I think I'm going to be facing these issues soon myself (if I'm not already). The other night, my H "passed out" in his chair before putting his son (my step-son) to bed. The poor kid was confused and I think he was a little scared (that his dad wouldn't wake up to read him his bedtime story and put him to bed as he usually does). He looked at me and asked "could you maybe put me to bed instead?" Broke my heart into little pieces... of course, my impulse was to say "of course I will baby." But I had to pause... because this has always been their "thing" together and I felt like, if I "took care" of this for him... isn't that enabling? On the other hand, there's a sad, confused little boy looking at me for an answer... ::sigh:: Fortunately, he must have seen the confusion in my own face because he said "nevermind, I'll just watch TV" and that was it until his dad did come too a few minutes later. When I told my H what happened the next morning, he was quick to assure me that it was perfectly ok for me to put the kid to bed... um, right...
Anyway... I think that's the hardest part about boundries and detachment. For me, it's relatively easy not to do favors for the irresponsible adult... but when there are kids involved, how do you maintain boundries without feeling like a cold-hearted wench? I don't know...