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When Adult Children become involved

Old 07-12-2010, 06:47 AM
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When Adult Children become involved

For the past year or so my AH has taken up the sport of verbally abusing our young adult daughter (19yrs), so much so that she has been frightened of him and had panic attacks. He nit picks at her or yells and makes general sniding comments about her paying rent, using the tumble drier, making a mess in the home. He has also said that he wouldn't pay for her to go to Uni because she was not uni material and other general put downs.

In Feb AH dad died and this shocked him into getting help and admitting he was an alcoholic. He went to AA and to see a therapist and was sober whilst he started to make amends to his daughter (although he has never said sorry to her for his past behavior). He commented about how he liked that they were getting on so well and enjoyed his little chats with her when they both got in from work.

Last weekend, he had a relapse, he wasn't remorseful at all and is in complete denial again and blaming me for being boring and having nothing in common etc.

Tonight, when my daughter got in from work, AH was in his bedroom (I am in the guest room) and she didn't see him at all. When I got home from work, my daughter and I cooked tea together and sat watching TV when AH came out of his room about 3 hours later to make a cup of tea. My daughter walked passed and said 'hiya' to him and he barked back 'dont say hiya to me'. He then followed her back into the lounge and started to complain about her using the tumble drier, not paying rent and a few other verbally abusive comments including the old chestnut about not having sex with me! After a couple of altercations where she told him to F off, I finally said to her to ignore him and asked him to leave us alone. She was visibly shaken and crying and I was dumbstruck and in shock.

He has since sent me a text from his bedroom accusing me of brainwashing her and poisoning her against him and this has thrown me into questions about what I am doing as I don't want to be one of those people. My daughter and I do talk about his alcoholism, I tell her that the verbal abuse is not really aimed her, its his addiction talking and it is a disease. She is actually quite switched on about the disease and has been known to offer me advice when I have been upset or sobbing following a nasty episode.

I am currently planning on leaving, just trying to find a place to rent that I can afford on my own and my daughter has been planning to move out for a while, to rent with friends because of her dad. We just want some peace.

I feel so guilty about the effect this is having on my daughter, and I am struggling with whether I am being one of those mothers who bad mouth their fathers, I hope that I am not. Am I, what do you all think? These episodes with AH, me and DD are tough situations to deal with and I don't know if I am being crazy too and making it worse. I dont know how to respond to stop it.

The rational person inside me says that my daughter is an adult and has a good brain in her head and can make up her own mind about him. That she doesnt need me to brain wash her, as she sees his crazy alcoholic behavior first hand. Also, that the alcoholic has found a vulnerable weak spot in me, my mothering skills. likening me to his mother, (his mum called his dad names when they were getting divorced) and is using it to upset me.

Two steps forward, one back!
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Old 07-12-2010, 06:51 AM
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Yes, your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind about him, but it just adds another reason for you two to get away from him. No one, regardless of age, should have to accept being verbally abused.
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Old 07-12-2010, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by yesbutnobut View Post
I am currently planning on leaving, just trying to find a place to rent that I can afford on my own and my daughter has been planning to move out for a while, to rent with friends because of her dad. We just want some peace.
Good for you-your daughter is watching you closely with her future relationships just waiting to happen.

HUGS.
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:25 PM
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Your girl is old enough and smart enough to know when some drunk is being offensive to her. She didn't get told about him, or brainwashed by you....heck he ranted and raved into her face....so what part of "she knows for herself Mr Idiot", does he not get?

As for discussing your sex life, or should that be lifeless sex (that sounds like a good description of drunken fumblings) whatever....with your girl....erk, how totally tacky. What makes him think any woman worth her salt wants to be "loved" by some smelly, boozy old man?.....oh I said 'him and think' in the same sentence....whoops.

Could you and your daughter find a place to share together, and leave this so bored little soul to excite himself, or do whatever he wants without annoying you both?
Hope you do find a better life for yourself and your girl as well.

God bless
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Old 07-12-2010, 09:48 PM
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Thanks guys.

I really am learning a lot about this disease but sometimes I am a bit slow in getting switched on.

My daughter had made up her mind that she wanted to live with her friends, quite a while ago now, she was sick of her dad putting her down and I was too scared/not ready to leave at that time. I think she is doing the right thing and to be honest, she could do with the break and some peace away from both AH and my own craziness.

Another thought just crossed my mind with AH and his latest argument about me brainwashing - that he has found something else to moan to me about and to throw at me whenever he wanted, if I let him. A phrase i use quite a bit is 'that old chestnut' as he has a habit of grabbing hold of something and not letting it go. Here are a few of them below and I bet there are plenty of common themes with your significant alcoholic others too!

1. The sex one (lack of it) always comes up and for most of our 22 years together. He used to call me fridge! This stopped for a while when I said that I initiated and put much more effort into our sex life buying nice underwear etc.
2. I am boring and we have nothing in common anymore, is a consistent put down too.
3. How much money I spent on hair - when I asked him to reduce his spending on beer. this one I stopped because I showed him that he spent 5 x the amount on beer a year as I did on my hair.
4. I am lazy - passive/aggressive 'so what have you done today?'
5. I dont take enough showers - 'I see your towels still where you left it'
6. We have no friends because all you want to do is watch TV
and now to add to the list
7. You are brainwashing/poisoning our daughter against me.

There never more happier when they are putting you down.
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Old 07-12-2010, 10:08 PM
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Great list... Keep it real... Best of luck to you and your daughter; with a little work you guys have the ability to create the new lives of your designs.
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