHY?? WHY didn't you talk to Someone before you left this house that night with the intent to get high?? Help me understand.. please, I'm begging you, how were you so OK to potentially let it all go after so many years of so rusty?? I wish I could understand what you've went through..
I wish even more... that when my daughter cries and asks why you aren't home... that my answer of "oh, just working" were true...
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:50 PM
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You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

You are not powerful enough to send him back to the pipe just as you have no power to keep him off it.

It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

No one can continue to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate us unless we let them do so. I cannot imagine reestablishing trust after all that came before. I could not imagine someone like this in the same house with my children. That's me. Only you can decide your own bottom with all of this.

That you are sending him calling cards and writing letters intended to compel him to snap out of it and become the man you thought he was is codependency 101. The root of all codependencyis ego and a belief that we have control over other people. Everything else is rationalization
(excuse).

Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No more by Melody Beatie. It's at your loacal library and used on Amazon. It has the power to help you change your life.
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:54 PM
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This letter will be read by no one except the members of this forum.
my children, my family, my friends, all think he's been working 3rds for the past week. I've no one to talk to about this besides his mother. After that Congo last night, and everything I've discovered this past week, I've been asking myself that exact question. I feel 100 emotions a day. I feel lost more than anything. Heart break and heart ach I've known all too well in my time... but this is different in so many ways. I border sometimes between the brink of tears and numbness. I don't yet know how to cope with this.... so I came to find a place where others might understand what I'm going through.
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Old 07-27-2010, 07:59 PM
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It's great to hear that you were only venting.

This is Venting Headquarters.

There are many stickies at the top of this forum that make it clear we have all been or are where you are, right now. And it absolutely sucks.

Have you considered being honest about his whereabouts. Covering for someone else is just another one of those symptoms of codependency.
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Old 07-27-2010, 08:19 PM
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I'm just simply not ready to talk to Any of my family and friends about this. I've barely begun to wrap my own head around it.


What I want is what I will never get. The answer to my questions at the end of my post... I'll accept that once the addiction took over, it is what its expexctwd to be. But the first time he went out.... Why? That's part of what drives me nuts... well over 3 F'n years clean and he made the Very sober choice to go out that first time. We became au h a happy family. So many things were going good for him. Why? Why?? I keep telling myself that its an answer I can't have and tow stop frying my brain and let it go.... but its the question I think 100 times a day whether I want to or not.
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Old 07-27-2010, 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamBelever View Post
This letter will be read by no one except the members of this forum.
my children, my family, my friends, all think he's been working 3rds for the past week. I've no one to talk to about this besides his mother. After that Congo last night, and everything I've discovered this past week, I've been asking myself that exact question. I feel 100 emotions a day. I feel lost more than anything. Heart break and heart ach I've known all too well in my time... but this is different in so many ways. I border sometimes between the brink of tears and numbness. I don't yet know how to cope with this.... so I came to find a place where others might understand what I'm going through.


It's great that you wrote this and decided to get it out. Writing your feelings is very healthy and healing. Usually when an addict relapses he thinks he can use one time without anyone knowing. And then ofcourse he is an addict so it doesn't work that way. The reason why is the Addiction. He has that addicted brain. You and I both know the relapse happens long before he put the pipe in his mouth. His addiction has nothing to do with you. It's all about him. I'm sorry that your so hurt and worried. These are the chances we take when we love our addicts.

:ghug3
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:11 PM
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DayDreamBelever, welcome to SR.

Writing letters has been very therapeutic over the years for me in my recovery.

Every single one of them has not be sent to the potential recipient. Sometimes I share the letters with my sponsor.

Please look for Alanon or Naranon meetings to attend in your area. There you will find face-to-face support from those who understand.

I second the suggestion by outtolunch to get a copy of "Codependent No More."

I will also tell you that I have been around the rooms of recovery since 1986, and the vast majority of those who are staying clean/sober because they are currently in the court system usually don't stick with it once they are off of paper.

We have one fellow at my home group who stuck around after he met his court requirements, and he's an absolute delight. He has 4 years sober now. He's one of the rare ones.

Addiction is unforgiving. It will suck the life out of you, and you don't even have to be the one using drugs.

My EXAH died a few years ago, complications due to AIDS, related directly to his drug use.

I was incredibly blessed to walk away from that marriage alive.

Give this man the dignity to experience the consequences of his choices.

He will chew you up and spit you out if you don't.

I have a 32 year old addict daughter, and I can guarantee you I don't make jail visits, send calling cards, visit her, or put money on the books for her when she's incarcerated. I don't cushion her falls.

She is free to live her life as she sees fit.

My life is full and reasonably happy in spite of how she lives hers.
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Old 07-28-2010, 07:12 AM
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Your letter made me think of journaling and how theraputic it can be. I hope that you will keep your letter somewhere.....in a journal perhaps or in a folder on your computer? Or here on SR.

I find it very helpful to review some of the "letters" I've written but never sent. It reminds me of how I felt at that time and gives me perspective on how I feel now. It also helps when I find myself falling into those old patterns of behavior that aren't healthy for me (or the addict in my life for that matter;-).

Addicts aren't the only ones who relapse......codependents do too.

gentle hugs to you.....this is hard but I have faith that you'll work through it.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this.

You are not powerful enough to send him back to the pipe just as you have no power to keep him off it.

It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

No one can continue to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate us unless we let them do so. I cannot imagine reestablishing trust after all that came before. I could not imagine someone like this in the same house with my children. That's me. Only you can decide your own bottom with all of this.

That you are sending him calling cards and writing letters intended to compel him to snap out of it and become the man you thought he was is codependency 101. The root of all codependencyis ego and a belief that we have control over other people. Everything else is rationalization
(excuse).

Consider picking up a copy of Codependent No more by Melody Beatie. It's at your loacal library and used on Amazon. It has the power to help you change your life.
I. Was thinking about this post last night and this morning. Its not that I am trying to get him to 'snap out of it' or see reason or anything like that. Where I come from is a person that lived with and loved a sober man for a long time before relapse. As completely wrong crappy and hurtful the events of the past month are, i know those things didn't come from the man I fell in love with. I know those things came from the addicted man. I suppose my words and actions are meant to speak to the man in him that I love and not the addict. I've read info about codependancy, and its not about that. Its about trying to talk to and understand what happened to the man he was before he let the addiction back in..... up until relapse a month ago, he was never this man.... up until a week ago, I had no answers for What was happening....
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:43 AM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamBelever View Post
I suppose my words and actions are meant to speak to the man in him that I love and not the addict. I've read info about codependancy, and its not about that. Its about trying to talk to and understand what happened to the man he was before he let the addiction back in..... up until relapse a month ago, he was never this man.... up until a week ago, I had no answers for What was happening....
I'm not just a recovering codependent. I'm also a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic.

He is an addict, and always will be. It is a part of who he is.

I am an addict and always will be, but hopefully one who continues the journey of recovery. However, addiction doesn't define me. Being an addict is just one small part of the sum of who I am.

Should I make the conscious choice to return to active addiction, then I will become that self-centered, manipulative, lying, cheating addict. That will become the total sum of who I am.

He didn't just decide to relapse out of the blue.

It happens long before that drug is picked up.

I speak from experience because I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober.

He may have kept up a good facade with you until the point he relapsed, but he was working his way towards it in his mind.

Addiction makes no sense. I understand that you want answers. You may never get all the answers.

When I relapsed, I was no longer that person everyone knew the 4 years before.

I also wasn't the same person after I got clean/sober again.
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Old 07-28-2010, 10:58 AM
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DayDreamBeliever, thank you for posting your letter. It was very touching and I hope you got some relief writing all of that down.

I'm new to SR and dealing with my boyfriend who has already relapsed 1 week out of rehab. He claims he hasn't used, but it's like Angelic17 said "you & I both know the relapse happens long before he puts in the pipe in his mouth." My boyfriend went from loving the idea of recovery and being very open & communicative to lying and being an emotional manipulator in a matter of about 10 days.

Anyway, Daydream, I just wanted to say that while I don't have children or bills with my man, he has been a part of my life for 11 years and so this is very painful to me. The person that I loved (who always had a sh*t-ton of problems, actually, but who was sweet) is gone. Absolutely gone. It is a really terrible feeling. I have been crying like a baby - uncontrollably and with snot running down my face.

I'm definitely codependent. I don't know if you are. But I understand why you are angry and hurt. And I think it is really confusing. . . I mean why do WE have to take a look at ourselves when someone else is so cleary f*cked up?!? Why do WE have to not expect an apology? Why do WE have to let go of all the hurt and pain and not have it made RIGHT??? It is so g.d. unfair.

But I guess it is the only way. I haven't wrapped my head around it at all, but I know that I have to keep going toward the light. . . and the light is me taking care of me, working on myself, being the most honest person I can be.

Of course I say this having spent all morning trying to breathe through the fantasies running through my brain of my bf apologizing and making up to me and giving me the birthday present he claims he bought me last week and that's why all his money is gone. I don't really have all the tools yet to deal with my monstrous mind, but I'm working on getting them.

But I just wanted to say that I understand your frustration, anger, and sadness. You do deserve a big apology and for everything to be made better! But I think the reality of things is that a lot of people that we love are not capable of giving us what we want and need. And that's the reality that has to be dealt with. It is absolutely not fair, especially when someone makes promises and says they are going to be your partner in life. I getting stuck on the thought, "Does my recovery and learning to take care of me mean that I can never fully trust another human being again?" But maybe it's too far down the line to think of that.

You see, I don't have any answers, I am struggling too. But maybe knowing that someone else is going through something similar and doesn't have it figured out either, but is here - on SR - and is trying. . maybe that can give a little comfort, I don't know.

At any rate, thank you for this thread. It has helped me a lot today.
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Old 07-28-2010, 11:23 AM
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Freedom, my mind refuses to give me a break, it keeps demanding answers....
Happened before he got high when?
2 months ago when he quit going to meetings?
3 months ago when he graduated the drug court program?
8 moths ago when his cousin(also a recovering addict) killed herself in jail?
Or should I go way back to when he started recovery and never told his councilors he has BiPolar?
what happens that triggers the downfall well before it comes to fruition?
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:00 PM
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While I was attending meetings, I was just sitting there paying lip service.

I eventually stopped going to meetings.

I stopped doing all the things I had previously done to stay clean/sober.

It's said that an addict is already loaded in their head 3 months before they use again.

That was true for me.

I find it telling that it was 3 months ago he graduated the court drug program, and then quit meetings a month after that.

As I said in my prior post, the lion's share of folks out there doing court-ordered recovery stuff have no interest in continuing recovery once they are off of paper.

I've seen it happen over and over the past 24 years.

There is no rhyme or reason to why he chose to pick up and use again. The fact is that he did.

There is no excuse. He made the choice.

It's your choice what you want for the rest of your life.

Don't hinge your reality and your future off of him, please.

When I relapsed, I was involved with someone in recovery, and he relapsed after 2 years.

It didn't take me long to follow.

Instead of working through the pain, letting him go, and continuing on with my recovery, I chose to pick up and use again.

I will never ever hinge my reality and my future off of someone else.

My recovery is precious to me, and so is my self-esteem and dignity.

:ghug3
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:27 PM
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He had just become president of the drug court alumni because he Chose to run. He was in the program because he Wanted to be. Sigh... I'm just talking in circles right? Cuz its all a moot point at this juncture... my heart and my mind don't always agree about when to stop analyzing and agonizing over something.

Know the other thing I still really wish I had an answer for? The unfaithfulness. If I'm to believe all I've read about how an addiction thinks about themselves and their high and that's basically it... where does being unfaithful come in. Even his mom (who knows all his secrets) says he's inverse been a cheater. I suppose its possible he was before we met, but honestly.... in all the stuff I've dug through (and that's a ton) uncovering lies... I've yet to find any indication that anything remotely unfaithful happened before he started using.
Lying, stealing, manipulating... all go hand in Hans with addicts... so how and why does cheating magically fit in there?
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Old 07-28-2010, 01:47 PM
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Believe me, I know what it's like to want answers, to want to understand.

After a certain point, all the analyzing and questioning was my way to avoid working through all the pain and facing reality.

Recovery isn't for everyone. There are a lot of people who need recovery who don't want it. There are a lot of people who eventually decide they don't want to do the work once they are in recovery for awhile.

Recovery isn't for pansies.

I've been through more heartache, more crisis, and some fairly significant health issues (including major surgeries) in recovery than I ever had in active addiction.

The fact was and is, I want to stay clean/sober, regardless of what the world might look like today.

As for cheating, that's a deal-breaker for me.

My EXAH was a cheater, and I married him anyway.

Cheating is cheating, addiction or not.

Please get yourself to some Alanon or Naranon meetings. Start the healing process for yourself.

I ignored my codependency issues for 13 years after I first got clean/sober, and the result of that was a lot of pain.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:14 PM
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Daydream, You ask why the unfaithfullness, and you keep wondering about that. Most addicts are big time liars. They lie for no reason sometimes. It comes with the disease. It's a very common feature that goes right along with the addiction. Addiction is a very selfish disease. And lying is a very big part of it. You need to let it go, and give it over to your higher power. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this rough blow, but Freedom is right. Cheating is cheating, and don't take that on to yourself. That's about him, not you. So let it go, and hopefully love or no love, you can let him go. You cannot love someone that doesn't love themselves. It won't work. Because if he doesn't love himself, he can't love you. Sorry.
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:31 PM
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Sorry for your heartbreak, BUT you are lucky he is gone. You can't realize it now, but think about your children. Keep them from him. Your heart will heal and then next time you meet a man you will make better choices for yourself AND YOUR CHILDREN. Good Luck. Stay strong. You are strong!!!!!!
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Old 07-28-2010, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamBelever View Post
He had just become president of the drug court alumni because he Chose to run. He was in the program because he Wanted to be.
He's on probation, yes?.

You'd be amazed at the things addicts will 'willingly' do when they are on probation/parole.

I was married to a twice convicted felon. He had just gotten out of the penitentiary for the second time when I met him.

It looks good to the PO when they do those things.

I watched my EXAH run circles around his parole officer while playing the game.

You may not have known him after all, the real him.

How long were you two together, if I may ask?
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by DayDreamBelever View Post

But the first time he went out.... Why? That's part of what drives me nuts... well over 3 F'n years clean and he made the Very sober choice to go out that first time.

Why would anyone who lost, say 100 pounds, looked and felt terrific, pick up the Haagen Daz, again? And yet it is said that most people who lose a significant amount of weight, relapse and gain it all back and then some.

The issue is within him and has nothing to do with you. If we could love anyone out of it, none of us would be here.
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Old 07-28-2010, 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Why would anyone who lost, say 100 pounds, looked and felt terrific, pick up the Haagen Daz, again? And yet it is said that most people who lose a significant amount of weight, relapse and gain it all back and then some.

The issue is within him and has nothing to do with you. If we could love anyone out of it, none of us would be here.

SO TRUE Outtolunch, Love is the answer to many things, but not to addiction. You hit the nail on the head. WHY is a very big word, even though it only has 3 letters in it.
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