Originally Posted by
Leise 
I know exactly what you mean ChrrisT.... I did the same and was shocked at what I thought was rampant selfishness.
That being said, we normies can never understand what it is like to be in the grips of an addiction like alcoholism. Can you imagine trying to figure out how much or what you can drink in order to not kill yourself completely and yet still keep drinking? I know I can't. Thank God for that!
Our addictions are very real (codieism) but they are not compulsory. We can change our reactions to the chaos in our lives. But asking an alcoholic to not drink (if you love me) is like asking someone with pneumonia not to cough, don't you think? (Thanks to MB for that analogy). It's such a cruel disease. Makes one think they need to drink to keep from dying but it's that very thing which is killing them.
I guess I've learned that A's have to be selfish, their recovery has to come first. And the love affair with the bottle is far stronger than any bonds with friends and family.
It's such a shocker for a codie like myself to realize I was never important at all to my A, because he was everything to me. (hello! codie alert!) The A's trying to get help on this forum really made that point clear to me, you certainly don't see them posting about how their GF, W, H or BF left because they can't deal with the drinking. They have other concerns, like how to live another day.
The RA's do... but even they refuse to dwell in the past or have regrets. IMO.
I have learned a lesson or two from the RA's on this site... don't dwell, have no regrets, but don't ever forget.
I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know, but it felt good to get if off my chest. Thanks...
Leise
Hi Leise. I think it's much harder for a codie to recover than it is for an alcoholic.
In years gone by, I worked in a wonderful IOP for addictions. The addicts received 20 hours per week of "treatment" and their family members (when willing) got 12 hours a week. Time after time I heard the codependent spouse complain thusly: "OK...he gets to be abstinent from alcohol and drugs. That's pretty clear cut. What do I get to abstain from?"
Everyone kind of said, "um, er, ah, duh...etc." Until we found the answer: codies get to abstain from adrenaline, which is brought on by what we called "loaded feelings"....rage, self-pity, hopelessness and mainly.....CRISIS AND CHAOS. Codies are the crisis managers in our world...nurses, cops, firefighters, first responders, etc. etc. , spouses of crazy people like alcoholics. They are hooked on that adrenaline rush, and who better to provide it in a relationship than a wacked out addict or alcoholic, who's liable to be dead, in the hospital or in jail if he's an hour late coming home from work? Ah...the rush of panic. The power of adrenaline. Here's a drug so powerful it can enable a 90 pound woman to lift an automobile off of her child! Now THAT is a drug. It is also, like alcohol, very destructive both physically and psychologically. After all, it was "designed" in the times when "fight or flight" meant not being eaten by wild beasts. Oh...and has anyone noticed the depression after an adrenaline episode??? My, my. These days it's probably treated as a bipolar disorder<G>.
I think that the blessing of alanon is that it teaches people some calm and serenity, some acceptance. No need to go off the deep end every time he lies about drinking. The answer to the question of why a person would remain in relationship with an alcohoic is not "love," but dependency. I think it's really a simple chemical dependency on adrenaline. That may seem too simplistic, but when we began working with family members as adrenaline addicts, they started getting some relief. I guess the proof of the pudding's in the eating?
It certainly addresses the insanity of serial relationships with addicts and alcoholics.
blessings
zenbear