Originally Posted by
Wife2Kids 
The last 24 hours have been a tad stressful.
Asked stbxah for our taxes so I can make copies and he basically emailed me bizarre incongruent allegations-nothing to do with me getting the taxes. Finally I just emailed him I was not going to pay my lawyer to get what I have every right to have and if he would not give them to me I would ask her to file an order forcing him to give them to me and asking the court to have him pay her fees. He emailed me back he had them and would give them to me.
Last night there were flash floods and the basement of my new house got half flooded. Nothing I could do but move stuff to dry places. This a.m. most of it had drained so I ran to the store and got stuff to clean and a dehumidifier (that I can't afford--but what am I going to do?) I'll deal with it when I get home from work.
Got a call from the preschool half an hour ago. My 5 year old slugged another child in the face and split his lip-WHAT? was all that I could say. Then they said he has been acting aggressively since last Friday. . am not sure what is going on. He has been having problems with the divorce but he cannot go around slugging people. He bloodied this little boy's lip and his mom had to come and get him. She is mad (I would be mad too) and said her son had been complaining my son had been acting aggressively toward him for the last couple days. The teachers say he has been sassy. Not sure how to handle this--he has a lot going on right now (he has RAD and PTSD on top of the other turmoil)-but he cannot just use his body when he is angry. I have been working on this at home--he has never done this outside of our house. I have a call in to his therapist and she should be calling back soon.
Called stbxah to talk to him about son's behavior and he did not call back so called him again (around noon) and he was just rolling out of bed. He could not deal with it because he had other things he needed to take care of (or as he put it, everyone wants a piece of me today). Told me he had to call the people who did his endoscopy because they called and said it was urgent that he call them back as soon as possible.
We have been talking about chaos lately and how many of us seek it out. I am not sure I am seeking it out in any of the above situations. What surprises me is that right now I would think my head was going to explode and it is not.
Thoughts are--you can't stop the flooding you can only clean up the mess afterward.
You are getting the taxes
Wait to talk to therapist about what to do about 5 year old son's violent attack on another child.
Not goint to do anything about the results of stbxah's tests (went down that road last week and things were pretty clear and what people said is definitely occurring--more health issues coming down the line). stbxah sounded very hung over--that is not my problem and he does not have the kids this weekend.
So the thing I am having the most difficulty with is son's behavior. I know he is very sad and mad that stbxah and I don't live together and he has finally figured out that divorce means we never will. There needs to be consequences for his behavior and they need to be fairly serious consequences with a large dose of love on top so he knows regardless of what he does I still love him--but that does not mean he gets away with it.
Has anyone else had problems with their kids to this degree? If so, what did you do?
Last year LMC punched a boy (he had been messing w/her....she doesn't take messing with lying down....which makes me proud) the 2nd day of 3rd grade......the 2nd day for crying out loud! It was actually the after care program where the structure/supervision is much more lax than during actual school.
I couldn't believe it, and I was mad. This had been an ongoing problem, and during 2nd grade she was almost kicked out of the program. The Head lady and her head supervisor had to meet with me and LMC, and I think they just let her stay out of compassion for her/our circumstances. They knew she was seeing a therapist and I was doing all I could. Actually she had hit kids 2 or 3 times in 2 or 3 years, but still, they have a zero tolerance.
It seems to me the world has gone crazy in lots of ways, but mainly in school. A kid can torment another relentlessly, and if the picked on kid wallops them, THEY get in trouble. Then once the other kids all know one kid is an easy mark, it makes it worse. IDK.
Here's what I did, but LMC was 8, not 5. I met with the Head lady again, with LMC sitting right there (openness and transparency) and told her that we knew hitting other kids was ABSOLUTELY not allowed. And that I'd appreciated her letting LMC stay in the program before, but if it EVER happened again we would be leaving, and that I trusted she would give me enough time to find the oldest, meanest lady I could find to watch LMC. And that I would insist on NO television, electronics, toys, etc. Just a room with the door closed and books to read for 3 hours till I got there at 6pm. That I knew LMC would miss the company of the other kids, but I didn't know what else to do.
I addition to that, I suggested that if LMC can't be trusted to not hit other kids, she not be given an OPPORTUNITY to hit other kids, after all they have a right to be safe. So she was segregated for 5 days. Wasn't allowed to play, no toys, DS's, could only read books.
At home she was also in "lock down". We came home, she took a bath, she ate dinner, and went straight to bed. No T.V., (her most valuable commodity, so best currency), no electronics, only books to read.
We (aftercare and I) did this for 4 days, at which time she was given a reprieve for good behavior, so her punishment ended a day early at home and school. She has always accepted her consequences with "grace", and that's something I praise her for heavily. I believe it shows strong character.
Oh and I don't punish on weekends for transgressions during the school/work week. The weekends are for enjoyment/chores, consequences are only enforced Sunday through Thursday nights with weekends "off".
I will add this last thing in the spirit of honesty, I do believe in corporal punishment, and she got a very controlled (on my part) spanking when she got home. Spanking is taken very seriously in our home and not given unless warranted.
That being said, LMC is a very SPIRITED little girl (I think it is a good thing and I am very proud of that), and as such has varying consequences on a REGULAR basis. But averages about 1 spanking a year.
I HATE THEM, and although spankings are my least favorite parental duty, I believe they serve a purpose. I've gone to great lengths to make LMC aware of my feelings. I hope that last one is the last one.
One final thought. When LMC's mom and I divorced I felt extremely guilty. I let a lot of bad behavior slide because I felt sorry for her.
After about a year it dawned on me,
if I let her get away with things JUST because she is from an alcoholic/broken home, I do her a much greater disservice, in preparing her for life in the real world. If I allow this, I've damaged her twice.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. If LMC's punishment sounded severe, remember, it wasn't "her 1st rodeo". It was her 3rd or 4th, and as such the consequences were ramped up! Also, that particular problem wasn't revisited again.