DayDreamBelever

You came into my world at 3years clean. In our first conversation you told me you were a recovered addict and as we spoke you explained to me that you had threw away 5years of your life to crack. As time progressed I learned more storries about your past and all the struggles you had gone through to make it to where you are today. You deep involvement with community service and the drug court program gave me strength and faith in your resolve to not only change your life but the way you look at life.
As time passed we got to know each other better, spent more time together and fell in love. Between us and our 4 children we began towards a new life together. You lit up my world. You loved my children like your own. You made me feel smart, beautiful, wanted and loved in a way no man ever has before. I thanked the lord for sending you into my life.
Then one day things started to change. Gone were the days where I felt appreciated. Gone where the days where you'd stare into my eyes and tell me how much you loved me and how you wanted to marry me. Gone was your trust. Gone was your faith. Gone was your refusal to argue in front of the children, let alone all out yelling and insulting me in front of them. Gone were you from our bed at all hours of the night. Gone... was the man I fell in love with. Instead, before me stood an angry, Moody, paranoid man. Gone with the love was our money. It kept going out and your reasons appeared on the level, but only at the surface. But I continued to put my faith, love and trust in you as much as I could.
Then one day, I come home to take you to work and find you on the phone with drug court arguing about probation and conditional discharge terms. What I overhear from the other end of the line is a serious tone "you're sounding really nervous for some reason". I wait as you secluded yourself from me to talk in a more hushed reverent tone. Which is when I overheard the words I hopped never to come from your mouth "I relapsed." You proceed with your conversation "a month ago..... yes I've been using since." Suddenly the world makes So much more sense.
I take you to your **** test, which of course come up dirty. The judge is out for the weekend and you get to go home with me. I spend the next two days scared to death your going to jail and mentally understanding every lie from the past month. On Monday I go to work late to accompany your drug court councillor and somehow God provides us with the good graces to let you stay with us till Wednesday when you are to return before the drug court judge. My heart sits in my throat for a few more days. The reality of the situation weighs heavy on us both. Revocation of your probation seems extreme but its a possibility we must prepare for... well you prepare for. I... can do nothing but cry if I imagine that happening... I'm just going to try and be realistic... a couple months in jail is what I expect.
Monday morning it took all I had to maintain any composure as I finished bathing my client. My eyes stayed at the brink of overflowing with tears as your words resounded in my heard "they revoked me babe. Please don't hate me. Promise to stay in contact. I love you more than you know."
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
The words beating in rhythm with my heart
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
How? Why? For what reason? I know it was a probation violation but the probation wasn't drug related. It was a non violent crime and he's been 100% complain for 4 yrs.. I Know relapse is real bad, but couldn't they give You some jail time, make you pee test regularly again, more IOP, something?... Anything?... I mean... I just... surely they wont send you back to jail for 3-5 years over this One thing...
Revoked.
REVOKED.
revoked...
My mind tried to remind my heart that the actual revocation hearing isn't till the 26th of August and that they might not completely Revoked his probation that day... but then my heart reminds my mind that last we refused to admit the possibility of the worst, that is just what happened. My hearts sinks into a hole in my chest... I may have just lost you...
Over the course of the next week I yearn for you badly But try to stay strong. I work in tandem with your mother to clean up everything that was left hanging when you want to jail, but the further we delve, the angrier I become. My discoveries in this past week prove exactly what a mastly little dirt trail you left. In one months time you:
-sucked almost $1200 down your crack pipe ( I didn't realize that much money had gone missing till I calculated all you unexpected plainest withdrawals)
-you lied about going to work (when you didn't have to work) so you could get high.
-you lied about going to work (when you were supposed to be there) and no call/no showed so you could get high.
-you lied about paying a ticket bqfore And after I knew you were using.
-you went out and got high on my birthday after ignoring me most of the day (oh yes, that detailed billing on the cell phones finally proved handy).
-you apparently tried Very diligently to steal money off my credit card.
-you sat up late at night texting some girl I've never heard of.
-you regularily accused me of lying cheating and otherwise wronging you in a variety of ways and for a variety of ridiculous reasons. (ALL of which were 100% untrue)
-you overdrafted my account to get drug money, mounting non NSF fees to the point where I basically worked an entire week for free.
-you convinced me to ask my mom for money "to help us since we're having financial trouble", only to turn around and take from that money again for drugs.
-after going out and getting high the night of my birthday you came home and called not one,not two, but Four seperate single/dirty talk type chat lines for a total of one and a half hours.
-you convinced me to ask my friend of 13years to let us buy a car from him 'on personal friend credit' So we could make payments to them (since we just couldn't seem to straighten our finances enough to save to buy you a car) Knowing Full and Well we could never have pay red cent back to them because EVERYTHING we had you were spending on crack. Thereby nearly jeopardizing my long time friendship with my unwhitting lie that we were good for the money.
-you caused me to get utilities shut off then yelled at me for not paying the bills.
*basically, in one month, you became exactly what i didnt want in a relationship. A man that perpetually lies, steals, hurts and manipulates me. A man... that is someone completely different than who I used to see when I looked in your eyes.

In responses to out last conversation (you are Very welcome by the way for all $40 worth of phone cards so you can call me from jail):
-no I was Not looking for a reason to break up with you.
-no I do not believe that someone from work used your phone for 98minutes to call singles chat lines at 730am (especially since you didn't go to work till 1230pm that day When I Drove You There.
-no I am not projecting (but you are)
-no I do not think it is OK you have a female friend, that I've never heard of, that you been talking to at all hours of the night, during the last month, instead of coming to bed, that drove you home when I worked late.
-YES I DO FIND IT VERY FING SUSPICIOUS THAT YOU BOTH GIVE ME A DIFFERENT STORY WHILE CLAIMING YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS.
-fu ck me?! You don't want me to write you or send you more phone cards?! You're done With Me?! .... PLEASE tell me what the **** I did wrong here!!

Through all this I have been amazingly supportive! Through all this I have stood by your side! Through all this, aside from asking questions, I've yet to say One mean or hurtful thing about what you've done. I've even vowed to continue standing by four side as we await your fair. And then, I finally uncover enough of your BS and lies from the last month that I bluntly and honestly begin to ask you WTH is up with this stuff and suddenly I'm wrong. I'm a jerk. I'm not wanting you. I'm somehow 'bad or wrong' because I don't trust you. Well Fu ck! Would you trust you right now??!! After everything THAT is what I get from you??!! You wanna break me?! FINE, consider me broke! I wont be sending your ass a damn thing till I hear an appology! Then and only then might you get anythinng from me.

You know what though... I still miss you with every beat of my heart. I still wonder after everything you accomplished in over 3yrs of sobriety, and everything we had together, why you went out that first time to get high? What made the risk of loosing everything worth it? When I met you, You told me that if you ever wanna get high you just remember that thinking you could handle One hit off a crack pipe stole 5 years of your life. What made you ignore it this time?? What made you leave our bed and take the risk to loose everything?? What made you think you couldn't talk to me about the urge Before you acted upon it?? Me, your mom, your sponsor, your drug court councilors, Anyone?? WHY?? WHY didn't you talk to Someone before you left this house that night with the intent to get high?? Help me understand.. please, I'm begging you, how were you so OK to potentially let it all go after so many years of so rusty?? I wish I could understand what you've went through..
I wish even more... that when my daughter cries and asks why you aren't home... that my answer of "oh, just working" were true...