Hi caligirl...and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place to find support. It truly saved my butt.
Originally Posted by
caligirl71 
I guess I'm just scared to let go of the relationship I used to have and what could be....if he would just wake up and realize what an a** he is being.
This is a common occurrence: letting go of the dream that we created for ourselves...the dream of the intact happy family with 2.5 children, a dog and a white picket fence (or whatever your flavour is). Sadly, when dealing with an A, it's often the case that we truly made up the dream out of nothing, because the A was never the person we imagined them to be.
Originally Posted by
caligirl71 I mean, choosing booze over your family??? Who does that??
Alcoholics do this. And they'll continue to do this until...they either hit their bottom, or...never. It's not personal. It's a disease.
Originally Posted by
caligirl71 I've just become really depressed living in this situation and maybe I've given up.......how can I love someone so much who constantly hurts me and puts me second????
Please be gentle with yourself. You've been living with an alcoholic spouse for a long time; certain habits have formed imperceptibly and before you know it...POOF, you're not his priority anymore and haven't been for a long time. There's no shame in this. You were meant to go through that to learn something very valuable...and when you're ready to take the next step, you will.
Since you have children, I'd ask to this: do you want your children to grow up thinking that the way your family is right now is "normal"? This is specifically what pushed me to leave my XAH. For a second, I imagined my daughter, grown up and married to a "/$%?& like my X, and it made me ill. I didn't want her to think that the way XAH treated me was the way men and women should treat each other. So I left.