runningfree

Good day to all!
I have posted in a couple of places and "told my story." It seems as though I have been telling my story for a while and even I am getting tired of the never-ending broken record! I don't know if I am moving any where because I am up and down. I do not have a chemical dependency and I am not an alchoholic. My husband is neither of these and in fact neither of us used anything in college. I don't want to appear saintly because the truth is that I am no better off for not using anything than I am today.
My issues appear to be a lack of self-worth and self-esteem that came from a mother that was an alcoholic that "stopped" when I got married AND a father that would breeze in and breeze out of our lives with a mistress/wife? across town and a child that was one year older than me. Obviously I am figuring that this was clearly a slap in the face to find out since at the time we didn't have enough money to heat the house and his "other family" were taking vacations to Florida. I found out about this half-sister when I was about 13ish after snooping in my mother's drawers. I found the hush hush article in the paper of her next to HER horse accepting a first place blue ribbon. The article continued to offer a quote from her father (MY FATHER) that stated that she wouldn't be getting a horse if she had just mediocre grades! I had to run to the dictionary to look up mediocre only to find out that I was not only less than mediocre, but I never was recognized by my father as anything good or at least I can't remember. We never spoke about this "other family" in my house and we never talked about my mother's drinking. It just didn't exist.......... Although my mother was foolish enough to bring me to the liquor store to buy her Canadian Club and I can still smell the smell of that store as if it was yesterday. I never understood what she was purchasing, but it is the same feeling when tampons are purchased. They just do it and bring you along and don't talk about it. The liquor store owner knew me by name and we were like family. I am not sure how all of this reminising is going to help me because it hasn't in the past, BUT I have had a TOUGH year with a "friend" that has had similar issues but is very strong. She hurt me badly because I was content with myself... I had found the proper depression medication...I had controlled my earlier eating disorder... and my self esteem was the best it had ever been in my life. Then this friend came in like gangbusters with her issues that drudged up all the skeletons in the closets and I plummeted into a hole that I haven't been able to crawl out from in a year. The depression medication just stopped working. I was told that if something devasting happens then a medication can lose its effects. I still have not been able to secure the proper "potion" I must be getting closer because I have been able to think a little more rationally about this situation.
I just finished the book PERFECT DAUGHTERS by Robert J. Ackerman. I would recommend it to anyone that is an ACOA. Ironically my friend let me borrow this book and after reading it from start to finish I realized that many of the things my therapist was saying for the last year has been true. I have been very co-dependent with this friend. I became lost in her web of issues and yet needed help of my own and let it eat me alive. I almost destroyed my life as well as my families lives because of my inability to be with this friend and my inability to be without her. I know I have a LONG way to go and I am in no way "healthy", but after 3 slip ups in 1 week that I just could not believe that she did to me. To any outsider these comments would not have been a problem, but to hear her say that she didn't think that I would be bothered made me realize that she is not going to change and she is just not going to get it. I sat her down yesterday and said that although I am addicted to her presence in my life because I have no other friends, I will not allow her to "get me " anymore. If she doesn't want to change then she needs to realize that I am not going to be around to get stepped on. I am not sure why this book influenced me so much, but it told me many things that I have heard, but in a way of reaching the reality of my thoughts. Since this book focused on daughters it also had much in it that could be my story!
The book talks about relationships with a partner, but it can also be used to describe friendships.---- Adult daughters are attracted to people who appear strong and in control. For example, when they first meet, these people come across as very open with their feelings and make statements that the adult daughters are thinking but are too afraid to express. Additionally, these people are usually dependable and self assured. These characteristics are initially attractive, but also can be used to control others. These people are strong and the adult daugthers do not look far enough to see that they are also dysfunctional. This is exactly the situation with my friend and I. We developed into a "countercontrolling relationship" as a response to being overly controlled and trying to fight back! There is a section in the recovery part of the book that talks about finding healthy people. My therapist has tried to get me to move on from this friend and find other people. I am not a friend finder. I grew up only talking to anyone that talked to me first and to never seek out a conversation. This is still alive today. I am not sure why this 1 page section hit me the way that it did, but it showed me that I need to do something. It stated that although having a DISCOVERY of my problems does not mean RECOVERY. I have been waiting for the magic dust to come by and heal me now that I know WHY I feel the way that I do. It states to NOT CONFUSE RELIEF FOR RECOVERY. For example.... when you get injured and the pain stops you feel relief, but relief does not mean that the injury has healed.
It is scary and I don't know what way to go, but I hope that I can climb out of that hole and not get kicked down again.
Thanks for the time.... Hope you had some popcorn for the long story! :spectacle