Boundaries

Old 07-11-2010, 08:28 PM
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Boundaries

Okay, so I've been doing pretty well overall, but I have to say I'm being faced with a number of boundary issues all of the sudden, and with a lot of intensity.

It feels like I'm fighting an uphill battle right now. I'm angry...I know this related to that little kid inside who was taken advantage of and she wants to come out with fists raised! I'm not fighting it physically, though, but mentally I feel like I'm doing just that. I am very tired with all of it. Seems like no area of my life is untouched by this issue--friends, family, work. Even the puppy is suddenly acting up in all kinds of ways that she hadn't before! The good news is that her confidence is growing, but wow, am I tired.

I could use some "pick-me-ups", some ES&H on maintaining boundaries that I KNOW are appropriate and I have every right (and responsibility to myself) to maintain. It just feels like I keep putting forth the energy to successfully keep the boundaries and still feel depleted, so maybe there's some necessary self-care that I haven't yet used to replenish myself...??? I feel like I'm missing something here.

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Old 07-11-2010, 08:56 PM
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I have just learnt a big lesson, when dealing with your AH dont use the term 'rule'. I honestly couldnt remember the term 'boundary' at that moment.

My 'rule' (boundary) was that I was not going to speak to him about anything that mattered when he was drinking. He was trying to talk (sneer) to me about how little we have in common, how we werent going to make it till our old age etc but with several beers inside him and one in the hand. As soon as I said 'rule' he flipped. Luckily I managed to repeat that it was my own rule that I wasnt going to speak to him and with this he said fine and walked away.

I mentioned to my adult daughter about this one, as she had left me alone with him and wanted to know how I got on, and she said ' oh, I guess you wont be talking to dad very often then'
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Old 07-11-2010, 08:58 PM
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Well, for me holding boundaries used to be EXHAUSTING cuz I was around people who didn't respect them.. (namely my kids!) I know all too well the feeling of wanting to give in becuz you are just too depleted to fight anymore. Fortunately I was able to ask (tell) both kids (18 and 21) to leave the house.. wow did that cut down on having to tow the line day in and out! I advise minimizing contact with those who push your boundaries, and really spend time with people who respect your boundaries. It "fills up your cup" . Also for me at least one alanon meeting a week helps. The self care is a great idea too.. buy a book or cd you've been wanting or watch a movie marathon..whatever it is that relaxes you. Also use HALT.. ask yourseld.. am I Hungy, Angry,Lonely, or Tired and then actually take care of what it is that you need. Sounds like you are doing what you need to do..holding those bounadaries. It helps me to remeber that "no" is a complete sentence..hang in there!
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Old 07-11-2010, 09:57 PM
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How's your conscious contact with your higher power? Are you taking any time at all each day for a recovery-related reading of some sort or meditation?
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:54 AM
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Thank you, Freedom. Yes, every day I'm meditating, connecting with HP. That relationship feels strong. In fact, I'm turning over the fact that I'm so darn tired, saying, "Okay, HP, you know what I can handle..." and I'm taking it one day at a time. It's interesting though, I took a little break from writing this and did my morning meditation, and what came up is clarity around fear of having things taken from me...my choices, money, time with my kids, even the furniture that my puppy "decorated" with her teeth. It's about fear...isn't it always? Wow, that little kiddo is so hungry sometimes. No wonder I found addictive relationships.

Over the weekend a friend of mine said that maybe I'm being "tested" in a way, to have the chance to state clearly that I want to live in this new way. Now I'm having the opportunity to reinforce it with action and not just words. But geez, it's really coming up full-force. It's hard to not feel guarded and like I have to protect myself...it's hard to not put up a wall "in general" because it feels like I'm being barraged with stuff.

Thank you keepinon, for mentioning relationships. I need to re-evaluate some of the relationships in my life. Most of these issues are about maintaining agreements that were made with people, some very clearly, some not. Both are being challenged. I think there are 1 or 2 people that I need to let go of since they were manipulative for the 3rd time and they are peripheral in my life--I've come far enough to be able to truly give myself the option of letting go of people--progress!

Some of the others are non-negotiable: work stuff, co-parenting stuff. That's harder, because I think I'm trying to navigate keeping my boundaries in place without becoming a prisoner of them.

I'll keep working on the fear angle. One foot in front of the other...

Gratefully,
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Old 07-12-2010, 05:04 AM
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Sounds like you had a rough day. I just posted and can understand what you are saying about he uphill battle. I just stayed in bed this morning and that is so not me. Maybe I needed it. Be kind to yourself. I know how tired you must feel. Sometimes if feels exhausting. When you feel overwhelmed try to focus on what is important right in that moment. Step by step and little by little, Take Care Jaffapoppy
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Old 07-15-2010, 05:06 AM
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I think I'm going to be facing these issues soon myself (if I'm not already). The other night, my H "passed out" in his chair before putting his son (my step-son) to bed. The poor kid was confused and I think he was a little scared (that his dad wouldn't wake up to read him his bedtime story and put him to bed as he usually does). He looked at me and asked "could you maybe put me to bed instead?" Broke my heart into little pieces... of course, my impulse was to say "of course I will baby." But I had to pause... because this has always been their "thing" together and I felt like, if I "took care" of this for him... isn't that enabling? On the other hand, there's a sad, confused little boy looking at me for an answer... ::sigh:: Fortunately, he must have seen the confusion in my own face because he said "nevermind, I'll just watch TV" and that was it until his dad did come too a few minutes later. When I told my H what happened the next morning, he was quick to assure me that it was perfectly ok for me to put the kid to bed... um, right...

Anyway... I think that's the hardest part about boundries and detachment. For me, it's relatively easy not to do favors for the irresponsible adult... but when there are kids involved, how do you maintain boundries without feeling like a cold-hearted wench? I don't know...
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:13 AM
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Evey,

In my opinion, when it comes to kids, all the other rules go out the window. It sounds to me like your stepson is looking for an adult he can count on. It's okay to be that person, to "show up" for him, to let him know that not everyone in the world will overlook what's important to him. I say, read him that story. Your AH gave up that special "thing" with his son when he chose the bottle over the child.

You can't save that precious boy from his Dad, but you can show him what unselfish tender loving care looks like.

Hugs,
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:20 AM
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Well, of course, that was my impulse... fortunately my H came-to within a short period of time there after, but I foresee the possibility of this happening again without him waking up for awhile. Despite this one incident, my H is an excellent father and I doubt my step-son suffered any particular damage or will even still remember it in a few days. Like I said, the same thing could have happened if he'd just been really tired. I've known exhausted parents to "pass out" at times from perfectly natural, sober causes and the kids seem to manage for those few minutes "alone" just fine.

But anyway... regardless... it was just an example of how I'm not always sure where to draw the line and the boundries when kids are involved. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe I should just go with my instinct.
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Old 07-15-2010, 06:32 AM
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I HIGHLY recommend going with your instincts! It's one of the first, and most important, things I heard from the wise folks here on SR.

Your stepson is lucky to have you. His little psyche will remember this incident of Dad passing out, but he will also remember the ways you show up for him.

Trust your instincts and everything else will follow in it's own perfect time.

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Old 07-15-2010, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Evey2010 View Post
But anyway... regardless... it was just an example of how I'm not always sure where to draw the line and the boundries when kids are involved. I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe I should just go with my instinct.
I've had to put a lot of thought into this regarding my own kids and my xah (their dad). My instincts are not always so easy to follow because I want to save them - ha - codependent much? . Here is what I've come up with personally (after much helpful sharing from SR!).

My interactions and behavior with my kids are mine and I do what I feel is right for them. It is a separate thing from my boundaries with their dad.

Where I have drawn the line is trying to manage/direct/cushion the interactions between their dad and them. I spent a lot of time and energy making that relationship happen and I decided there was a boundary in there that I was crossing myself! I was trying to control a situation that was not mine to control.

So, in your example, I would read the book. I would not hustle around every evening trying to manage the drinking, harp on dad, try to make sure dad stayed awake, make excuses for dad, etc. I would do what I felt was right for the child with regards to my actions, and would stay out of trying to control dad's actions.

I did a lot of trying to manage and control plans, expectations, relationship, responsibilities, and follow through with my xah both when we were together and after. It is hard to see the disappointment, confusion, heartache in my kids but my job is to stay on my side of that line and be the parent they can count on. I can cushion their bruised souls and manage *our* relationship, but can not manage the one between their dad and them - and no longer attempt to.
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:15 AM
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Thanks Thumper. I like the sound of that method. It sounds better than mine. Sometimes I try to think "what would I do if this situation weren't the result of drinking?" I mean, had my H just passed out asleep from being naturally exhausted, I wouldn't have thought twice about putting the little guy to bed to help him out. But sometimes this "method" of mine doesn't work. Sometimes it's difficult to piece out what's the result of drinking and what's not.

The boundries issue is even further complicated with him being "just" my step-son (with his own biological mother being very much his real mom -- they have split/joint custody). In fact, was just recently feeling proud of myself that it seemed as if I'd gotten the hang of all that (boundry wise)... and now there's this added complication coming up. ::sigh:: Ah well, life is a journey...
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Old 07-15-2010, 07:35 AM
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It is different for kids because we *are* responsible for them, unlike other people. You aren't so much helping dad out, you are helping the little boy out, who really is just a child and can not always figure things out on his own.

If my xah was supposed to do something for his mother and did not follow through on that - I went and did it. If I had to do that over again, I would not do it. His mother was an adult though. She *can* figure things out on her own. I was not helping her, I was helping my xah.

I've not had to manage a step child relationship. My hats off to all step parents out there!!
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Old 07-15-2010, 08:08 AM
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i wish i had some great words of wisdom, posie, but i don't feel i do.

what i do know, is that setting and maintaining boundaries is a process, and it takes practice. it feels so foreign to us, so it takes time for it to feel normal.

i do believe it gets more and more comfortable, especially when those who would push against them finally accept and it's not such hard work anymore. that will certainly come for you.

also, being around people for which you don't have to do this because they just respect you all by themselves, is helpful. we simply need to surround ourselves with good and decent people.
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Old 07-15-2010, 12:27 PM
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Thanks for this, coffee: setting and maintaining boundaries is a process, and it takes practice

That definitely feels true. And this: being around people for which you don't have to do this because they just respect you all by themselves, is helpful

That one really hits home. I'm doing better today but I had felt so depleted that I don't think I could figure out where to turn. I think it's related to my angry part--it was like a wall that kept the difficult stuff out (sorta) but it also kept the sustaining energy of positive people out, too. After my Alanon meeting yesterday I could feel the decrease in defensiveness, but it creeps back in...it helped when I got to the tears yesterday--all that soft stuff under the angry defense.

Connecting with positive people who respect my boundaries feels extremely important, especially right now. Thank you for that insight.

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Old 07-15-2010, 09:13 PM
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it's amazing how different my life feels these days. i am choosing to block those people who are the ones that i feel such a strong need to set boundaries against.

interacting with others who are communicative and direct and honest is so basic. but it feels like such a gift to me.
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