Rev

I continue to struggle with the desire to drink. The first couple of months, it was easier. I could think about "never drinking again." Now, I try to focus on "not drinking today." I want to drown out my sense of fatigue and boredom and anxiety. I just want to take a day off from "working at it."

I've been stressed out lately. I am not very good at taking care of my day to day stuff. I feel like my life is never "in order" or "on track". I feel like I expend too much energy and time just wanting to "feel better". I'm afraid that I don't have the energy or stamina to maintain my life as something I'd want it to be.

Quitting drinking has uncovered some very old pain, and now is my time to confront it, to change the course of my life. It's terrifying. What happens if I'm the big disappointment I've always been afraid of being? How did I get to be afraid of being a disappointment in the first place?

I've felt very alone my whole life... since childhood. I've felt ignored, superficially understood in other people's terms. I've felt disconnected, as if no matter what I did, the outcome would be the same; I've felt helpless with other people, like I'm a ghost, unseen, screaming at the oblivious living. These feelings have defined my life, drawn me more inward, built up walls around me to the point that I don't really know how to reach out, or I don't think I know.

Well, thanks for letting me vent. Just keeping it going, one day at a time.

Rev