Wow my friends is what I am saying out loud as I sit here before work reading these posts on a rather gloomy overcast day. You all are writing and saying what I am feeling.
Rev....stop mind melding with me and posting my thoughts!!! lolol. I mean this seriously as your post about struggling, feeling on the outside looking in so to speak is much of how I have lived my life.
UBC - you also have to stop writing about me too.....different, wild eyed....Yup you got me on that.
I so grateful for all of you because I have no one to be honest in my life that understands what I am feeling. I don't have friends/family that really get it and to them I am off the sauce and they are happy for the positive change. They sure as heck have no clue that no matter what vibe I am giving off that my recovery is a day to day journey. They only understand Kim drinking and Kim not drinking. That is it.
I feel this journey has been in levels. Each period of time brings me to another place in my recovery. I am guessing it will eventually plateau or so I hope where I have done the work, put the pieces together and am fully at peace with myself.
I am at 97 days guys and lately.....well I am frustrated. I don't like my job. It was something I needed when I got sober to build my self-esteem and confidence and to bring me help with mental health. Staying at home, alone for a long time and the years of verbal/mental abuse with the ex took its toll. This job was good to get on the horse. Now I am looking around and saying WTF? Why am I doing this gig? I am underpaid and my skills aren't being used. Like I said, good for a first start but now I am ready for more.
I get angry and upset with myself in recent days because I feel like I failed. I failed in that I screwed up so many years and lost great opportunities. I have always felt inside myself that I am worth more and meant to do great things in life. I have always felt different then others and I can read people like nobody's business. Yet, I for the past 10 years hid who I was, crawled in a hole and pretended to be like others and drank to quiet, calm and shut the real me.
Now I DON'T WANT TO SHUT UP. I want to make positive change and I am tired of taking crap from people. I am off the bottle and I am not going to relapse. But I know that I am so trained to take crap from folks (yes, I sooooo can suck it up) that I am in this ugly internal battle with myself. The alcoholic side telling me I am wrong and I am the one who needs to agree to just let it go. The free real me says no don't take it. You deserve more and better. This attitude is what fired me up to succeed in younger years against diversity and against many odds. I didn't care what people thought and I was true to myself. I had my causes and I believed in them. I was in law school and ready to really help right some injustices in this world.
Ok....I am sorry for rambling but man this is how I feel. I wanna kick myself lately for allowing myself to ever get so beaten down. I did it and when I was drunk daily.....I allowed others to treat me pretty horridly. Now I am angry and I feel like the guy shouting he is mad as hell in the film Network. Seriously guys!!
I disagree with the practices at my job and I don't think we are really making a difference in the lives of the kids we work with. I shared with a colleague and well he disagreed. Ok...I will leave that rant alone.
I thank you all for listening to this and like I said....I feel unleashed, full of years of suppressed identity and I try hard every day not to release it on the innocent ones around me.....LOL.
What I can say to sum this up is I am approaching 100 days and that feels damn good. All of us have worked so hard to get where we are and I find support in all of you and know that I am feeling the love.
Huggs guys and now to start another day. I know there is a reason I am sober and there is a purpose that I have been given another chance. Now just to slowly work out what it is I am supposed to do here.
PS....PG hormones raging here too. Ooopsie.