Hi Rose,
I believe you and I are alot alike. I have never been able to make that call either. Everyone in my Al-anon group encourage you to call anyone on their list but I haven't been able to to do that yet. So I come here where I feel most comfortable.
If you want I'll give you my phone number and email address and you can email or call me anytime you want. I'm here for you. I know how hard it is to not react to our a. I'm still trying to do that myself. I've gotten alot better. I just know now that our actions or how we react to things changes NOTHING. It only keeps you upset and not able to move forward with our own recovery.
I sometimes still go to bars looking for my ex-a not to argue or talk him into anything just to go see him because I miss him and I know that's where I can find him. Then when I see him drunk again it reminds me why I'm in this place in my life and why we can't be together. Sometimes I need that because like I said I do still love him but it reminds me that I can't compete with alcohol anymore.
My thoughts are with you today, let me know if you want my phone number.
Love,
Galnva