It's been seven days and it keeps getting more difficult
This is my second post here.
I've been drinking twelve or more beers/drinks daily for 15 years. Weekends have long been 18-24 per day.
I've now been seven days dry. I made it through the weekend without drinking, and that was pretty rough but I got through. I swear there's a voice in my head telling me it's alright to get plastered. I can hear it. It says, "Ok, go" and "now".
Each time, I have to stop and make a conscious decision to not go. I say to myself, "No, don't do that. Don't take that advice." Then about 30 minutes later I hear the voice again. Repeat.
I feel like my body and brain are going through some sort of transformation. And I don't mean, "Oh yay! No booze! I'm so healthy now!" It's more like some days since I stopped are great but others (such as today, my 7th) I almost feel like I am intoxicated even though sober. I don't know if that's the alcohol purging from my system or what. Maybe I'm going through some kind of detox? I don't know. This may sound ridiculous, but I swear I've got my s*** more together when I'm totally hung-over.
I used to think that I was not drunk if I was not drinking (morning after). I am starting to wonder now if maybe when you drink constantly it actually stays in your body/brain for weeks or months even if you stop.
I almost slipped today. It was SO close. I decided to go, but then changed my mind. Well, actually, someone in my head wanted me to go and I agreed with them, but then I changed my mind and decided I didn't agree with them. And that's the truth. It would be a lie if I made it look like some grand form of willpower of mine. It was literally me simply concluding that now would not be a good time to go party with that voice.
Reading what I just wrote, I think I sound crazy. Crackers. In need of mental care. But I'm going to leave it as it is. I guess this is maybe some kind of diary for me. I'm going to work on day number eight tomorrow. All. Day. Long.
I have so much thanks to give to all the people who replied to my first post. It REALLY helped me. I don't talk about this with anyone. Nobody knows. It's not hard put on the act. Years and years of hiding my heavy drinking have made me quite adept at putting on a happy face all day long.
LT