DayDreamBeliever, thank you for posting your letter. It was very touching and I hope you got some relief writing all of that down.
I'm new to SR and dealing with my boyfriend who has already relapsed 1 week out of rehab. He claims he hasn't used, but it's like Angelic17 said "you & I both know the relapse happens long before he puts in the pipe in his mouth." My boyfriend went from loving the idea of recovery and being very open & communicative to lying and being an emotional manipulator in a matter of about 10 days.
Anyway, Daydream, I just wanted to say that while I don't have children or bills with my man, he has been a part of my life for 11 years and so this is very painful to me. The person that I loved (who always had a sh*t-ton of problems, actually, but who was sweet) is gone. Absolutely gone. It is a really terrible feeling. I have been crying like a baby - uncontrollably and with snot running down my face.
I'm definitely codependent. I don't know if you are. But I understand why you are angry and hurt. And I think it is really confusing. . . I mean why do WE have to take a look at ourselves when someone else is so cleary f*cked up?!? Why do WE have to not expect an apology? Why do WE have to let go of all the hurt and pain and not have it made RIGHT??? It is so g.d. unfair.
But I guess it is the only way. I haven't wrapped my head around it at all, but I know that I have to keep going toward the light. . . and the light is me taking care of me, working on myself, being the most honest person I can be.
Of course I say this having spent all morning trying to breathe through the fantasies running through my brain of my bf apologizing and making up to me and giving me the birthday present he claims he bought me last week and that's why all his money is gone. I don't really have all the tools yet to deal with my monstrous mind, but I'm working on getting them.
But I just wanted to say that I understand your frustration, anger, and sadness. You do deserve a big apology and for everything to be made better! But I think the reality of things is that a lot of people that we love are not capable of giving us what we want and need. And that's the reality that has to be dealt with. It is absolutely not fair, especially when someone makes promises and says they are going to be your partner in life. I getting stuck on the thought, "Does my recovery and learning to take care of me mean that I can never fully trust another human being again?" But maybe it's too far down the line to think of that.
You see, I don't have any answers, I am struggling too. But maybe knowing that someone else is going through something similar and doesn't have it figured out either, but is here - on SR - and is trying. . maybe that can give a little comfort, I don't know.
At any rate, thank you for this thread. It has helped me a lot today.