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New here....so sad and unsure........

Old 07-18-2010, 09:23 PM
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New here....so sad and unsure........

Hi..I have been lurking here for quite some time but chose not to post until now. My life is spinning out of control!! My husband is an alcoholic and I've know it for a long time-I think everyone in the family has. He has admitted it several times and even went to a few AA meetings but then always takes it back & blames me for making him think he is one!! We have two little ones and they are the ones I worry for most. My oldest has started to count the empty cans & keep track of how much his dad drinks! Whenever I confront him on his drinking he gets angry & drinks more. He says he will never quit & doesn't care what anyone thinks & if I don't like it I can get out! The problem is I still love him for some insane reason. I feel like I should divorce him but then I'm scared I will regret it. The thought of him with someone else just kills me, but I know we can't go on like this. I feel he is slowly killing himself with booze & damaging my children in the process....any advice would be greatly appreciated....
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:38 PM
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Hi Caligirl,

Welcome to SR. This is a great forum with great people.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and I understand your emotions. And yes, your children are being affected, so your first priority is to them. I know you are aware of that, but sometimes it takes hearing it again.

But re: your relationship you said :
I feel like I should divorce him but then I'm scared I will regret it. The thought of him with someone else just kills me

...so let me ask you, your situation is dire enough that you are considering a divorce, this is clearly making you unhappy and you want to change that...but what would you regret? Would you regret the life you THOUGHT you would have? What you are living and the IDEA of what you want your life to be are two very different things. It is very easy to hold onto something because we keep wanting it to be something else, when really, it is what it is, and we have to accept the reality of it.

Second, the "thought of him with someone else kills you.."...well, I TOTALLY get that. But, if that someone else got this same man who you are saying that you should divorce, would you be so envious?? Because that is EXACTLY the same man that someone else would get should you remove yourself.
Unless he really does some hard hard work, you can be sure of that.

Ending any relationship is so difficult and painful, but there is another side to that pain. There's a lot of great advice and support here.
Keep posting.
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:40 PM
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Welcome to SR. There will be others along to post with lots of good information. In the meantime, read the stickies at the top of the forum and please know that many of us understand what you are going through.

What has helped me is Al-Anon and reading the book "Codependent No More".

Welcome and please continue to post.
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:47 PM
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Welcome to SR! You will find many kindred spirits here. Keep posting and know we are all here for you and understand what you're going through. Sending you hugs and good thoughts!
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Old 07-18-2010, 09:56 PM
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Yes, he is killing himself with the booze. Yes, the children are being damaged.
So are you although I didn't see you say that.
He did tell you that the booze was his number one priority.
I think that is heartwrenchingly sad and painful!
I hope you will read the stickies at the top and continue to post here.
You are hurt and damaged and you will need to look at things through several perspectives and begin baby steps towards your own healing so that you can have a good life and share that with your children. You deserve that!
Is the eldest old enough for ala-teen? Sounds like that could be of great help!
Untreated alcoholism is a progressive disease and heartbreak.
I am so sorry for the situation that brings you here!
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:26 PM
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I highly recommend you check out an al-anon meeting.

Living with an alcoholic makes anyone codependent. It is incredibly stressful and painful living with an alcoholic, and only those who have done it, can understand the unique issues and problems. When you go to al-anon, you will meet others who have been through it. I was with my xabf for 3 yrs, off and on. We broke up 3 months ago, but I still go to al-anon, because it helps me deal with the leftover trauma and pain from being made a low priority after alcohol.

My ex said the same thing as your husband: "If you don't like my drinking you can walk."

Well, you know what, I decided long ago to never make anyone a priority who only makes me an option. And when he had a big drunken temper tantrum on his birthday, that was when I hit MY bottom and left.
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Old 07-19-2010, 03:50 AM
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Hi Caligirl71, Welcome!

I am fairly new to this alcoholism disease, I have been married for 22 years and met my AH at the age of 14/15, we have two grown daughters 19yrs and 22yrs. Last October after countless requests for AH to reduce his beer intake, I posted a thread on another site about 'how many beers was too much'. One person suggested I try Al-Anon. I went along to my first Al-Anon meeting with my 19yr old daughter in tow. I couldnt believe how I could relate to many of the people who spoke and told their stories of living with an alcoholic. It was then that I knew that I was married to an alcoholic and had been all my life without even realising it!

My life was spinning out of control and also my head felt like it was spinning too. The self talking just seemed to go on and on with no ending.

My AH admitted he was an alcoholic and even managed to stay sober for 3/5 months. Now he is in complete denial again, saying he has been brainwashed into thinking he was an alcoholic and he is going to drink for the rest of his life and if I don't like it I can leave. This is also interspersed with put downs and ridicules of me, in the form of verbal abuse.

The trouble with alcoholism is, it doesnt respond well at all to threats. I have tried the separating, divorce, not speaking, yelling etc but nothing works and only really compounds the problem. Its a bit like a kid when you say 'if you don't stop that, I will take away x,y,x' but you don't take away x,y,z. Then he/she does it again and you still don't take away x,y,z. They know that you are not going to take x,y,z away, so they just keep repeating their bad behavior, only this time they get a kick out of it too!

My favourite article at the moment is this one (below) called addiction, lies and relationships. It was a real eye opener of the disease for me and some painful truths about why its never going to get better unless it starts with him.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Someone at my Al-Anon who has been attending for the past 20yrs has stayed with her AH and the only way it has worked for her has been to keep attending Al-Anon, work on herself and turn a blind eye to all his Alcoholic behaviors. If you want to stay in the marriage, it is possible but you would definitely need Al-Anon and maybe even therapy to help you cope.

I am currently living in the same house as AH but not on speaking terms at all since the last incident whereby he verbally abused my daughter and I, ridiculed me and told me how boring I was and more besides. He never apologises for any of it and excuses it by saying that I am boring and I shout at him. I have told him never to speak to me again as I am so angry with him. This is only having the effect of justifying why he drinks to himself, because I am so bad to live with!

I also have the torment of 'playing out' scenarios in my head.

Do I leave, Do I stay, If I leave how will I afford it, what will I take with me, what will I leave behind, how will I move it, do I earn enough to move, will I regret it, do I stay angry at him, do I need another part time job to afford it, do I wait a bit longer, if I do that, will I miss out on the house I have seen. It goes on and on and on and just gives me one giant headache!

Both of my daughters are damaged, without a doubt. The eldest one is a complete tee-total but also a codependent and can only find happiness in relationships.
My youngest, 19yrs has put up with verbal abuse and bullying from her dad for the past year or so and is moving out this weekend to live with friends. Although she thinks of me as being a good mum, I know that I have let her down because we talked about moving out together but I couldn't bring myself to do it as I was scared about affording it. She also gets angry with me for as she says 'letting her dad verbally abuse me, him having an internet affair and me not leaving him'.

I am pleased that you have found this site, please keep reading the threads and stickies above -my personal favourites (apart from link above) merry-go-round, and excuses alcoholics make.

You will end up doing what is right for you and your family - knowledge is power.
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Old 07-19-2010, 07:01 AM
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Thank you for all the kind responses...I truely appreciate it!! I guess I'm just scared to let go of the relationship I used to have and what could be....if he would just wake up and realize what an a** he is being. I mean, choosing booze over your family??? Who does that?? I just don't get it....I have been to an alanon meeting and have tried counseling. Maybe I just gave up too soon...I've just become really depressed living in this situation and maybe I've given up.......how can I love someone so much who constantly hurts me and puts me second????
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Old 07-19-2010, 08:08 AM
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I'm new here too and relate tremendously to what you are saying. I wish sometimes that I could have a lobotomy and completely forget his face, our life together, and so forth. Haven't found a neurosurgeoun willing to do that one yet though :P At times, I can see the potential for what I could have with another partner. At other times, I can't bear to give up the few really special memories - the unique and wonderful things about us.

The pain is raw. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I slept 2 1/2 hours last night after working 4 days in a row as a nurse!! Usually first day off I sleep 12 hours. Bleh.
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Old 07-19-2010, 08:28 AM
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I mean, choosing booze over your family??? Who does that??
Alcoholics do that, such as myself, until I stopped drinking and got recovery.
Alcoholics do that, such as my father, who died from cirrhosis of the liver.
Alcoholics do that, such as my daughter, who is choosing alcohol over her future.

They do it everyday, all day.

Beth
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Old 07-19-2010, 09:26 AM
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You have come to such a wonderful place. I have been reading here since last fall, and have only begun to post recently. I felt that gut-wrenching pain, sick to your stomach pain and agony that I thought would never go away during the time I lived with my ABF, and when I left. But here it is six months later, with Al anon, and SR, and I have learned so much, and I feel so good.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. When I left my A, I felt so bad for me, for him, for the happy ending I was not going to have with him. My therapist said that leaving him may have been his only hope for recovery. I know I would have lost my own mind had I stayed. Nothing is more important to an active alcoholic than alcohol. And the more you read and learn, the more you will understand. Of course it makes no sense, it is insanity. That's what alcoholism is. I spent a lot of time reading the AA Big Book on line, and that was very helpful to me as well.
I wish you the best. You will be ok, no matter what. You will.
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:20 AM
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Hi caligirl...and WELCOME to SR! This is a wonderful place to find support. It truly saved my butt.

Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I guess I'm just scared to let go of the relationship I used to have and what could be....if he would just wake up and realize what an a** he is being.
This is a common occurrence: letting go of the dream that we created for ourselves...the dream of the intact happy family with 2.5 children, a dog and a white picket fence (or whatever your flavour is). Sadly, when dealing with an A, it's often the case that we truly made up the dream out of nothing, because the A was never the person we imagined them to be.

Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I mean, choosing booze over your family??? Who does that??
Alcoholics do this. And they'll continue to do this until...they either hit their bottom, or...never. It's not personal. It's a disease.

Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I've just become really depressed living in this situation and maybe I've given up.......how can I love someone so much who constantly hurts me and puts me second????
Please be gentle with yourself. You've been living with an alcoholic spouse for a long time; certain habits have formed imperceptibly and before you know it...POOF, you're not his priority anymore and haven't been for a long time. There's no shame in this. You were meant to go through that to learn something very valuable...and when you're ready to take the next step, you will.

Since you have children, I'd ask to this: do you want your children to grow up thinking that the way your family is right now is "normal"? This is specifically what pushed me to leave my XAH. For a second, I imagined my daughter, grown up and married to a "/$%?& like my X, and it made me ill. I didn't want her to think that the way XAH treated me was the way men and women should treat each other. So I left.
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:25 AM
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I'm new here but not to the problem.

They teach in AA - one day at a time.

It works for us too - one decision at a time.

Make it a simple achievable one - thinking about divorce now maybe too big to tackle.

What can you do today to make your situation better and more peaceful for you and your children?

We are not control by addiction but by the overwhelming need to love unconditionally. Mother nature is cruel, she is hard to fight.

Keep posting and stay strong

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Old 07-19-2010, 09:52 PM
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Thank you so much for all the replies........I tried to talk to him (sober him) tonight but it did not go well at all. He told me again to just leave if I wasn't happy because he is not changing. Then he turned the tv on & tuned me out. It's so tough.....I know talking does me no good-I just never seem to learn a lesson. It just makes me upset & makes me feel like I'm crazy..constantly banging my head against the wall!!!!!!! Just had to rant....so, so, frustrated......
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Old 07-19-2010, 10:42 PM
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Hey Cali,

Keep posting it does help.
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Old 07-20-2010, 06:56 AM
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Cali,

I believe in every person there is a switch.

A "I have had enough of this S**T" switch.

I think our subconscious mind - when it is time - will hit it.

think strong independent thoughts - you are very close to change, it can

happen in a moment - just the flick of a switch. Enough!!!

Keep us posted - don't go away
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Old 07-20-2010, 09:33 AM
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Caligirl...how are YOU today? Inquring minds wanna know ...
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Old 07-20-2010, 09:51 AM
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Hi Cali,
Hope today is a better day for you. After reading your last post, I had to say that my ABF said the same thing to me, "This is who I am, I am going to drink, and if you don't like it you can leave, why are you still here?" So I left. All along he told himself all the lies, that he was not like other alcoholics...he had a great life...I was his only problem because I had a problem with his drinking.
But when he woke up in an empty house, his life did not feel so great anymore. It became harder to lie, I guess. Anyway, he got sober...been sober almost 6 months, and working really hard on his recovery. He wants his old life back. But the thing is, once I got over the gut wrenching pain, I found out I liked living alone. So calm and peaceful after all the chaos. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't left. Al anon and SR have shown me a better way to live. My happiness is no longer dependent on his sobriety. I am free, no matter what, and it feels really good.
Good luck, keep reaching out for help, there is lot of it here.
You know, people who live with alcoholics can get just as insane as they are. They say, "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." All the talking and pleading in the world will not change an alcoholic. They have to want to stop all by themselves.
Hang in there; you will be fine.
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Old 07-20-2010, 01:43 PM
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I'm hanging in there today...took my boys on a playdate and tried not to think about it all! You know, I do feel insane most days. Seems like this vicious cycle just keeps repeating itself over & over & over. Same fight, different day..never any positive results....He always turns it around on me and says I am the crazy one & I have it so good-don't have to work, he buys me nice things, takes me and the kids on vacations....but what he doesn't realize is all those things are destroyed by his drinking!! Why, oh why can he not realize it???????...........Sometimes I worry that I don't have a rock-bottom-that maybe I will put up with this forever....crazy I know...
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Old 07-20-2010, 02:07 PM
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when you've had enough, you'll leave. Until then, don't beat yourself up. Keep posting and reading here.
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