When Adult Children become involved
For the past year or so my AH has taken up the sport of verbally abusing our young adult daughter (19yrs), so much so that she has been frightened of him and had panic attacks. He nit picks at her or yells and makes general sniding comments about her paying rent, using the tumble drier, making a mess in the home. He has also said that he wouldn't pay for her to go to Uni because she was not uni material and other general put downs.
In Feb AH dad died and this shocked him into getting help and admitting he was an alcoholic. He went to AA and to see a therapist and was sober whilst he started to make amends to his daughter (although he has never said sorry to her for his past behavior). He commented about how he liked that they were getting on so well and enjoyed his little chats with her when they both got in from work.
Last weekend, he had a relapse, he wasn't remorseful at all and is in complete denial again and blaming me for being boring and having nothing in common etc.
Tonight, when my daughter got in from work, AH was in his bedroom (I am in the guest room) and she didn't see him at all. When I got home from work, my daughter and I cooked tea together and sat watching TV when AH came out of his room about 3 hours later to make a cup of tea. My daughter walked passed and said 'hiya' to him and he barked back 'dont say hiya to me'. He then followed her back into the lounge and started to complain about her using the tumble drier, not paying rent and a few other verbally abusive comments including the old chestnut about not having sex with me! After a couple of altercations where she told him to F off, I finally said to her to ignore him and asked him to leave us alone. She was visibly shaken and crying and I was dumbstruck and in shock.
He has since sent me a text from his bedroom accusing me of brainwashing her and poisoning her against him and this has thrown me into questions about what I am doing as I don't want to be one of those people. My daughter and I do talk about his alcoholism, I tell her that the verbal abuse is not really aimed her, its his addiction talking and it is a disease. She is actually quite switched on about the disease and has been known to offer me advice when I have been upset or sobbing following a nasty episode.
I am currently planning on leaving, just trying to find a place to rent that I can afford on my own and my daughter has been planning to move out for a while, to rent with friends because of her dad. We just want some peace.
I feel so guilty about the effect this is having on my daughter, and I am struggling with whether I am being one of those mothers who bad mouth their fathers, I hope that I am not. Am I, what do you all think? These episodes with AH, me and DD are tough situations to deal with and I don't know if I am being crazy too and making it worse. I dont know how to respond to stop it.
The rational person inside me says that my daughter is an adult and has a good brain in her head and can make up her own mind about him. That she doesnt need me to brain wash her, as she sees his crazy alcoholic behavior first hand. Also, that the alcoholic has found a vulnerable weak spot in me, my mothering skills. likening me to his mother, (his mum called his dad names when they were getting divorced) and is using it to upset me.
Two steps forward, one back!