Thank you, Freedom. Yes, every day I'm meditating, connecting with HP. That relationship feels strong. In fact, I'm turning over the fact that I'm so darn tired, saying, "Okay, HP, you know what I can handle..." and I'm taking it one day at a time. It's interesting though, I took a little break from writing this and did my morning meditation, and what came up is clarity around fear of having things taken from me...my choices, money, time with my kids, even the furniture that my puppy "decorated" with her teeth. It's about fear...isn't it always?
Wow, that little kiddo is so hungry sometimes. No wonder I found addictive relationships.
Over the weekend a friend of mine said that maybe I'm being "tested" in a way, to have the chance to state clearly that I want to live in this new way. Now I'm having the opportunity to reinforce it with action and not just words. But geez, it's really coming up full-force. It's hard to not feel guarded and like I have to protect myself...it's hard to not put up a wall "in general" because it feels like I'm being barraged with stuff.
Thank you keepinon, for mentioning relationships. I need to re-evaluate some of the relationships in my life. Most of these issues are about maintaining agreements that were made with people, some very clearly, some not. Both are being challenged. I think there are 1 or 2 people that I need to let go of since they were manipulative for the 3rd time and they are peripheral in my life--I've come far enough to be able to truly give myself the option of letting go of people--progress!
Some of the others are non-negotiable: work stuff, co-parenting stuff. That's harder, because I think I'm trying to navigate keeping my boundaries in place without becoming a prisoner of them.
I'll keep working on the fear angle. One foot in front of the other...
Gratefully,
posie